lack of confidence cos of dad..please help?

Question

when im with my dad in public he'll make it completely obvious he's staring at women, by mumbling stuff under his breath. it makes me feel so uneasy cos he'll stare at girls my age too. I know he wouldnt perve over me but it makes me feel so uncomfortable. ive told my mum about it and she just accepts it as 'all men stare at pretty women' but his is not just a quick glance. besides i think he has put my mum through some sh*t before i was born. I'll try asking him a question, say were out shopping, and he won't pay attention to me cos of him staring at a girl's backside. Ive tried talking to him about it saying it makes me feel uneasy but he'll just get really angry with me (he has a nasty temper). he has a food problem also (i think he's anorexic), so when i go to get a dessert he'll stare me down as if to say 'i don't think you should be eating that'. i'm not making out he's the worst parent ever cos he's not, but he just doesn't fill me with confidence, so as a result i have none.

Answer 1

you need to accept that he has problems, but they are his problems and nothing to do with you,,,,,, its hard , i know,,,,, but you also have to accept that while he should, he is not able to be sensitive to you and your feelings, nor is he able to help you build your self esteem,,,,, which is critical for a young girl,,,,,,, i suggest a few things,,,,,, first, try to avoid going in public with him as much as you can,,,,,, find excuses if you must,,,,,, just slowly get in the habit of not accompanying him,,,,,, since youve already tried to talk with him,,,,, you dont have any other obligation to explain it to him, but if asked, just say all people are different, and you dont feel comfortable,,,,,, as to eating, ignore him,,,,,, once again seeing that his approach to food, and his looks at you, are his problem,,,,,,, look up on the internet about self esteem, you can im sure find other ideas,,,,,,,,, its not right for him to ogle women in public like that,,,, its rude,,,,,,and i feel for you having to experience it! and getting no support about it from either parent!!

Answer 2

Communication. Secure the support of your mom and talk with your dad about this. Do you have any male siblings? How about your dad's brothers? If male people tell him not to do it, he might be more accepting. I am not sure how old you are, but I would put my foot down. Enough is enough. If, like you said, he put your mom through some of that h*ll, this is time someone told him it's not right to do that. I am not suggesting you get into an argument. All I am saying is you guys need to stand together as a family and treat his 'female watching addcition' as a REAL problem that hurts people. You are his daughter. If he 'loved' you, he would realize that his behavior is hurting your self steem and he would try to avoid doing it, at least in front of you. My darling, it's not acceptable and you have a right and an obligation to do something about it -for you and for your mom. Try having a family night conversation twice or three times per week. Again, treat is a a REAL problem that needs to be solved. He needs help but he doesn't know it, so it's up to you guys to help him out. Seek help from local organizations, church groups, etc. But do something about it. Don't delay. Above all, be persistent, never lose patience, and don't get into arguments. This is supposed to be a time for communication, not discordia.

Answer 3

Tell him that his behavior is inappropriate, especially in your pressence and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. His history with your mom is irrelevant.
Your dad should know the three second rule by his age, he's probably just forgotten how to implement it. You could politely remind him ... or take revenge. Start gawking at every male form that passes in front of you, the older and rougher looking the better, and make wolf calls and whistles ... until he takes the hint. If he becomes angry with your outragous behavior; then you have an opportunity to explain to him, that is how you feel inside when he is disrespectful to women when you are together.
Sometimes, when people cannot be reached through logical reasoning, explanation, or word picturers, they may understand when the tables are turned in a dramatic manner. Good luck.

Answer 4

It sounds me to that you're a well-balanced young woman and should be proud of the person you are. You are behaving in a far more mature manner than either of your parents. Don't let their insecurities or behaviour affect you in the long term. You know who you are, what is right and wrong and hopefully you have an idea of where you want to be. Set those goals and aim for them. There's nothing wrong with your thoughts and as you've tried to approach them with no joy, is there another family member you could talk to in confidence about your concerns? An aunt or cousin? How about a teacher (if you're still at school)? It seems all you need is reassurance that you are right to think their behaviour is wrong and you are! Believe in yourself and live your life.

Answer 5

You need some help and support. Sorry, but your situation sounds strange and even abusive. It is not normal for a father to behave like that. And your mother may be suffering under a dominating husband. They both sound like they have problems. It is time for you to go and quietly find some assistance. Get to a well qualified counselor (someone you can trust) and start talking about this. Make a plan to take care of yourself and begin to see your folks for the people they really are. You can still love them, but you must see them as people with serious issues. Break free of that. Get into a normal world with good folks who care.

Answer 6

I think you need to understand that your dad's behavior is not about you, it's about him. I'm sorry to say this, but he sounds like a jerk. Anyone who would rather ignore, get angry at or glare at his daughter than have a open, honest conversation with her doesn't get very much consideration in my book.

You sound like a very mature and caring person. I think you realize that your father's behavior is not really acceptable. You wouldn't behave that way. You're mom wouldn't behave that way. Now, you just have to get to the point of understanding that you should not be accepting his bad behavior as an example of what you should judge yourself by.

If one of your classmates acted this way, would you take it personally? Find new role models. Find new heroes. Teachers you respect. Boys & Girls club counselors. Pastors if you go to church (if not, try it). Other students or friends that motivate you and make you happy.

I think you're more than smart enough to get past your dad's 'view on life' and find your own. If you think you have shortcomings that you need to overcome, work on them. Beat them & move on to the next challenge.

Don't let your dad hold you back. Your well on your way to growing up into a great person. Don't stop now.

Answer 7

In many cases, a parent will pass their own mental illnesses to their kids; this is one of those cases where you seem to be more mature and emotionally stable than your dad.

Since you've already tried to make your point to dad and failed, there's very little that you can do without your mom getting involved. If she's not willing to face him on his igling of women and girls, and he's never been caught trying to act on his perversions, you're just going to have to live with the fact that your dad is a dirty old man until the day you turn 18.

On the day you turn 18, however, you then have the right to move out and never see him again; tell him exactly why and remind him that you tried to warn him for years. This is assuming, of course, that he's never tried to hit on any of your friends, or worse, try to get them alone in a dark alley.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

indyred is so right, my friend is sorta in te same situation minus the staring at other woman and a wife. my friends father makes fun of her and calls her fat and doesn't let her have money 4 lunch anymore. she wont do anything cause her dad gets get mad at her 2. be brave and do somehting if ur not comfortable w/whats goin on.

Answer 10

Know who you are--despite what your father does. When you're 18, you can always move out and make a comfortable environment for yourself. For the mean time, talk to someone you trust about this.