After 47 yrs of marriage, a marriage, where my mum was very selfish, had affairs, and treated us kids badly, she has now left my dad, run off to spain, with another man. I am doing EVERYTHING i can to help him. He has been left alone, aged 69 yrs, has to sell his home, the lot, cause she is claiming her half of all finances. It is so difficult for all of us, but for the first time tonight, he said, he has nothing to live for now, feels like ending it all. I know he loves me, and his grandkids, but he is not coping at all, with what my mother (if you can call her that) has done. I live away from him, 60 miles, have my own family, i am getting so stressed with worry about him. Should i just keep in touch, all the time, or what? I begged him to see a doctor, but he won`t.
2006-12-23 06:23:32 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have offered for him to live with us, he declined, i have gone down every avenue, to no avail.
2006-12-23 06:33:07 · update #1
I can understand how worried you are. You need to visit him and speak to him face to face calmy with a nice cup of tea(or something stonger?).
You need to say how worried you and all his familiy are and that you want to do whatever you can to help. Tell him how important he is to you, your broth/sisters, grandkids etc and how they would feel if you dad did something like kill himself(go into detail make him feel valued and needed).
It strikes me that this is a really positve thing that has happened to him, his awful wife has done all of you a favour and fu*ked off to Spain. This means you Dad has the chance to finally be happy. He could well meet a nice lady and fall in love(try setting him up later down the line).
You should definatly persuade him to move closer to you, better still get him to live with you for a while so he can get back on his feet. That way you can give him the support he needs from you, something you just can't do living 60 miles away. When he moves you should get him to join a local community club for people his age or do a hooby likes bowls etc.
If you can't get him to move near you, maybe consider moving near to him? If not you do need to ring him every evening and visit him regularly. You need to give him a new interest in life to take his mind off things, like a club/group in his own area where he can enjoy himslf and socialise, make sure he has a good network of friends.
Its quite crazy that you Dad feels this way, this really is a blessing in disguise. Your Dad can find a new lease in life, maybe a nice woman, hobbys, friends the world is his oyster. And I'm sure you will enjoy a better relationship with you Father, I'm sure the way your Mother treated you must have made you not want to visit them much? Maybe thats why you live so far away now?
Whatever you do, dont let your Mum come crawling back!
I wish you the best of luck and what better time than the new year for you Dad to start again! I hope you and your family enjoy Christmas day together.
2006-12-23 07:07:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your father is devistated that your "mother" would just up and leave him and take everything. it seems as though he feels less of a man or something along those lines and he is experiencing a bit of depression. Im not sure exactly on what will help and what wont but i know for your sake is that you need to keep contact with him a lot. What he needs most is not to be alone because thats when he sits there and thinks about what your mother has done to him and his family. Maybe get a big get together with the family so that he is surrounds by people that love and care about him just to get the worries and troubles out of him mind for a few. he definitely needs love and support. It is a difficult time for him. More than likely the more he is stressed and depressed the more you are going to stress even more. invite him to your place (if able) for a weekend and plan things so you are doing something almost all the time so he doesn't have time to sit and think about all those nasty things that your mother did to him. Show him that there is a wonderful life out there and that he belongs in it! I hope this helps i wish you and your family the best of luck.
2006-12-23 06:32:22 · answer #2 · answered by ♥ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is very hard for any person male or female. He is severely depressed. He needs to get help before he does commit suicide. My mother left my father after they had been together over 30 years and 6 weeks later he killed himself. He was very depressed and didnt get help. This is a touchy situation. Keep asking him to move in with you, also, be there for him. This is an extremely hard time of year anyways and that doesnt help.Remind him that he is still young and will find someone a lot better than her. Remind him that he has a lot to live for and what it would do to you and his grandkids if he wasnt around. Also, you may talk to some friends of his and make sure he stays busy, the busier a person is the less time they have to think of everything.
2006-12-23 06:46:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you have kids? Offer him a win-win situation. Tell him you need all of the help you can get around the house and with the kids if you have them. Tell him he needs a place to stay and you want him where he will be loved. If you DON'T have any viable excuse for needing help maybe you can say you need financial help and see if he gets a part time small job somewhere and he can pay an electric bill. I know you don't want your dad to have to pay but if it makes him feel better about moving in then so be it.
2006-12-23 07:00:08 · answer #4 · answered by momofthreemiracles 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a horrid woman...know that she will pay a price in hell for what she's done.
You're poor father. He should have left her long ago.
I don't think you can do anything about it. He has been whipped by this woman his whole life long and if he stuck with her for almost 50 years nothing will change his feelings for her.
He obviously loved her with every ounce of his being and is a victim of her abuse.
I have known people who have literally died within months of their spouses passing way or leaving because they simply died of heartbreak.
I wish there was something you could do. You would have to take him to be with you. Being so far away you can't really do much for him. Just pray and tell him you love him and respect him for honoring his vows to her even though she never deserved his love. Tell him he is the greatest man that ever lived in your eyes...so he will know that his staying with her was not in vain. Nothing will ease his pain I'm afraid, but knowing you are proud of him will maybe make him feel like he did something right in his life. I'm sure that he stayed with her for the sake of you too...and maybe he thought in her old age she would finally settle and be happy with him. It's time for him to make his peace with his life...you can't will a person to live when they want to just die...but you can try and you should try. I would let him know that YOU need him...but you have to be willing to make every sacrifice too. If you just can't, then just know you did your best no matter what happens in the long run. You can't make him come to you if he won't so don't blame yourself.
2006-12-23 06:28:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should move him in with you so he won't be alone. Also, try to do some activities with him and your family like bowling to keep his mind of bad things and to interact with his family. Also, you can try to find a companion for him if you think the time is right. It's very hard for him to automatically detach himself from a person he's been with since he was 22 years old that's more than half his life but you and your family have to show him all the great things he accomplished like creating your family.
2006-12-23 06:34:52 · answer #6 · answered by browncutie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would think the best place to start is the pastor of a local church. This would at least be a start. But it does sound like your Dad put up with far more than he should have in the marriage. It sounds like something in the codependency category for which therapy is definitely needed. In the meantime, as much family visits as possible until his head gets back on straight.
2006-12-23 06:33:50 · answer #7 · answered by Don S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take 2 or 3 days free from work and spend with him some days. Take and your kids there. Try to spend this days together to show him that there are a lot of good things in life (like his grand kids). If you can't get free from work for a couple of days, then go there in a week-end, or invite him at your home (this would be excellent). And for your worry, go with your father to a doctor, don't send him alone there, just go together. Hope i was a bit helpfully.
2006-12-23 06:32:53 · answer #8 · answered by Alex 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take him to a lawyer. Her infidelity will hurt her case in the divorce settlement, and he may not have to sell the house or give her half of everything.
He is very depressed, so stay in close touch and find ways to let him know life is worth living. Get him involved in some kind of community activity, maybe a senior center. He may discover that there are many who are worse off than him.
2006-12-23 06:30:29 · answer #9 · answered by AnnieD 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should seek proffesional opinions of a Psychiatrist or Psychologist in regards to getting your father help.
He may feel abandoned , try calling him every night to see how he's getting on or get some of his buddies to come round to cheer him up.
Maybe a real proffesional would be better help than I am so call there as I could not be sure if my advice would help or even make matters worse.
I hope your dad becomes his old self soon!
Yours Faithfully
2006-12-23 06:29:50 · answer #10 · answered by Icehockey Fan 99 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋