Am I being too hard on my 5 year old?

Question

I have a 3 boys and my 5 year old is the middle child. He is in kindergarten and he has been suspended from school 2 times! The first suspension was on the 2nd week of school for kicking the principal when she was attempted to remove him from the classroom during a tantrum. Just to give you some history he comes from a home with his mother and his father (if that matters to anyone). We live in a house which we own (if that matters to anyone), and he is not abused physically, verbally, or mentally (if that matters to anyone). Some things we have tried:staying in his room, spanking, punishments, taking priveledges away, stern talking to and now he is seeing a child psychologist. The boy is extremely intelligent. As punishment for this suspension my husband and I have decided to not let him have any christmas presents from Santa or Mommy/Daddy or anyone else. Are we being unreasonable?

One more thing.......If we don't do something extreme, how do we show him that we mean business. The suspensions have been only 2 but he's in trouble at least once weekly. We practically through a party when he has a good day, so we are celebrating the achievements. Is it possible that he may not be getting a fresh start at school with his teacher, and she may be fed up with his behavior and not giving him the benefit of the doubt that she would with a less bothersome child? We want him to know that we dislike his behavior, but we love him with all our heart. He is only 5 now, but we will look over our shoulder and he will be a 15 year old rebel!

Answer 1

I don't think this is the answer. Sure, he's out of control, but there seems to big something bigger here, maybe something he doesn't know how to control. No child "wants" to be bad. You've said he's seeing a child psychologist. Let the psychologist help you deal with his anger issues, and give him all the love you can. Let him have Christmas.

Answer 2

That's a bit much, I think. I think that if you have doubts about it being too harsh, (which is sounds like you do, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this question) it is too harsh! Try using positive reinforcement, instead of concentrating on everything he does bad. Reward him for the good things he does and make a BIG deal about it when he does something good. Also, is the child psychologists a behavioral specialist? If not it sounds like your son needs behavioral therapy. The trick with reinforcing a behavior and/or eliminating a behavior is that is has to occur at the time of incident or action or shortly there after. He needs a reward system, (tokens: earns 5 tokens gets a toy from the dollar store, and when he's bad, tokens get taken away). This stuff really works, and I would talk to the psychologists about these types of system and what might work best for your son. It sounds like you are doing a lot, but there is a root problem that needs to be figured out. This type of behavior is not normal, seeing the psychologist is ggreat, and an IEP at the school is a good idea. He needs to be taught how to deal with his anger in a positive way,

---Some teachers do form an opinion about certain students (I don't think that's right and everychild should be given the benefit of the doubt), If your son were to be put on an IEP, depending on how your school system works would determine if he were to stay in that class the entire day of school or spend sometime in the same class and see a special education teacher part of the day.

Answer 3

That is a bit over the top. Punishment is about teaching, and your son should be able to earn back those things taken by modifying his behavior. Taking away Christmas will take a year to earn back, thats 20% of his entire life. My 5 year old was also suspended from kindergarted, and two weeks later expelled. After finding a wonderful therapist, he was diagnosed with adhd. I don't medicate, but have found other things that work well for us. Find out if there is a particular time of day that he is acting out during. My son's worst time was after lunch, his teacher would let him run messages to the office as needed, or let him get up for some other job every few minutes, and it seemed to help. Daily notes home, and small rewards worked great. My son is now 10, and rewards still work well, they just take more to earn. Good luck.

Answer 4

DON'T take away the presents! He'll never forget it, and will probably get much worse for a few months over it. I would check into taking him to a Child Study Center ( a lot of colleges have them) and see if there is something going on chemically or biologically. My son did the same thing, yet had above average intelligence. He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism. He has a hard time with language and feeling empathy towards others. Staying consistent with discipline and NOT rewarding him every time he's good may also help. He should learn that behaving in school is expected, and save the party for something like a good report card or being well-behaved at school for a couple of weeks in a row. I'm not trying to diagnose your child, but you may want to look into disorders such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder and autism. I don't recommend meds, but if it gets worse, they might help. And if you feel the teacher is not being fair towards him, ask her to videotape him for a day or sit in during class for a few hours. You may get some more insight into what's really going on. My son's preschool teacher kept complaining about his attacks, then he began coming home with bruises and finally a nasty bite mark on his chest. She wasn't even watching the kids most of the time, she was either on the phone or absorbed in paperwork at her desk. I transferred him to a different class, and he improved. Keep at it with the discipline and save rewards for really special accomplishments, and don't take away Christmas. It's only once a year, and it will break his heart and I'm betting he'll really act out if you do that. Wish you luck.

Answer 5

When did he turn 5? Boys mature more slowly than girls and sometimes they are not ready for kindergarten until they are 6. Does the psychologist offer you any diagnosis yet? I don't agree with the no gifts act. I think it is way too harsh for a five year old child. How did he react? I think it would have been better to take a gift he really wanted off his list and tell him it was because of his behavior at school. I really think if you held him back in kindergarten until next year he might grow out of this immaturity. Did he attend any organized program before he started kindergarten? He might be socially behind.

Answer 6

Kids are Kids. They make mistakes and some way or another, they learn from them. He is 5 and I know a little girl that kicked her mom in the stomach (when she was almost 9 months pregnant) which caused the baby to become mentally challenged. I would not take Christmas away because would you like your child to be asked "So...what did you get for Christmas?" and then your child says "my mommy and daddy didn't let me celebrate it so I did not get any presents." Would you like that to happen? I would take privileges like:
1.No Television
2.Take toys out of room
3. time out each day for at least 3 minutes

but otherwise you and your husband are doing the right thing because education is very important in a person's life and to start out with having suspension 2 times is a very bad way to start education (especially in kindergarten.) My daughter Evelyn who is also in the middle (out of 2 other girls) used to get in trouble at school but now, with what I did (above) helped her understand how to deal with school and the opportunities that education give you.

Answer 7

Troubled children come from troubled homes. Enough said. If your child has that much disrespect for authority, there is much work to be done. Great you own a home and are still married. But what about your parenting skills?

Are you consistent with his punishments and rewards? Do you verbally threaten him and NOT follow through?

Young children need punishment to be instant. Taking away Christmas is TOO far removed from a suspension.

Try no television, video games, etc.

You honestly need to look at your actions and reactions regarding your son.

Answer 8

Yes, you have lost it. That is WAY off the wall-he will never forgive you, plus the punishment doesn't fit the crime and is way delayed from the time of the offense.

My middle is a handful, was diagnosed with ADD impulsive type at 4.5, he is also gifted and lives in an intact home (if that matters, lol). You need professional help from that psychologist as to discipline tactics and strategies, also an IEP from your school district. If your psych can't handle the request, you need a new psych. Been there, done that-I am sorry for you and your son.

Answer 9

yes. he is only five and that is not the kind of punishments that i child need at that age in order to teach him a lesson. My aunt took away Halloween from a child and it didn't do any good in fact it made it worse. You are a smart adult you can surely think of a better repercussions. Just think how you would feel if you were in his shoes. Just have a talk with him telling him Santa does not appreciate his behavior and if he continues his behavior you will take away a toy every time he is naughty

Answer 10

No you are not being to hard on your son. I agree with Becky C
if you told him you would do this then you need to back it up.
I am the mother of three boys also. My five year old is in the middle to. If I was in your situation I would have him see a
child psychologist. Hopefully the therapy will help your son and family. If this works you can try being more consistent with
the punishment you tried before of taking his priveledges away.