Guy problems. Hes older, met him at church. not about to give it up.what should i do? read on plz!!?

Question

i met him at my church 3 months ago. hes 17, im 14. i know that he is older than me, by quite a bit, and i really really like him. hes smart, funny, hilarious, has really cute quirks, and an overall really nice guy.(i think) i dont know if i should flirt with him or not. i know we arent supposed to do this, but w/e, i need advice. badly.

#1 - do i flirt?
#2 - what are the chances of it working out?
#3 - how many of you guys would have dated a 14year old when you were 17?
#4 - i know the situation and all, but how do i tell if he likes me or not?
#5 - is it true that all teenage guys think about is sex?

p.s. His family and mine have been friends for ever, literally. i went to this church since i was born, but then i moved to another provence when i was 5, then just moved back about 3/4 months ago, and every week i find myself more and more attracted to him, and its really weird because i usually wouldnt like someone like him.and im kinda, more "developed" then girls my age???

ok him and i had parts (leads) in our christmas play thing, and we always hung out in the youth loft b4 practice and after sermon ( it was youth, then sermon, then pratice). i dont have crazy hormones. but i do really like him. we both do good in school, for further questions, i do have a life other than church and him. i didnt go to church in the province i moved to when i was five. so i moved back here and im getting to know the ppl again. umm, what else? hmm ok i REALLY love his personality is amazing, but is it wrong to think hes really appealing?

we arent bible pushers or church freaks, but theres nothing wrong with that i guess lol

Sorry for all the added details, but i need good advice, and i just want to be clear. by saying " i know we arent supposed to do this" i meant by putting more than one question into a question lol. and i dont think he cares about sex that much, and im not really a person that will give in to anything. and he is a REALLY nice guy, he doesnt even stare like most guys do, (which bugs me), and he looks into my eyes when we talk. and i have been mistaken for 16 quite a few times. i have another question. (SO SORRY)

#6 - Can we be together when he turns 18, if we have a non-sexual relationship? ( if we are together when he is 17, then turns 18 after)

Answer 1

I would find out what does God want you to do in this situation. Remember Gods will is for us to be blessed. However, from what I read you have strong emotions or feelings for this man. It's normal part of growing up in life. Some might call it puppy love, I call it infatuation. The flesh always wants to do things that the spirit doesn't want to do. For the flesh is week but the spirit is strong. I have been down that road lots, excuse the poor grammar. I am a married man with a 3 year old and let me tell you it was a rocky road for the first 2 or 3 years. When I was single I would get mad at God when ever he told me to Wait. Well I didn't listen and the marriage was bad for the first few years. So, what that tells you is, do not go by feelings or your heart cause they will lead you the wrong way. Instead go with what the word says. First Corinthians 13- Love is patient Love is kind. You really do not wanna go down the road of temptation. What would happen if you allowed yourself to fall in love with guy and things go bad. One would be pregnancy or he goes to prison for many years to come. Then the family and his would be angry at you and the guy. You see the devil likes to come and cause strife and division in the family. From the sounds of what I have seen what you typed on the question you want to be with him based on feelings. My advice to you would be don't date him alone for a few reasons. One temptation Two he will be 18 real soon and that means prison time will be served. I realize this is a tough thing for you to think about, and the struggles you might be going through. I would not begin to understand or have a clue to what your dealing with. However I have some idea because I been there at one time or the other. So in this matter use some wisdom. Take care and God bless..

Answer 2

First of all, i think his ex was trying to tell you that he's into you. And the fact that he does pay attention to you, means there's hope for you! However, the age gap is indeed a problem. Four years is a long time, and i bet you weren't thinking the way you are right now four years ago. You can give this relationship a chance, but it probably isn't going to last long, without turbulence. However, an age gap can be overcame with mutual understanding and communication. I'll suggest that you two build up a strong friendship first, before moving on to what may happen. Also, besides for the fact that "he is really hot, smart, sweet, confident and has the best sense of humour (you) have ever come across" in a group, are you two able to hit it well TOGETHER? After building a strong friendship, if he does seem sincere into starting something up with you, and you realise that your feelings for him is love, go for it! I hope that helps :D

Answer 3

#1- not so much
#2- im 15 + a freshman and juniors dont seem to mind, so yes
#3- ?
#4- he'll start wierd conversations so he can talk to you
#5- yes and no, to good christian guys, it happens subconsciencely, thats just how we are made

Just be nice and yourself. Just remember what Gad has in store for you; don't force His will out of the situation.

Good luck and God Bless You so much!

I read my answer and thought about my life. And i needed to add this: It feels great to like the golden boy or "super hot" girl, but don't be afraid to look around at the unexpected or your close friends. That is what makes me the happiest.

Oh i almost forgot; if you are more "developed" than average, just be modest. I can't stand when girls try to attract attention to their chests.

My parayers will be with you and your friend.

Answer 4

#1 Nothing wrong with flirting.
#2 Chances would be good if you were 17 and he were 20...14 and 17 is very touchy...statutory laws are involved here.
#3 I would not have dated at 14..My father would have forbidden it.
#4 CAn usually tell by the looks he sends in your direction and by little smiles...these show interest.
#5 Teenage boys thing about sex, sports, girls, and sex. oh yeah and sex.

Answer 5

Go ahead and have a crush on him and maybe someday you two will laugh about it but for Heaven's sake girl-do not, I repeat DO NOT attempt to flirt or do anything with him-you are only 14! Give yourself a chance to be a kid. If he has any interest in you he'll wait. If he has any conscience he'll leave you alone and go after someone his own age. Don't mean to hurt your feelings but at 14, you should be a bit less into a 17 yr old and more into yourself.

Answer 6

This is a tough, but common, situation for a teenager. Your approach depends completely upon what you are hoping to achieve. First of all, let me, as a 19 year old male, get a few things out of the way:

Teenage guys have a *lot* of sexual thoughts. While they may not be thinking about the act of sex itself, there are a lot of related things that go through their minds regularly. On this note, not all teenagers are the same. This, in fact, is the stage of life when the divergence of different personalities is at its most extreme. I want to avoid giving you any false impressions about a guy I don't know, so all I can conclude is this: teenage guys think about more things than sex. How much they deviate from this drive depends completely upon the nature of the individual.

In reference to your statement "I know we aren't supposed to do this", I'm not entirely sure what you mean. There are no rules against being in a relationship at a young age, unless they are those of your parents or your church. The legality of it arises when you start addressing the sexual nature of the relationship. I'm not entirely sure of the statutory laws where you are (I'm from Canada), so I don't want to give you any misleading advice in this area.

Now to your questions...

#1 Do I flirt? This is a simple question to answer. If you want to be in a relationship with this guy, then yes. If not, then no. Whether you want to be with him is the difficult decision. Hopefully, I will be able to make your decision clearer by answering your next few questions.

#2 What are the chances of it working out? If you want numbers, I don't have them. However, I do have a decent amount of experience with teenage relationships gone both good and bad. Personally, the relationships I've seen have typically been in three categories:
1) Those that last for a few months
2) Those that last for slightly more than a year
3) Those that have lasted until now
As far as pure qualitative statistics, the majority of relationships fall under category 1. To improve your chances of falling into category 3, there are many factors you must take into account. First, if *both* of your parents "support" (i.e. don't despise) your relationship, the odds of it being successful are much greater, because this decreases the amount of outside influence on the relationship. Second, if both of you are smart about the relationship, and are able to look at it from an objective point of view (one of the most difficult parts of any relationship), then you will be able to avoid making irrational decisions when the opportunity arises (and trust me, the opportunity will arise many, many times). Lastly, and most obviously, is compatibility. Maturity levels don't necessarily need to be similar, but some combinations (i.e. two mature partners) are definitely more stable than others. Compatibility of dominance is also important, having two constantly-dominant people in a relationship typically results in a "clash of the titans" so to speak, where arguments occur often, and never end well. Essentially, the biggest part about building a successful relationship is that both partners are willing to make concessions for the benefit of the relationship as a whole.

#3 Personally (and I will only speak for myself), I would not have dated a 14 year old when I was 17. However, one of my best friends was actually in a relationship of that exact configuration for just under a year.

#4 To be honest with you, the *easiest* (not necessarily the most effective nor the suggested way), is to simply ask him. Most guys typically dislike playing games when it comes to determining their status with a girl, so if he "likes" you, he'll answer your question honestly. If you want to be more subtle about it, and play a bit of damage control, then you could always wait for him to make the first move. This approach won't work, however, if he is not a very assertive person (i.e. he is shy). Another option, if you ever get alone-time, is to begin making more and more physical contact every time you see him. Start with a hug here and there, then, while watching TV or a movie, rest your head on his shoulder. Physical signs are very effective, and, if need be, you can always fall back on the "close friends" status if he doesn't reciprocate in any way.

The last point I'd like to make before closing is that you should be wise, and mindful about this issue, while avoiding turning this situation into pure politics. Whatever you do, do not lose sight of the importance of the bond between two people, and the mutual bliss that this bond creates!

Best of luck to you in your current and future endeavours.

- Romi from Waterloo, Canada

Answer 7

1. If you like him for his personality.... go for it. Would not hurt.
2. Depends. If he likes you for you and vice versa... it could work out, but age is still a barrier in my opinion. Three years is nothing, but three years with the ages of 14 and 17 is a bit questionable. Personal opinion.
3. I would lean towards no.
4. Does he try to touch you (e.g. hold your hand, give you a hug)? Glance at you every now and then? Constantly smiles at you?
5. What? No.

Answer 8

Easy girl. Don't let those 14-year old hormones get away with you. Just talk to him. Be natural. Pray about it. Maybe you two will have a moment to talk at youth group or a family function and you can better gauge his feelings. Until then, be cool. Smile when he's around, but have a life. Go out with friends and do good in school.

Answer 9

well im 15 and i liked a 17 yr old we ended up goin out for quite a while. flirt with him give it time for things to work there own ways and if it works out great but if not its ok think its 4 the better. DONT do anything u dont wanna do!

Answer 10

When I was 17, I started dating a 14 year old girl from my high school, and now I'm 19 and she's 16 and we're going on two years. I think that if you two really like each other FOR THE RIGHT REASONS then it's ok. How do you think your families will react if they knew about it? Since they've been friends forever it might not be that big of a deal, as long as they can trust you two not to take the relationship too far. Anyway, on to your questions:

1. I have a personal belief that if someone's really interested in you and you're interested in them, it's best not to beat around the bush by flirting, but instead just to go to them and be honest. A lot of the time flirting with someone gives them the idea that you want something sexual instead of a serious relationship. If you know he likes you, why go through all of that trouble?

2. Once again, ithis is something that depends on what the both of you want out of this relationship. If he's interested in you only because you're more "developed" than most other 14 year olds, then obviously it's not going to work out. But if he loves you for the same reasons you're interested in him (which all seem to be personality-based and not physical) than it should at least work out at first. It also depends on your definition of "work out"; if you think this is a person that you could fall in love with and get married to in the future, then there are still going to be a lot of things besides age that will create conflict. If you're just looking for a boyfriend to be happy with and to see where it goes, then it SHOULD be okay but no one would really know except the two of you.

3. I did, but honestly speaking I wouldn't have normally. I just happened to really like this girl a lot, so I took the risk. I guess it just depends on the people.

4. The best course of action would be to ask him directly (or find a trusted person to ask him if you're too scared to yourself) but another reliable way to know is to look at his body language when he's with you. Take note of his eyes. Does he look directly at you when you two are talking? Is he staring at your eyes or at your chest? If he has a tendency to kind of gaze at you, how long is it? short gaze could be in admiration, while a longer one could mean he's only looking at your physical features. How comfortable does he seem to be with you and how comfortable are you with him? What kind of things do you two talk about? Does he seem genuinely concerned for you?

5. No. But a lot of them, probably most of them, do. It would be a good idea to talk to him about it if you two ever decide to be together. That way you can both say what you want and you'll know if his thoughts about it are in agreeance with your feelings. If he says sex isn't a big deal to him, then you'll know if he was tellling the truth about it whenever you two are alone. Also, try to see what he thinks about your feelings and views on sex, if he agrees with them or is comfortable with them. Being 17, there's a fairly good chance that he's sexually active, church-going or not. The important factor here is communication.

Hope that helps. I don't normally do this, but if you're still unclear than feel free to email me: [e-mail]. I was just as confused a few years ago as you are now, but we both struggled though it and we're happy and better off for it. We plan on getting married. So it's certainly possible, but it does take a lot of work. :)



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