Should I tell the children the truth?

Question

I have stopped covering for my children's legal father. I used to be the person who would make excuses for him not calling or doing what real daddy's do. Now, he's upset with me because they know he's not paying child support or taking care of their emotional or financial needs. He hasn't visited them since August of '06 and phone calls are rare.

How is this not their business when it affects them? Some of it they found out on their own...but I did tell them about the child support when they wanted something from the store and I couldn't get it for them because of not having the cash because I spent what I had on their needs.

I think they need to know the real person he is.

I think I should have stopped covering for him a long time ago. Do you think he has a right to be mad at me for it?

Answer 1

Hello =)

Yes, you should tell them....

Do it compassionately, and keep it to the facts, but yes, when they want to know why there isn't "extra money" like there used to be, and you are doing all that you can, then it is time for the truth.

It is not so much a matter of "blame" as it is of failure. And they need to know who is failing them.

Namaste, and happy holidays,

--Tom

Answer 2

I had the same thing happen to me.....on the rare occasion, maybe once every month or two, that my children's father DOES call, he wants to be able to pretend to be father of the year. He is also $11,000.00 behind in child support.
You should not have to cover for him. If he doesn't want them to think poorly of him, then he should not BEHAVE poorly.
It took me a long time to realize that myself. I got tired of being the bad guy, and tired of them being upset with me when he didn't call and they didn't like or didn't buy my excuses. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting them from the not-so-nice truths about life and marriage and parents, but in reality I was making it worse by potentially damaging the one thing I could control and make sure they had-stability and honesty from the parent that's still here.
The most important thing is to not let your emotions, anger, disappointment, resentment, etc color what you tell them. As long as what you tell them is strictly the truth about what he does or does not do, then you are doing the best thing you can for them. It only becomes wrong if we, as the adults, bad mouth or criticize the other parent for our own purposes or satisfaction. Even though they are children, they still can and should be allowed to make up their own minds.

Answer 3

He is what he is, and he has to deal with the consequences. But you do not need to go around dissing him in front of the kids, because ultimately that will reflect badly upon you. They've already got one fuggup of a parent; don't stick 'em with two.

When the kids want something and you haven't the money for it, be honest. Just tell them "I'm sorry, it's not in the budget. I've got to spend the money we do have on food, clothes, rent, heat, light, water, sewer..." They'll get the message. Yes, they'll whimper a bit, but by simply telling the truth - that love isn't a Tickle Me Elmo doll that "all the other kids' Mommies gave them" or frequent trips to the ice cream place - they'll eventually realize the importance of the lesson you'll teach them thereby. And don't worry - they already have a pretty good idea what an ace hole "daddy" is! His continuing rotten behavior will only confirm that impression as they grow older.

Does he have a right to be mad at you? He has a right to be mad at anybody he chooses, but you also have the right to ignore his rotten butt!

Answer 4

"I think they need to know the real person he is."

While you should quit making excuses for him, if they ask why he does or does not do something, you should let him speak for himself.
If they have a question about money, bringing his lack of child support payment into the picture has some negative consequences:
- It puts the kids in the middle of the child support issue
- He could say that he IS giving you child support but you are a poor money manager, even since it's untrue
- It appears to put the kids WANTS all in the father's lap while leaving all the NEEDS in your lap, making it ALL his fault.

I would recommend that you simply explain YOUR budget to your children and state that the child support is missing without assigning blame for it. These kids know the score.

Answer 5

He has no right to be mad (he stopped paying for child support!) and if your kids have already found out some things on their own, it's likely that they'll find out even more, so its better to be honest with them because then they can trust you. Know that it will be hard when you tell them, but it's better than covering it up because that can be extremely damaging to them in the long run.

Answer 6

You are doing the right thing. You should never cover for anyone, and he is a coward to begin with, expecting you to instill this great dad false image, because the day will come and believe me, they will find out on their own what kind of person he really is and then you will be made out as a liar and just as bad as him. tell them the absolute truth in a non derogatory form just simple and to the point in terms that they can understand and is appropriate for their ages.
If he gets mad about this, tell him to get his act together and maybe then there will be no need for them to know that their father has neglected his responsibilities,
Good Luck

Answer 7

Absolutely not...he does not have the right to be mad about it. He's not being a man and living up to his responsibilities. No excuses either. It doesn't take a lot of money to spend some time with your kids and no matter how busy you are, you have to tend to your primary responsibilities. Just make sure that whatever you tell your kids, they are old enough to handle the certain things you share with them. Don't tell them TOO MUCH...you don't want to worry or burden their child minds.

Answer 8

In my experience, covering for another person:

1. required that I be dishonest
2. has lead to my feelings of resentment
3. allowed the person I was covering for to continue his bad behavior without experiencing the consequences

While there is no need to cover for another person, I had to learn not to make matters more painful with harsh or unnecessary judgments. It was very easy for me to demonize someone when I stopped covering for him, and doing so left me bitter and even more resentful.

Now, I live my life avoiding expectations for others to act, do or be any particular way. I take care of myself and my responsibilities. I avoid covering for others and I avoid judging others. Rather than point out what the children lack, I focus on what they are blessed with.

It does zero good to lament about the past. Learn from it without judging yourself.

He has a right to be mad at anyone he chooses. You have a right to refuse to accept blame or criticism; you have a right to live and do the best you can. You have a right to happiness or misery as you choose, and these are not dependent upon others or your circumstances, but upon your attitude.

Continue to take care of yourself and your children. It is his job to take care of himself, you are not responsible for him in any way. If he is not there for your children, it is his loss. They will be fine in your loving care.

Answer 9

He doesn't have a right to be mad at you for anything. You should tell them the truth, and go back to court for the child support

Answer 10

He has no right to be mad! Sometimes its o.k. to lie to the kids about that stuff but if they are old enough, then be honest with them. They deserve to know how their father really is. Don't go making him look like Mary Poppins and you liek the Cookie Monster. Good Luck