For the last few years we have gone to my in-laws house Christmas afternoon to visit and exchange a few gifts and eat and visit. This year I shopped as usual, a few well thought out gifts that I know these people would like and appreciate, and have everything wrapped any ready to go. This morning when I call to confirm what time we need to be there and if there is anything they needed picked up from the grocery store I was told "We are only having the kids open presents, the adults aren't getting anything this year."
I told my father-in-law that I had already paid for the gifts, wrapped them and had no way to return them. No big deal if they didn't get anything for my husband and I we got them things we knew they would like...and he got pissed off at me for saying that.
My problem is not so much the getting pissed off part it is the fact that he has done this to me before. Waited until a few days before Christmas to tell me that they weren't going to get us anything.
2006-12-24 05:02:23 · 16 answers · asked by Miss Guided 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
They know I have to shop ahead because our jobs are very hectic during the holidays (I work in shipping). One year I felt bad because they said they were "oh so broke" and had decided to not celebrate Christmas. I made them up a food basket, wrapped up their gifts I had planned to give them and drove over to suprise them with some goodies. The suprise was on me and my 6 year old son I took with to help. They were celebrating Christmas...with HER family. Bicycles, games, doll houses, movies, jewelery and the works for her two grandchildren, her daughter and her son-in-law. My kids got nothing, not even a card or a stop by the house to see how they were doing and to wish them a happy holidays....NOTHING.
2006-12-24 05:02:37 · update #1
Part of me wants to tell them what I saw last year and call them out on this (remember I work in shipping, I know EXACTLY how much crap she has ordered from QVC this past month) So I know the same thing is happening again this year and now that I think of it has probably happened many times before. (My kids get jars of olives and a squirt gun from the dollar store every year. I just tell them to be polite and say thanks.)
So my question is this....how do I handle this tomorrow morning? Please keep your answers sensible....as much as I would love to go over there and throw the entire f*ing turkey on these peoples heads it isn't a realistic option....but god is it tempting as all hell. ; )
2006-12-24 05:03:00 · update #2
There are many excellent suggestions but I had to choose only one. I am packing everything up (food included) and dropping it off at the shelter down the road. I know they will love the gifts I had bought my in-laws and it will make some of those down on their luck feel like someone cares. Actually this will be the start of a new family tradition. We already donate a chunk of money all year for various causes but for Christmas we are now going to spend all the money we would have spent on the in-laws on the people who will appreciate the love, care and good will that goes into the effort we put into our gifts. I'm not asking for a ticker tape parade, just that nice warm fuzzy feeling knowing that someone was made happy by my actions.
My Christmas is going to be spent with my kids and my husband....happy and together, appreciating each other and daydreaming what it would be like to launch a turkey at mean, ignorant people. Thank you all...may you have a beautiful holiday season!
2006-12-24 06:59:46 · update #3
Well, you really do have a dilemma.
From your question it sounds like you have a great sense of humour, and by all accounts, you need it, but there are probably three (or more) ways to handle this one.
First way, in the future you can make sure that you always contact your in-laws earlier, so that you know ahead of time if they are exchanging gifts with you or not.
Second way, you could shame them by giving them their gifts tomorrow, even though you know they have nothing for you, but nevertheless, give them their gifts anyway - making sure you tell your children (and in-laws) that Christmas is about giving and that you are sure that their grandparents got them what they could afford.
Third way, go to your in-laws tomorrow and tell them that you donated their gifts to the Homeless Shelter and that the people there were delighted with the gifts.
Fourth way, you could have a private talk with your mother-in-law and father-in-law and tell them what you saw last year. You might want to explain to them that if your children knew how they spent their money on the other grand-children, they would probably never want to see them again.
It is too bad that you have to deal with all this. Is there a Retirement Home near where you live? A Shelter that serves food for the Homeless? Perhaps you and your family would enjoy visiting there at Christmas time instead of going to the In-Laws.
One thing to remember in all of this - the personality flaw is in THEM, not in YOU! Take a deep breath and try to enjoy Christmas with your own little family.
I have had to deal with something similar to this for years. My mother has only ever sent money for my children and myself for Christmas and Birthdays for the past 30 years, but then I have to hear all about the wonderful presents that my brothers and their children get!
Good Luck!
2006-12-24 05:31:41 · answer #1 · answered by ? 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
they are all of the above, rude, ignorant and oblivious, and MORE. how inconsiderate. it would have been nice of them to tell you sometime BEFORE christmas eve that oh, no adults should have any gifts. the fact that gifts are not being exchanged is the least of the problems. the big issue here is that, whatever the changes to the event need to be, your inlaws are hosting so they need to keep everyone informed, well ahead of time. because of their lack of communication, now you are stuck with money that you have basically flushed down the drain.
maybe its time to start celebrating christmas YOUR way. if i was in your situation, i would forget packing up all the crap and going over to the inlaws to spend christmas. be your own host, celebrate at home and exchange gifts with whoever you want. i would just skip out on visiting them tomorrow all together, and stay home and relax and be with the family that you know cares about you. it may be harsh, but what respect have they shown you?
as for the gifts, i don't know what circumstances are under which you say you can't return them, but i would try. if its an issue of not having a receipt, after the holidays merchants are much more lax about their return policies. you could atleast get store credit. if not maybe ebay? why not?
whatever you do, above all else make sure YOU and your children have a great holiday
2006-12-24 05:27:06 · answer #2 · answered by ~ Mi$fitPrin¢ess ~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would give them the gifts you have, being that you have already spent the money and time on them. Starting next year, however, you should have nothing to do with the in-laws. It is obvious that they do not value your presence, being that they had laid one big whopper of a lie on you(which is blatantly rude) and have given you family the short end of the deal(foul). Instead, start your own tradition with your own family and your relatives. You might even want to consider including people who have no family nearby and live too far away from them to travel. I'm sure they'll appreciate you a lot more than your in-laws have.
2006-12-24 07:09:27 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In view of the inconsideration they have repeatedly shown ; STOP Putting yourself & your family through the process of being treated like second class citizens. You can either:
A. Keep the gifts you bought for the adults and give them to someone else.
B. Don't go over there. Just deliver or have delivered the gifts w/o any explanation and start making your holidays happy with your family.
Consider it an investment in your future happiness to be w/o their biased behavior especially toward the kids. Grandparents like this forfeit their right to the children when they don't appreciate the wonderful gift your children are.
I don't blame you for being vexed. They are being rude and they just don't care. Why should you?
2006-12-24 06:16:24 · answer #4 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take them at their word. They dont have enough money to buy for everyone.So they opted to leave you and your family ungifted.
Remember your gift giving is a expression of your love and caring. That's all. Dont do it if you dont care for them and dont do it out of obligation. Next time don't tell them anything about what you bought or wrapped just bring them and present them and remind them that you gave these things cause you were thinking about them and care for them and you didnt expect anything in return.
Also they may feel obligated in some way to the ones they brought all those gifts for you dont know what they probably have been doing for them all year long perhaps funneling money to them etc.They make also feel that you and your husband are well off. I hate that your father in law has gone along with the mother to treat you and the kids this way. As to giving olives and stuff like that to the children theres no excuse cause they had a child themselves and know what children expect. Yes always have your children say thank you for anything given to them. This way they get blessed for honoring their elders. Make it fun when eating the olives etc. By saying ooo we're eating the olives Grand and Grandpa gave us they will taste good cause you're gonna present them in some tasty dish.
If you just cant stand it then you better get it off your chest and in a clam voice ask why. dont forget no matter what they say remain calm. Tell them you don't understand why they lied and you want the real truth. Did you just forget about us? You dont like us? Did the kids do something or say something when visiting? What ? You dont like your son or is it me? No matter what they say make up you mind not to be hurt take it as they say it and go on from there. If they say they dont like you your free not hurt but free. Good Luck and have a Merry Christmas.
2006-12-24 05:41:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your husband is the one that should address the situation after Christmas...who wants a family argument on Christmas. I certainly don't blame you for the way you feel, but be the bigger person, continue to give them gifts, maybe they'll learn something from your compassion. I'm sure they expect some kind of backlash unless they're completely oblivious...oh, yeah, you already mentioned that! Oh, and as far as the turkey goes, I'm with ya' on that one! Your in-laws actions are a perfect example of how NOT to behave...shame on them!
Merry Christmas.
2006-12-24 05:29:16 · answer #6 · answered by leslie 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
They know what the hell they're doing, and from what I spotted out, sounds to me like they they just don't care that they are being a bunch of uncivilized pigs towards your family. Yes, they get their other children; grandchildren goodies, but not you, why? because they for some reason seem to not like you guys as much or appreciate the efforts you guys put in, and think that you think it's no big-since you don't say anything, so they continue-so maybe a slight ly oblivious, but deep down inside, I'm sure they're aware of what as s holes they're being but for the most, like I said before-don't care. If I were you, I would find your hubby and yourself and sit down with them and talk to them and just ask them is there is something your family should be aware of that you aren't yet, and then brief them on the issue, when they ask what the hell your talking about, and simply but in the nicest and concerned way tell them how you feel-tell them it's for the sake of the kids, and if they get pissed-it is not your fault, it is theirs. And, if things get messy, do apologize, but say this is something you want/need to get out of your chest, and don't mean for it to be a burden, and if they still seem to act like uncivilized/unconcerned pigs-then just excuse yourselves, and ask tell them sorry for the talk, but if aren't willing to cooperate, then they need to figure it out, you have done your part, and if they won't do theirs-then tell them you won't settle for this kind of act, because it can hurt you family and the kids don't need this type of grandparents-and leave-if it gets nasty. Oh, and Happy Holidays :)!!
2006-12-24 08:52:44 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you said about them ordering things from the TV or online, and then acting like they have no money to spend on other people... my mother is like that. She watches QVC every morning and compulsively buys things. She does not have the room or funds for all of the cr*p... she has two closets full of clothes for EACH season, a two-car garage with no room for cars because it is stuffed so full of old knickacks, and my old room is so filled with boxes and bins you can't even open the door all the way... and I just moved out 6 months ago! Then, come holiday, birthday, graduation, what have you- she complains that she simply can't afford to get gifts for people! She expects me to pay her $650 a month for gas, phone, and insurance bills, when I know for a fact it costs no more than $300 AND I no longer use her gas card... and she still tries to borrow money from me.
Ugh. Anyway, that was really a rant, sorry about that. The point is, my mother is being treated for a variety of mental illnesses, some of which have to do with this compulsive shopping and her money problems. Perhaps your in-laws are having problems like this... they sound sick in the head to me, anyways.
But really, I guess you have 2 choices that I can see: continuing to treat them as you want to be treated, or start treating them like they have treated you.
If you continue to treat them as you have been- buying them presents, attempting to bridge this odd family gap, and so on- you can expect nothing more from them than the disregard they have already displayed. When you get them a present, just remind yourself not to expect anything or only something worthless in return. I feel sorry for your kids being treated like that by their own grandparents, but koodos to you for teaching them manners and respect. If they haven't already, they will figure out soon enough not to expect much from those old farts.
If you decide to treat your in-laws as they have treated you... well, it's obvious, isn't it? Just stop buying them presents. Or, only get them something small and not worth much, so that if they do decide at the last minute not to get you anything you won't feel guilty about getting rid of it. After all, it seems to me like they don't really value your gifts anyway.
Best of luck with this... Happy Holidays!
2006-12-24 06:00:38 · answer #8 · answered by BabyBear 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Look on the bright side, honey, you only have to see them once a year? They'll be out of your hair the next day. Hallelujah!!
Get your kids the extra things that they didn't get from your in-laws and plan something special for them the next day.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family!
2006-12-24 05:23:18 · answer #9 · answered by childofGod 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I got on this question late, so you sound like you know what needs to be done!!!! You and your family have a nice happy holiday, We as adults can handle those kind of people but it's harder on children, Merry Christmas
2006-12-24 15:18:00 · answer #10 · answered by Diana J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋