Not sure how to handle this situation, can you help?

Question

My 11 yr old son has pushing the limits all week and so my husband talked to him about things this morning. We felt the talk was successful and all was well. This afternoon my son asked if he could go play with some new kids he met in their yard. I said no because I didn't know them or where exactly he was going to be. He asked if he could continue to skateboard. I said yes. I went out to call him in shortly after that. I had to drive around the neighborhood and found him several blocks away playing street football with 3 20ish age guys who were smoking and drinking. He lied on more than one aspect, talked to strangers, disobeyed me and went outside his distance limits. He knows he is not to stay at anyone's house without telling me first let alone strangers! I can't see beyond the worry of what could've happened and anger at his behavior to think of what to do at this point. Any ideas?

He has been punished and received consequences of his actions previously. He has been grounded, had to do extra chores, and had his playstation and tv privilages taken away. Nothing seems to work right now.

Answer 1

I had a similar situation with my seven year old daughter about a month ago...well it was different once I found her I knew the person she was with. But she did break my rules by going in their house and not telling me etc etc etc.
First of all let yourself calm down. I know you were scared angry etc. But telling him all that isnt going to help the situation or make him see what he did was wrong. Eleven is a tough age. They are trying to find themselves and their freedom. They are breaking into teenage-dom...but not quite a teenager yet. They are trying to figure out who they are and what they can do.
Give it until tomorrow morning and then sit him down. What I did with my daughter was explain to her EVERYTHING I went through when I didnt know where she was. My searching, my physical actions, my thoughts, my fears. Told her exactly what I was thinking and feeling and how I would have felt had something happened to her-and exactly what could have happened to her. At eleven he of course knows these things on a level my seven year old didnt...but he might need to hear them from you all over again and so close to what happened.
Also explain to him the risks of hanging around with people who are behaving the way these people were. It was probably innocent to him...but there is never a wrong time to teach the dangers of smoking and drinking.
This also calls for punishment but that punishment really depends on what your family feels is best and no one can tell you what is best for your family on that level.
Also Christmas make a special point of letting him know just how relieved you are that he was found safe and how you would feel if he wasnt on that day especially.
Talking works a lot better than yelling.
Good luck with this!!!

Answer 2

take a deep breath and say this too will pass.
It's hard to believe that your sweet innocent baby has truned into this preteen. Everyone warns us about the terrible two's but they forget to mention this age.
Understand that at this age he is feeling as unsure of things as you are. He has all these feelings that are new to him and he doesn't know where to turn.
WHILE all children push their limits to some degree, you must decide if this is normal pushing or if this could cause harm or lead you child down a road that might lead to death or jail. If you feel that it is the latter then seek help. If however, he is a good kid most of the time then set the limits and the more he tests the more you stand frim. For example, if that had been my son he would not have been allowed to go outside with out adult supervision for a week. (yes, i have done that to my 13 year old)
The hardest thing in parenting isn't setting limits it's keeping the limits in place. While you can't stop him from pushing the limits you can hold the limits in place and make his punishments to fit the crime, or make it where he doesn't want punishments. Once my 13 yearold called the teacher a dirty world. The next day I took him in to school and made him give her an apology letter that he had to write at home, and give her a hug in front of his whole class. If he gets in trouble at school, in the hall for example, I go to school an walk him to class. If he is going to act like a 2 year old treat him like one. If you can't trust him to stay in your yard then make him go outside only when an adult is with him. If he is lying then make him have proof that he isn't. While this isn't the easiet plan it is one that works. Remember, our parents survived us and you willsurvive him. Good luck

Answer 3

She's your best friend, and odds are that she would not be cool with your digging on her dad. An 18 y/o chick and a 40 y/o dude stand very little chance of having a viable relationship. Even if he did reciprocate your feelings, he's 40! Most likely, he'd reach the conclusion eventually that it's for the wrong reasons. Sorry, chica . . . but it's better to have a harmless crush, stay true to your friendship with his daughter, than to get into something that will cause drama and, probably, hurt you in the long run.

Answer 4

I would say that he's not allowed to go outside without 1 of his parents for the next few days. Don't spank him, he's 11!

You have to be careful at this age. It sounds like he was rebelling against you because you said no. So while the temptation is there to start saying no more often in order to show him who's boss, kids usually rebel more in that situation. He's old enough that you should be able to talk to him about this. Remeber that it's not that you're angry because he disobeyed you, it's that you were scared because you couldn't find him, and because you found him with much older boys who were doing things that are not ok for him to be doing. Tell him that it scared you, not angered you, he'll probably listen better to that.

Answer 5

My friend had a situation like this:

Her daughter pushed the limits by doing somewhat similar things and then the mother did something extremely horrible but made the child learn her lesson:

One day, my friend's husband knew a guy (he was friends with) that did not know his daughter (and vise-versa.) The daughter was out in the neighborhood lying to her parents and talking to strangers. A man came up to her and started talking to her and told her to come to her trailer (and she did.) When she came into the trailer, her parents were in there expecting her. She was then taken to the police (by her own parents) and the police explained to her the hazards. The man that lead her into the trailer was the dad's best friend from college.

I don't think you might want to ask a friend because your child might be smart enough to call the police, scream help, etc. I would take him to the police and tell them to explain to him the hazards.

Kids will always be kids but hope everything goes well!

Answer 6

Stop letting him push the limits. Set boundaries and stick to them, have consequences ready if he breaks rules, i.e. no TV, video games, telephone, outside time. Nip this behavior while you still have control. Talking isn't working, so now it is time for action. Sit down and warn him what will happen from now on if he breaks the rules and that this is his only warning. Don't say if you do that next time this will happen, don't let there be a next time. Let him know the reasons behind why you are doing this and that trust is earned and if you don't trust him he will not be allowed certain privileges. If you give children and inch they will take the whole mile!

Answer 7

That is tough. You need to put your foot down.
Now I do not know your rapport with your son, so if you have never been tough with himm-this is the time to do it.

That said, you need to "lean" into it. Example, do not be certain with him of just what his punishment is for a bit. Be clear that he has violated rules, violated(and lost) your trust. Now, while you keep him grounded, you can let him know that you are not sure what his punishment will be. He can likley imagine even stricter punishments than you.

If he is 11, I bet he has a computer, video games etc-or access to them. He should be without them-and without a clear timeline as to how long he will be without them. Otherwise he will focus on talking you out of the punishment-or mitigating it-just as he did today.
It is time to deflect the stress to him. Let him sweat for a while, wondering when he will even find out what his punishment will be. Now you are in control...hmmm....

You must though, know what the punishment will be yourself. If it is a grounding, then whatever amount of time you set-double it and figure ways to trick him into enforcing it himself-so that he does not gain a position of stressing you to keep up the punishment.

Yes, I would think about spanking if it is appropriate....it is past the point of effectiveness with my children now.If I sound manipulative, I was taught well. I was 6 ft and 180lbs by 8th grade-and my stepdad is about 5' 6" and 140.
Some of the creative punishments I got(getting written up at work for being late-due to losing my car priveledge-no they did not take me to work. That was my responsibility to get myself there.) though I was 16 then. Still, the ideas are applicable.

Do whatever it takes to keep your children safe. Whatever it takes-be a pain in the ***, be a bastard, they can hate you. If they do not occasionally hate you-then you are letting them walk all over you.

I know you prefer your son to be alive to be able to hate you.

Answer 8

Well maybe you need to let go a little bit. He is getting to the age that a bike or skateboard give a kid a total freedom to travel. What you need to do is just give him a time to be home, but let him go off and not follow him to the park. There is no excuse for lying, but tell him how much you care about him. If he knows that you do then he will care about the decisions he makes. Also, maybe be more open around him. Let him know the real deal. Kids are growing up quicker now. You are going to have to trust that your sons makes good decisions. I hope this helps.

Answer 9

I feel like there is something else going on... has his habits changed ,does he do things he didn't do before? ( aside from lying and what not) does he still play with the same kids he did before?
This one is probably the most important : Have you talked to his teachers at school, there might be something happening there and he is not telling you maybe he is getting picked on or bullied
.... you need to sit and talk not one but both of you, and maybe a therapy session or counselor, and tell him you support him and love him he might just very well have issues he doesn't know how to deal with or talk to you about

Answer 10

First you should probably explian to him why he's being punished and what he did wrong. After that I think you really should set some boundries and be REALLY strict with them. I might go to spankings even. I know it sounds cruel but that may be the only way to get thorugh to him.

Just let him now that you mean buisness and you won't let him push anything. If he breaks even the tiniest rule punish him. Untill he gets the point.