Son is heart-broken over his father's behavior...has anyone been through this?

Question

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 11 yrs. and we have two sons together and live 600 miles apart. Two years ago my oldest son made the decision to live with his Dad and because my youngest son did not want to live with him, his father has stopped contacting him. My ex called him a couple of weeks ago for the first time in two years and acted as if everything was just peachy and told him he couldn't wait to see him when we went to pick his brother up for X-mas break. I dropped my youngest son off at his grandparents so he would get to see his dad and visit with him for awhile. He waited for 3 hrs. for his dad to show, his step-mother and half-sister came, but no Dad! She told him she was sorry and couldn't believe his dad wouldn't come. On top of that we found out his step-mom is expecting anyday now with a baby boy. He is so heart-broken and I don't know what to do, can anyone offer some healing words for him?

To explain a little further....this is typical behavior for his dad. So many broken promises in 11 yrs. I can not begin to recall them all. Here is some ex. though.....cancelling visitation, promising them he will be at a ball game and to be looking for him, no b-day cards, x-mas cards or gifts. It just seems like my son is always holding on to the hope that his dad will eventually come around to his senses, but it never happens. It is just hard to sit back and watch and yes, I have spoken to his father about this and he says that it is none of my business.

Answer 1

I think out of all the questions i have read on anwsers, this one bothers me. I feel for your sons anguish, the feelings of abandonment from any loved one no matter what the relationship is can be very hurtful. The only thing i can say is if it did not bother him i would say somethings wrong. The fact that it does upset him means he is as normal as every other caring person. It will never make any sense it never does, the only thing you can do is know how to love yourself and become a smashing success and know your mom will always support you. There are honest and good people on this earth they are just hard to find along the way.

Answer 2

Don't bad mouth dad, explain that "just like kids sometimes have problems adults do too ... and dad's just having a problem which is making it hard for him to do things right now and someday your dad will wish he had been there for all the things he's missing. He has no idea how unlucky he is, but remember there are lots of people who are always here for you and that is what matters most.

We did this for one of the kids in my husbands family and my girlfriends son as well. For the family it worked because his dad was out of the picture for years (he was younger than 9 at the time). He eventually got old enough (14) to contact him on his own and at this point can make his own decision on his father.
With my gf's son it was the same though he was 14 at the time and dad's girlfriend's sister lived next door to the son, so to make matters worse dad would be visiting next door and not call or come over.

You need to keep it level (don't make him look bad and don't hide the truth either) it's why I like everyone has problems at some point and some take longer to realize it and get over it. Most kids know they "get mad and don't talk to their best friend but eventually they'll make up" It's the same with all people including family... you don't ever want to be the wedge between.

Answer 3

It seems to be a common thing I suppose with the parent who moves away. My mother hasn't contacted my younger brothers for around 2 years, and will once in awhile call late at night when they are in bed, or when we aren't home, and this will be once every 8 months, maybe longer.

The only thing I think that could possibly be done, aside from making up lies about why is dad isn't coming around, is to call his father and tell him what is going on. If he cares enough, he can sit down and talk to him about why he's be absent.

This isn't a problem that can be swept under the rug and left alone. It needs to be dealt with because the father is still in their lives. If he had moved away 11 years ago and never contacted you again, you can leave it at that. But because visitation rights are present, some serious talking needs to go on.

Whatever you do, NEVER badmouth the other parent. This is something that will come back to haunt you someday when your son turns 16, or maybe even 26. It may seem like a good idea now, but little boys still look up to their fathers, no matter how old, and for someone to tell them that their father is trash, well, that would be more devistating than him not showing up for a birthday party.

In a situation like this, I think a counselor is in order for you and your son. He may need someone to talk to other than you, and in turn, the counselor can talk to you after wards and give you advice on how to deal with this family problem.

I wish you good luck, and tell your little guy I said Hi and Merry Christmas!

Answer 4

I lost my first child at 21 months old from heart failure. My first husband was cheating on me at the time and my life took many years to gain some normalicy so to speak. I spent many years in depression and was even suicidle a few times. My mother was a good part of what I am today and lost her almost five years ago. I now have two children and two grandchildren and regreat taking the good part of me away from the loved ones I still had. I put the rest of my family through torture for my loss and it did not bring my son back. I miss him today greatly even though many years have passed. I just wish I could have realized back then that I couldn't bring him back by my pain and suffering. There is no real advice I can give you but I can surely be a person you can relate to. If you need to chat or even talk, please email me. I may not be able to take your pain away but I can definitely understand more than someone who has never experienced the loss of both a child and a parent in one lifetime.

Answer 5

My father sounds very much like this. He is selfish and only cares about things that benefit himself. He left my mother with hardly any money at all and expected her to care for my brother and me with the small sum. Sure she got a job but that doesn't amount to much in this world. I found out that I don't need him and I can fend for myself- I am the only one who can. Maybe it would help your son. He could use his own hurting to become a better father some day. Look at the example he's been given ad he will know what not to be. I believe that what I've been through has made me a better and stronger person. It may not help him now but he'll see it in the future. Good luck to you both. God Bless.

Answer 6

Yes tell him his father is an idiot and it is his loss. Do not subject your boy to this awful man again. Your ex should be ashamed of himself. I know what it means to sit for hours waiting for a father that can't be bothered to show up. My mother let it go on for years and I think it ruined us kids. He never showed up when he promised he would but Mom would always get us ready and soup us up about seeing him and he never came. Do not do that to your child. Tell him the truth. It is a hard thing to accept but in the long run he will be much better off knowing and putting this man out of his life. I wish my mother had done that for us.

Answer 7

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do except love your son. Your situation is more common then you think. Not just with Fathers but some Mothers as well. I raised my step children, and their mother would disappear for several years. She favored one child over the other. I divorced my step children's father, and he is doing the same thing to all our Children. He lives 25 minutes away. He knows the hurt because he witnessed it with our older two children first hand, but he still he ignores his children. I am sorry for your son, and I know it is hard to watch.

Answer 8

sadly, this is not uncommon. I know a LOT of parents who have "moved on" with their life and just don't want any ties to the past, which includes their children. I wouldn't try to keep finding ways for your son to get a chance to be with his father, nor would i bad mouth him. There could be many reasons why his father is trying to cut off contact, however if this man isn't willing to outline them for you so the two of you can fix it somehow there's nothing you can do. I would just emphasize to your son how much you love him and are happy he's with you. I definitely wouldn't lie to him. I would just be there for him and listen and tell him you're hurting for him (don't tell him you understand).

Answer 9

HI, I'M A MOM OF 4, BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT!! ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS TO LOVE YOUR SON, SAY NOTHING ABOUT DAD'S BEHAVIOR! I USUALLY ANSWERED WITH "I DON'T KNOW" YOUR SON WILL FIGURE THIS OUT WHEN HE'S OLDER, AND DAD WILL PAY DEARLY THEN, HIS SON WILL WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. AND IT WON'T BE BECAUSE YOU SAID ANYTHING!! MY KIDS COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THEIR DAD, THEY'LL NEVER BE DISRESPECTFUL, BUT THEY GO NOW WHERE WITH HIM WHEN HE CALLS AND WANTS TO PLAY FATHER KNOWS BEST! THEY SIMPLY TELL THEIR DAD THEIR BUSY!! AND THEN SAY TO ME "THE DEAD BEAT CALLED."

Answer 10

Dont mentioned it to him again. His pain will go slowly and he will be ok.