Please help me. I'm really down, and out. Please give me something to laugh about, I could use a good laugh.

Answer 1

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


Blessings...

Answer 2

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. So,how are you feeling?'"

Hope this perks you up..

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Answer 3

o ga i gots a goodn!!! k so i was at this christmas party with all my friends and we were all way hyper off of caffeine or eggnog (one or the other...maybe both....;) ). My boyfriend was sitting next to me on the couch and he was messing with a phone. he started saying stuff like "ga, lauren you psycho!" me and him have the same phone so I thought it was a video on my phone of me another time when i was really hy off of caffein with my gals. We were just being silly but i REALLY didnt want him to see that video. REALLY. so I hurried and slapped the phone out of his hands onto the floor and started spazzing out like "how much of that did you see?!?!?!" and stuff and he was so shocked. o ga you should have seen the look on his face. It was classic. well my friends started spazzing out laffing their heads off. Turns out he was watching a completely different video on his phone of me laughing really hard. I have no idea why it was on there or why he was watching it. But ya it was just so hilarious you just had to be there. Me and my friends can get pretty hy sometimes. Well i hope i made you laff or at least smile at what a blonde i am. ~*mErRy ChRiStMaS*~ and plz don't be too down for the holidays!!

Answer 4

okay...here are a couple of my fave funny things when I'm down...

One dark day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys stood up to figh,
back to bak they faced eachother,
drew out their swrods and shot eachother,
the deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and shot those two dead boys,
if you don't believe my lie is true,
just aske the blind man,
he sa it too.

3 nuns walk into a bar, luckily the fourth was was smart and walked around it.

Dear ladies and gentlemen,
I come before you,
to stand behind you,
to tell you something,
I know nothing about.
This Thursday,
which is good Friday,
we will be having a mothers meeting,
for fathers only.
The admission is free,
so please pay at the door,
and bring your own chairs,
for we will be sitting on the floor.

If God intended us to smoke, who would have set us on fire.

lol, those are just a few of my favorites...and feel happier, alright?

Answer 5

well, i go to a catholic skool, and we have to go to confession like every month, like, when u tell the father ur sins, so after curch one day we had confession and the whole skool was sitting in the church pews, waiting for their turn to go see the preist, so then this little 4th grade kid comes out of confession and there are like 3 stairs u have to walk down to get back to the pews, and it looked like he didn't notice them, so he just kept on walking and fell down the steps, it was really funny.

ok heres a joke i heard somewhere its pretty dumb though- if a tree in the forest falls on a person and there are no other people around to hear it, does ne-1 care?!

Answer 6

1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
>
>2. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating
>rink.
>
>3. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back
>of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
>cigarettes at the front.
>
>4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a
>diet coke.
>
>5. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens
>to the counters.
>
>6. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
>driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>
>7. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then
>have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to
>talk to in the first place.
>
>8. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
>packages of eight.
>
>9. Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so
>well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
>creatures'.
>
>10. Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
>lettering.
>
>EVER WONDER......
>
>Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>Why you don¢t ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
>Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
>
>Why it is that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>Why it is that to stop Windows 98, you have to clickon "Start"?
>
>Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made
>with real lemons?
>
>Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
>
>Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?
>
>Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
>Why they are called apartments when they are all
>stuck together?
>
>If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
>opposite of progress?
>
>In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
>stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods....
>
>On a Sears hairdryer:
>Do not use while sleeping.
>Wow, thanks for the ingenious advice.
>
>On a bag of Fritos:
>You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
>For shoplifters maybe?
>
>On a bar of Dial soap:
>Directions: Use like regular soap.
> Do they actually think we'll try and dial it?
>
>On some Swanson frozen dinners:
>Serving suggestion: Defrost.
>But, you know, it¢s just a suggestion.
>
>On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
>Do not turn upside down.
>....Kinda late isn¢t it?
>
>On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
>Product will be hot after heating!
>Oh, darn. I thought it would be cold. (???)
>
>On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
>Do not iron clothes on body.
>Aww.... So much for saving time doing it that way.
>
>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
>Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
>You know, those people are right. We could definitely reduce the rate
of
>car accidents if those five-year-olds would stop driving after taking
>medicine.
>
>On Nytol Sleep Aid:
>Warning: May cause drowsiness.
>And I¢m taking this because....?
>
>On most brands of Christmas lights:
>For indoor or outdoor use only.
>As opposed to....? Where else can i use it?!
>
>On Sunsbury's peanuts:
>Warning: contains nuts.
>Thanks for the newsflash. Well duh.......
>
>On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
>Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
>....Um..........what else could you do with a packet of nuts? just sit
>there and stare at it........?
>
>On a child's superman costume:
>Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
>I guess I¢ll have to rethink my Halloween costume. What do you think
about
>Batman?
>
>Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
>stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even
>a chuckle). We all need to smile every once in a while.
>
>lol!!!
>
>
>

Answer 7

So this one time I went to the pizza parlor and ordered a double cheeseburger and a side order of wings, and the cashier is like "Dude.... we don't uhh we don't do cheeseburgers". So I said "Dude... just take the pizza and fold it and smash it so it looks like a burger" ~ So then the guy smashes it, and it looks really, really bad. Then I say "I said a burger! ~ not a bugar!" And the guy says "Snap out of it!" And I say "Ohh" and then I wake up and realize it was a dream, because I never say "pizza parlor". That sounds like a beauty shop for pizza. Thanks for letting me share.

Answer 8

Why is Santa always jolly?
= Because he knows where all the bad girls live!

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
= Because he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimmney!!!

Answer 9

why did the chicken cross the road



to get to the other side

Answer 10

Remember, you will at least never have to live through this day again.