When you're a parent dedicated to changing, do you tell your adult child, or just show them by your actions?

Question

Over the years I've battled with a great deal of emotional pain because of my past. As you can imagine, there are periods when I was not fully there "emotionally" as a parent due to depression, anxiety, self-medicating(food for me), and anger.

I've recently accepted God into my life, and I'm dedicated to changing and improving for God, myself, and my child who is now a young adult. I've seen more improvement the last two months, than I have in years. I don't think children put much faith in you when you say you're getting better, after they've heard it awhile without seeing results.

If you were a parent in this situation, did you offer the same promises again, or did you just do all that you promised without discussing it, and show your child unconditional love? If you're a young adult in your 20's, what would you prefer to see or hear from you parent? I've thought of just sitting down explaining things, expressing my love, and then let actions speak for me. Thanks

Note: I can never change the past, and I've lost a lot of years, but I'm hoping it's not to late to renew the bond with my child, and their faith in me. Most importantly to be there more as support during the college years and beyond.

Also, I was a single parent, had my child at 16, and we pretty much grew up together. Unfortunately, I was battling memories of abuse, rape, ect that prevented me from being the best parent. I've always expressed my love, but I had the same issues as most survivors of abuse. I regret my child had to grow up with me battling those demons.

Answer 1

Hello...........Hooray for you starting over! I too have made some fairly radical changes in my own life.I didn't have to tell my kids, they just began treating me differently when the changes became evident. I think that if you do begin telling them anything, it will put pressure on you to follow through....not a bad thing if you are ready for that. Telling may also lead them to look for changes right away and as we all know, changes don't come easy or fast . Bumps in the road may come and setbacks are a possibility. They may perceive this as failure and in turn lead you to begin doubting yourself. If they see the efforts you have made , they will be proud, but the pride you have in yourself is what matters most, this will show on you. Your actions will speak for themselves. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. Best wishes to you . Have fun enjoying your new life!!!

Answer 2

It is never too late to repair or renew a bond with a child as long as the child is willing to accept you. I think actions will speak much more loudly than words in this case if your child has heard all the words before but has not seen much action. Words are cheap and easy and meaningless unless they are supported by actions. Just start demonstrating that you are a new person and your child will notice. Then the words can come into play as well. But have patience. Years of hurt cannot be overcome in a day. Take care. Best of luck to you and your child.

Answer 3

Your child needs to see that you're not going to break your promises again. Talk is just so much hot air, it's your actions and your commitments that count. Be completely honest with your child, say exactly what you're doing and why your doing it but don't be theatrical about it, you'll just drive your child off. Don't expect it to be like a movie scene, because it won't be, you won't get immediate closure. This is going to take time, and you need to act more than talk. Above all, be consistent. Change can't be seen unless it is permanent. Mistakes happen, I know, but you have to recover from them and keep pursuing positive change. You don't need to trumpet your changes to your child, that will only make it more difficult to trust you if you slip up.

A quiet "I am getting better. Give me some time. I love you" would be appropriate.

By the way, I'm not a psychologist or anything, and what you do is completely up to you.

P.S. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It depends on if the lightbulb wants to be changed.

Answer 4

I think that your child would prefer to see the actions. Words are all well and good but they only show intent. I've had friends with alcoholic parents (who've sworn again and again they'd quit drinking) tell me that they never believed them anymore and wouldn't until they saw the proof. Now I'm not saying you're an alcoholic or have disappointed your child like that because I don't know your situation but I feel that most people are cautious when people tell them they'll change. We all want to believe the people we love really will change this time...but without the actions to back it up it's just building castles in the sky.

Answer 5

I too went through a period of "absentee parent",when there was no contact between me and my 2 sons.Birthdays and Christmas passed not so much as a word from their Dad.This went on for years and years.Then I changed my life by accepting Jesus Christ into my heart.I had an on again off again with my oldest before I found Jesus but all we did was drink and drug.Now I am totally clean and sober and when I see him he can't beleive how I have changed.I have never said a word to him.I never had to,my actions spoke louder than words.God Bless you my friend,you will find out like I did,that God in your life makes a difference that everyone can see.

Answer 6

I read a little of your questions and answers to make sure I give the best suggestion.

I think you should first change your behavior and talk to your child after you notice that he/she notices too.

The child may not believe you if you do both at the same time. He/she would be less disappointed, if you slip up no matter how slightly. He/she will not have faith in your words once more.

Your child may even initiate the conversation. In any case wait a while before talking seriously about it.

Answer 7

If you are making changes for a lifetime and for your self then it doesn't matter if you tell your child you are getting better. You already know the past is gone, make the best of the future and your new and improved self. You won't have to say anything to your child they will see the results and what matters is that you are making a lifetime change. Things will always be better than before. Life isn't perfect, make the best of what you have and love your child and yourself.

Answer 8

Praise the Lord! it is not often that I see anyone on this site speak of God and how they are changing their life because of who He has shown Himself to be to them. Through all your past pain know that God is a healer and all you need to do is keep believing in Him and continue to develop your relationship with Him. And that is done by study and prayer time. It is so important to stay in the word of God. This is the only way you will grow in Him. And guess what! If you ask Him He will restore your relationship with your child. And sooner or later they will come to know Him as Savior and Lord of their life. Just keep being a positive example and learn to be a Servant Leader, in other words lead like Jesus, and things will work out for you.
Keep pressing into His glory

Answer 9

I believe, if you are truly changing for the better and want to help your child, that you need to do a few things: First, it sounds like you've made the committment to change and this is terrific. Next just "break the ice" with your child in small ways, until they learn to regain their trust in you. Allow them to see you in normal settings and being better. By all means, casually let them know you have made a commitment to change, but don't make it the focus of your time with them. The most important thing is for them to see and eventually believe that you are going the right way. Most importantly, like yourself, believe in yourself! No doubt it will take time and you must appreciate that... but eventually they will see the "new you" and you can develop a new relationship with them. You can't "make up for lost time" but you can start fresh and new. Best of luck! :)

Answer 10

There is always a special bond between a parent and there kids that is just the nature of humans. I went through the same stuff with my mom and let me tell you I love here more today because I saw how strong she was as a person and now I have great respect.