"Stigma" of choosing not to have children?

Question

I am amazed at the number of people who assume I am selfish because I have chosen not to have children. The facts are that not having kids gives me the freedom to give back to my community in ways that many of my peers with kids couldn't even think of because they are so consumed with their children. My wife and I thought long and hard about having children for over 10 years and we decided it just wasn't something we really wanted to do. When she decided to have her tubes tied (she is 40 and I am 41) there were some that claimed we were being "selfish". Can't figure that one out. There is a price for everything - having kids and not having kids. When we are old there will only be my wife and I - and that's a tough choice we had to make. So, I am curious why the "stigma" of not having children?

Answer 1

I am not sure. But I applaude you for thinking through your decision so wisely. So many people have children simply to have children and don't make good parents. I wish more people would think long and hard about having kids because it is simply not for everyone. I know a couple who had a kid "just because they wanted to be parents." Their kid goes to a regular sitter during the day when the parents are a work and then several nights a week they have a teenager come in to care for her so they can go out to dinner, to play softball, whatever. Then they wonder why the kid cries everytime they pick her up from the sitter. She is being raised by that sitter and feels like she is being ripped from her home every night. Seriously, thank you for thinking it through and realizing that it is not for you. I think that is the LEAST selfish thing you could do. Anyone who criticizes you is insane.

Answer 2

I'm in that so-called "stigma" crowd myself.


Part of the problem is our society has become too child-oriented in the past few decades.

The other problem is, the world population has grown over the past two decades - we are now at 6.5 billion.

It appears that too many people out there remain uneducated about exponential growth.

Not all adults are child oriented, there is nothing wrong in deciding not to have kids.

At one time in American society, it was expected for adults once they reach a certain age to marry and have kids, so that everyone can at least appear alike on the surface for something called "social cohesion." This was back in the 1950's.

Then came the 1960's and certain societal norms became challenged, some for the worse, some for the better. Minority groups gained civil rights, to be sure, but being childless was still frowned upon as it is now.

I have actually experienced discrimination in the workplace for being childless (though I plan on getting that changed) and trust me it was not pretty.

Answer 3

I'm not saying this is right, but I think the stigma comes from the fact that it seems to be against human nature to NOT want to pass on your own genetic code. If you think about it, that's why some couples spend TENS of thousands of dollars to try and have their *own* baby, rather than just adopting one. This isn't to say it's fair, but just to offer a possible explanation.

Personally, I think it's your choice and you're not any less of a person for not taking on something you KNEW you didn't want! There are too many people (especially KIDS!) having babies that can't and don't want to provide for them. Anyway, it's really no one else's place to call you selfish. People don't instantly become parent material once the test comes back positive, and some people NEVER acquire those skills even after having kids. If you and your wife feel that parenting isn't your gig, then congrats for taking steps to keep it from happening!

Answer 4

Consider the source. The only who would say something like that is a self righteous individual, who is selfish themselves.

The comment made about you being selfish is in and of itself iridiculous, as anyone can have a child, billions have , billions will..on the other hand, not many in this world live their life with honesty and integrity, without selling out to the worlds standards of corruption, and superficiality including "the american dream".

With population on the exponential rise, and a soon to be reduction in earthly resources, it is with caution of the future of mankind that the selfless considering having children. Dont listen to the bloke!

Answer 5

Those of us with children usually can not imagine our lives without them. That makes it very difficult for us to imagine someone else living their lives without them.

I don't think you're selfish. I think people who bring children into the world, then choose to use the children as their trophies while someone else takes care of them so they can go off and do their own thing, yeah, that's selfish. Deciding not to have them at all isn't, though.

To be perfectly honest, I don't have negative feelings about people who have had no children, but I do find myself wondering about why they didn't. This comes from what I said about being unable to imagine life WITHOUT them.

I'm a firm believer in the saying that "it takes a village to raise a child." I think that the fact that you have no children of your own doesn't mean you aren't still a part of the village. I have children, but my best friends don't. I have some older friends (in their fifties) who don't have children, and they think of mine as many think of their own grandchildren.

As long as you and your wife are both okay with the choice, and you don't live selfish lives, I don't see either of you as being selfish because you chose to be childless.

Answer 6

I applaud you for choosing not to have children. If you don't want them, don't have them. Children born to those who don't want children are usually raised by others (daycare centers, the government, etc.) The only people who truly suffer are the children.

I'm not sure what the deal is with the stigma either. I have one child. My husband and I know that is all we can afford and are not going to have another because it is politically correct. We know our financial limits, availability to be an attentive parent, and want our child to be happy. We refuse to have more, despite what people say, because we are not going to ask the American public to raise them because we could not afford them and/or do not have the time because work, etc.

Just remember, it is no ones business anyway. You own NO ONE an explanation.Take care.

Answer 7

It is because society expects a married couple to WANT to have children. In my opinion I figure it is up to the couple to decide whether or not they want to have children not society or "family". But how many times have you been to an wedding and inevitably someone will ask about when the couple is going to start a family? Alot of parents are after their newly wed children to give them grandchildren. I'm of the opinion that if the parents want children then THEY should have them rather than expecting their married children to do it for them. As for me you don't want children...GREAT, enjoy your lives as you CHOOSE to live them because when it all comes to the end there is only ONE you will have to answer to any way (at least in my humble Christian opinion) and I don't think the "creator" is going to mind that you decided NOT to bring unwanted babies into the world to be unwanted.

Answer 8

Kudos on your firm decision.

No stigmas. It is plain jealousy. Ask the ones who 'accidentally' became parents.

If, at a later time, things/minds change you can always adopt. Though I doubt you will because you made a sound decision based on thinking things thru. At least, that's how you come across in your question.

Never mind what others say. You did the right thing. Just move on and enjoy the finer things in life.

Undeserving parents bringing those innocent ones in this world are the one's whose tubes must be tied.

Answer 9

That's wrong to say your selfish because you chose not to have children, if you don't want to do have them, that's your decision. I'd rather someone not have kids, then someone have kids and not want them, or abuse them. I worked at a daycare for almost two years and saw many a parents who saw their kids as an incovience and it upset me very much. One less unwanted child in the world. It's not like you killed your child.

Answer 10

well if others consider what you are doing wrong that's just them you don't have to listen to them. if you give back to your community maybe you could try being a foster parent...i mean i dont think its bad not to want children but i also understand the feeling of wanting to pass your family history on to someone else...this is where fostering a child could help out and you can pick the age range of the child that you'd like...and you are benefiting the community by giving a child a home that didn't have one before.