How do I deal with my mother and sister in-law ???

Question

My mother and sister in-law are 2 manipulative women. I'm the husband. We live 5 miles from their house, the sister in-law is 32, working here and there, and the mother is also working, as well as the father in-law... First problem I have with them is that them keep calling, all day long, whether my wife's at work or not, they don't care, in average about 10 times per day. Anyway, that isn't the main problem... Although the 3 of them work, which means 3 different incomes, they are always asking for money, but behind my back, and my wife being TOOOO good, almost always accepts to give them them some. They've got 1 car, and although they could get another one, they don't because they call my wife, again behind my back, to give them ride, here and there, and that could be between 7 to 10 times per week, and i'm frankly tired of it. For example, this morning, the sister called to tell her, not ask her, to bring her purse at work because she had forgotten it. So much to say. Need help pls !

Answer 1

Have you talked to your wife about this? It seems that they are making her feel as if she still has a responsibility towards them, which once you both were married, they should have stopped with. The best thing for you to do is have the conversation with the wife and making it clear that you do not appreciate how her family is taking advantage of her, and that you feel she is being manipulated with, they are all grown adults already, and should be able to manage on their own, shes the one who then needs to talk with them about how they need to stop this behaviour because all of it affects your marriage, she needs to understand that once you were married that you should be put first, and the same goes for you, she goes first then family, unless there are children involved then its them, spouse, family, it doesnt mean you mistreat them, just you have them on a higher priority. It's difficult merging two families, incomes, etc. but the best way is through good communication, and acting like an adult, do not under any circumstance insult your inlaws, or say anything passive/aggressive, it is your wife's place to only do that and set boundaries around your relationship. good luck

Answer 2

I have an in-law like that. Used to call in desperation & tell me that I had to to this or that for her. She has/d emotional problems, so at first I obliged. When we moved close to them, she began asking me to 'loan' items of food she'd run out of. (I don't drive, & it soon became obvious that she was not good at remembering to replace the items. We were simply going without so that they could have.) So, I quit loaning. I only buy enough for us, and at weekly intervals. She has a car & drives. So I simply began teelling her the truth, "No, I don't have any Xtra for you to borrow", or, "You can buy the Xtra I have, if you want." It didn't take long for such calls to stop. Does your DW know how much this upsets you? If they truly don't need the money they ask for, and your wife keeps giving it to them anyway, I suggest putting her on a budget, complete with allowance, with no forwarding of next months allowance. If she wants to give them her 'mad money', that's her choice. I know, it's very unpleasant having to be the 'bad guy'! Maybe even more so when it's the husband & his family who are the problem. I've known some who had to get a bank account that the errant spouse has no access to, to put their assets in. If the account owner dies, the moneys will go to the errant spouse, but no access in the mean time. However, before you do something that drastic, maybe you should try talking to her again, after considering the suggestions in ...

When Marital Disagreements Arise
- Assessing the Situation
- Three Steps to Defusing an Argument
- “Pay Attention to How You Listen”
- Listening and Insight
> Aim to Resolve, Not to Win
- What You Can Do Now
http://watchtower.org/library/w/2005/6/1/article_01.htm

Wholesome Communication--A Key to a Good Marriage
- What Wholesome Communication Involves
- Obstacles to Wholesome Communication
- How to Promote Wholesome Communication
http://watchtower.org/library/w/1999/7/15a/article_01.htm

There are some people who actually Don't have the capacity to realize How their actions affect other people, even when it is explained in patient detail, many times, & in many ways. This could be what you are dealing with ...

NEUROBEHAVIOUR IN ADOLESCENTS AND ADULTS
http://come-over.to/FAS/Neurobehavior.htm

Answer 3

Set all of them down at the same time and lay the law down and hold to it. You dont have to be mean about it, either. Tell them you dont mind helping them out but not every single day of the week and several times a day. let them know if and ONLY if there is an EMERGENGY( a REAL EMERGENCY) and they need some $$$$ then you dont mind helping out with the thorough understanding it will be paid back with in a reasonable time. If they get ticked off ---------SO WHAT!!! They will get over it, EVENTUALLY. Your wife is also gonna have to understand----that no one will go behind anyones back------this is a REAL GOOD WAY to make it to DIVORCE COURT.

Answer 4

Hi Stephen

First I do under stand, but it is up to your bride to put an end to it, to bring down the so called wrath-of-the-in laws upon your head will put you in to the firing line and believe me stay out of those sights. it will put you and the bride at each others throat.

You need to explain why this is a problem to your wife and ask for her input on it, you need to let your wife know that you're being made to look and feel like a second place contestant for her love and never make it a fact forcing or making her choose between you and her family, if you do - you'll loose. she needs to cut the umbilical cord between her and her family, not you.

Answer 5

You should talk to your wife and put a stop to this insane mess. They are taking advantage of you. Go to them and tell them that charity begins at home, and they need to start doing for themselves. With some people, the nicer you are to them, the more they abuse you.

Answer 6

Tell your wife if she keeps giving them money they'll have you and her in the poor house for sure. Imagine what it would be like if she had to go live with them aftr they break her financially. She might as well plan on keeping her job to support them.

Answer 7

You need to talk to your wife, and make her stop LETTING them take advantage!
She needs to learn to say no, and they need to be shown that she MEANS it.
Good luck--any way it turns out, you will be seen as the bad guy!

Answer 8

They doing that on purpose to make you and your wife spend less time together I think you should do something

Answer 9

Tell them to "Back off!"