My brothers wife has a daughter who lives with her dad about 1 1/2 hrs. away. My brothers wife had custody of this child when he met her, but she and her ex never got legal documents saying who had custody, and the dad ended up going and filing first, so a judge gave the girl to him. My sister n law had a difficult life growing up, dealing with being molested, neglected, having a druggy mother, and a father who wasn't around. About 1 1/2 yrs. after she married my brother, she had severe depression and tried to commit suicide. She has since undergone phyciatric treatment and medication and is considered stable. But her ex used this to get a judge to take away her visitation rights, and now she only sees this child every other weekend for 3 hours supervised. I only see this kid about 2-3 times a year, but my sister n law gets really upset if we don't all act like she is our blood kin. When I tell people how many nieces I have she wants me to include her kid. I hardly know this kid.
2006-12-23 02:52:17 · 12 answers · asked by LittleMermaid 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
It isn't that I don't like this kid, but I really don't consider her my niece. It would be different if she lived with my brother and his wife, but when I only see her like 2-3 times a year, I don't have a bond with her.
2006-12-23 02:54:16 · update #1
Maybe I should have given more details and I wouldn't have come across like I didn't like this girl. She is being raised to treat her stepmother as her mom. My sister n law is just some woman she goes to see every other weekend. I am not mean to this child. I hug her when I see her, and I do buy her gifts on christmas and her birthday. My mother also feels the way I do, AND NO SHE IS NOT A HATEFUL WOMAN. In fact everyone in our family feels this way.
2006-12-23 03:05:47 · update #2
It's hard not to judge people, I know. But in your heart of hearts you know the answer to this question. A child, no matter who that child belongs to, needs rearing and guidance and love. Even if you see that child only once in a blue moon, you may be the only positive influence in that childs life. Give yourself a chance to know them, even if briefly, because when you help someone it really does make your heart grow fonder. And maybe just maybe that child will remember you and take that love with them, carry it on, making their lives a bit easier. Seems to me that child has had allot of ups and downs too, so be the one who makes unconditional love a common factor in all your relationships.
I think you have the answer, in your heart, but sometimes we find it hard to accept it when we just can't understand the actions of others. Just understand your own actions, forget others, and you will make that child amazingly happy every time you see her.
Merry Christmas..
2006-12-23 02:58:31 · answer #1 · answered by accountrep2001 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
treat her with respect like you would any other person, and try to get to know her a little better. I'm sure *she's* miserable and feels out of place anyway. Write letters to her, let her get to know you. What does it hurt to add one more niece to the equation? If anyone asks or cares, you can simply say you don't have the opportunity to see her often.
How do you treat your other nieces? How do you treat her differently? I guess you'd hug the first and just nonchalantly say hi to the second? You don't *have* to treat her any certain way, but it would be the kind and compassionate thing to do. Gosh, if you think it's bad enough having a sister-in-law with all those problems, imagine if it's your mom?!
I also imagine that your SIL feels judged and out of place at family gatherings (even if you are NOT meaning to, she probably feels guilty, and etc). So the slights to her daughter are especially painful, because it's another guilt that she takes upon herself, on top of all the guilt for the troubles she's caused and for losing her daughter. It would be a kindness to extend a loving hand to your SIL and maybe take her out for lunch every once in a while.
2006-12-23 07:40:18 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sounds like you are in a hard situation. I would say that your sister-in-law is just trying to hold on to the fact that she is still the girl's mother. And, since the ex is trying to cut her out, she probably wants the family to acknowledge the girl so that she feels like she is still considered the mom and therefore the girl as part of the family. Even though you don't feel that bond, and no one can blame you for not bonding with her, for your sister-in-law's sake I would just include her in the count of neices and nephews.
Hope everything works out for your family.
2006-12-23 03:24:48 · answer #3 · answered by T&M's Mom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've met my brother in law's kids 4 times; I always include them with christmas gifts and things like that. My sister in law signed all rights away to her ex, so I've never met her son. When people ask me how many nieces and nephews I have, I say 7 nieces and 1 nephew. Neither are my sister in law's kids. I don't know why I do it but that's what I say.
2006-12-23 02:55:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard not to be a little bit cruel when you see so much stupidity. You can not live someones life for them, you can not, especially a so called adult. your sister-in-law has made her bed, sounds like many times, now she needs to deal with it whether she wants to or not. You need to stop bailing her out and making excuses for her. excuses are like butt wholes everyone has one. if you want to take the kid make sure it is done in court so she can not come back later and say whatever she might come up with. Stop feeling sorry for her, why are you after such a long time? Please do not use the family excuse. You all sound codependent and need to make the break for good. Tell her to get help as you will not longer bail her out of what ever crap she has gotten herself into. Do not call her, go by, or anything else. she does not deserve people who are so nice to her for so bloody long.
2016-05-23 01:44:10 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Blood isn't what makes a family. It really has little to do with it. I'm adopted by my father, yet he is my real father. I didn't give birth to my son, but he is my real son.
So I have a different perspective on what a family really is.
What it comes down to is how you feel about her and how she feels about you. If you don't feel like she's your niece, then that's how you define your family.
BUT what is more important is how she feels about you. She is a child, and if she feels that she is your niece, then I really think you need to honor that. Especially since she's having a rough time. She needs all the loving family she can get.
2006-12-23 02:58:26 · answer #6 · answered by Jen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
But she is your niece. It's about helping that child feel loved, not the politics of your family. Rise above it all and be the one in your family that lets her know she is loved by all sides of her family, not just the ones she sees every day.
2006-12-23 02:55:52 · answer #7 · answered by Jilli Bean 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you don't really like your brother's choice in a wife and it is manifesting its self in your manner towards her child.
if you only see this kid 2 or 3 times a year, just be the grownup and play nice. It's not the child's fault you don't like her. It's yours.
2006-12-23 02:58:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why do you keep referring to this poor girl as "this kid"? Hasn't the girl (not to mention her mother) been though enough without you adding more difficulty? What's the big deal? You sound like a selfish, self centered jackass.
2006-12-23 02:57:59 · answer #9 · answered by INDRAG? 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would treat her as my neice and treat all of the children the same.
2006-12-23 02:56:40 · answer #10 · answered by Urchin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋