I had to do this myself.
You must 'not' let him find out for himself.
Can you imagine how devistated it would be for him to find out that way, and how his trust in you would be ruined..
You 'MUST' tell him personally.
Try doing what I did, (first I prayed very hard) about how to handle
this, and what to say.
I took my son out 'just me and him', and went to eat then drove to the park.
I started the conversation by telling him how proud I was of him,
and how much I loved him.
I then told him I had something 'very' important to tell him that might cause him a lot of pain, but hoped that he would try to understand.. Then I told him!!
Yes, I could see some hurt in his eyes, but we ended up talking
for nearly two hours, a few tears (mostly from me), but he told me the best words a step-dad could ever hear.
"As far as I'm concerned you 'are' my dad", and i'm glad you told me the truth.'
Sure, he had a lot of questions, so be prepared to answer them.
2006-12-23 19:08:08
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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If he is very well adjusted then you have done a great job. I agree with you that a "real " dad is the one who is around.
Don't wait until he goes off to college. Tell him as soon as possible. Tell him that you did not tell him when he was younger because you did not want to confuse him and that you have never thought of him as a step child.
Tell him that you feel he is old enough to know the truth and that it makes no difference to the way you feel about him.
I would also avoid saying anything bad about his natural father. Just tell him that his mother and the natural father did not get along and they divorced. Tell him that the man is dead. And that you don't understand why he chose not to be a part of his son's life --he might have had problems you didn't know about.
Your son may be upset --that would be only natural --he would want to know all about this man ( and now he can't even talk to him) But, if he knows that he is loved, I think he will realize at some point that you and your wife were doing what you thought was best at the time.
2006-12-23 15:04:10
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answer #2
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answered by Marilyn E 4
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you need to tell him, dont let him find out on his own. That would upset him a whole lot more. He may be hurt and angry and even confused when he first finds out this is a natural response. It will be a lot worse if he finds out on his own. So, you and his mom need to sit him down and tell him. Explain that the reason you have never told him is that you feel he is your real son and you love him like he is. Have a good heart to heart talk with him and eventually after he gets over the shock all will be good again. Have you ever thought about getting your name on his birth certificate? If his biological father is deceased this is actually pretty easy for you to do, you just adopt him as you and your wifes child.
2006-12-23 14:58:31
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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Personally, I think he is now coming into the age when he would be able to best handle such news. And I think that you and your wife need to sit down and decide when will be the best time to tell him. I would not wait until the day he goes off to college or needs his birth certificate. I don't think it is going to be as bad as you think, for many reasons. The number one reason being his biological father is dead. The difficult things are going to be answering his questions. And the two of you should be completely honest with him. The proof is in the life he has had, he has had to loving parents, that obviously love him and each-other very much. You simply have to explain to him the same way you have posted your question. Everything will be fine. Have trust in God, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas and a joyous New Year! God bless you and your family****
2006-12-23 14:50:14
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answer #4
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answered by ? 7
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You sir, are a good man. God Bless you. I think you and your wife made a fine decision and have raised a happy son. (From the sounds of it) I think that your son needs to be told though. Please don't let him find out on his own. If that were to happen I think he would feel betrayed. I think you and your wife need to sit down with him soon and tell him the truth. I wouldn't tell him that his biological father did not want him, unless that is completely necessary. Just make sure he knows and remembers that you love him very much and that you have always thought of him as your own. Be prepared for him to want to know all about his biological father and his family. Be supportive and good luck!!
2006-12-23 14:51:12
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answer #5
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answered by orchidshel 2
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same sitution but im the child well daughter and i was 1 yo .... i`ve known since i was about 12.But no matter what 2 me my biological father donated the sperm and thats it.He hasnt really wanted anything 2 do with me since . 2 me the dad i`ve had since i was 1 is my only dad.
Im 20 next month and it hasnt changed my view of my dad he`s the 1 thats been there when i`ve needed help etc and i love him just as much as i did before i knew the truth..........
Just tell him then give him some space and if he has anymore questios about it he will ask u or ur wife he will feel hurt a1st but he will come round......
Good luck, merry christmas and all the best 4 the new year
2006-12-23 15:06:19
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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Wow, this is a tough one. I would not wait much longer to tell him though. Is there any way that both your wife and you could speak to him, perhaps with your Pastor or something?
Maybe you could get the photo albums out some evening and be looking at them when he comes in. Look at recent ones first and then work your way to the older pictures. Do a lot of "I remember when you were 8" and "I remember how cute you were when....." and then go to the baby pictures and say how much you loved him when he was a baby. Do you know anyone who has adopted children, perhaps you could talk about them and how much adopted parents love their children.
I told my step-son (his mother died when he was 13) a couple of years after I married his dad, that some children grow in our bodies, like my own two children, but other children grow in our hearts, like he and his sister. They are "mine" in a different way than my own biological children are, but I still feel that they are mine.
Bless you for raising this young man and for caring for him so much.
Good Luck!
2006-12-23 17:15:46
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answer #7
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answered by ? 7
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My opinion...you both need to talk to him. There is a very good chance he suspects this already. People talk and kids are not stupid.
You need to do it sooner than later...explain to him everything. Including that is biological father is dead...you don't have to tell him he didn't want him. Just remind him that you are his father and that you love him not matter what.
Be prepared he may want to meet the rest of his family...and you helping him do that would be a great way to show your love.
Him finding out on his own or in the wrong way will make him mad and angry at you both for not telling him sooner.
2006-12-23 14:48:03
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answer #8
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answered by ~Just A Girl~ 3
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I think it is great that you have loved him as your own all of this time,Not many people will accept kids as their own,I have three wonderful kids born of my heart and not of my womb and I love them dearly.I would sit down and talk to him,But I think I would do it before he goes off to college,If you tell him right before he leaves it may hinder him and his grade because he may be very upset that he didn't know all this time.Maybe make it a New year's resolution.Just remember he will most likely be mad and he has that right let him say what he wants and feel however he needs to,If he does get upset he will calm down and he will know that everything you did was for his own good.I am sure that you have showed him enough love over the years that he will understand why you didn't tell him and he will be able to accept it.When you do sit down to tell him,it is going to be hard so you may just want to hand him his birth certificate and let him ask questions,That may be easier,Good luck.
2006-12-23 15:30:02
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answer #9
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answered by crystal powell 3
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If he is to find out he should hear it from you. my son was told by his family both sides Aunts and Uncles. And his teachers always made a point of it to. they rub it in his face that he's not mine biologically. but as far as I'm concerned I choose the job the sperm donor wasn't man enough for. He's 21 in 1 week I've been his dad by choice for over 18 years.. My sons favorite song is the father he didn't have to be..
2006-12-23 14:54:55
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answer #10
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answered by Anonymous
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