I am a gay man who had recently left a relationship of 8 years. There was no abuse but there were basic foundational differences (I'm out, he's not; I want to live together, he does not; religious differences, i needed to build community/ meet gay friends; etc...). After 6 weeks away from him I still feel like I'm dying... I miss him terribly, can't sleep or eat, but vowed not to go back. He's now contacted me and shown that without me around he's found the value of these things: he's come out to some friends, started to build community, and wants me to move into his home. I want to trust that he's done these things for himself, not me, and really believes in them. I also want to trust that I don't want him back out of jealousy over his new friends, etc... but I can't seem to get any clear thoughts. Help?!
2006-12-23 01:16:50 · 17 answers · asked by tomi27410 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
8 years is a really long time to be with someone. You've invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and I think it deserves a second chance. If he really is making these improvements in his life, then he needs you there to help him along the way for emotional support. It doesn't sound like you're jealous, it sounds like you still love him!
And of course he's found the value of those things - he lost you! I think this shows that he loves you and will do what it takes to get you back. I also believe coming out will be a huge weight lifted off his chest and he'll thank you for it.
I wish you the best and I hope you two can work things out. 8 years is so long to invest and then loose. Good luck sweetie.
And by the way 'Joe C' - it doesn't say "heterosexual singles and dating." Obviously there were interested parties if he recieved answers. Biggot.
2006-12-23 01:23:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Please DONT wait for clear thoughts # 1------ You are thinking positively; after six weeks of silence he contacted you and have demonstrated the value in your absence and YOU does what any self caring, self loved, self respected person would do ASK YOURSELF(thumb's up)....can I trust this is what he want for himself; will he be comfortable with himself in making these decision and the major WHY question "Why do I want him back". Hello!!!!!
Continue taking timeout for self and asking self Why? the need for you to build community/meet gay friends" and/or Why? the two of you could not agree when the two of you were together......why the relationship did not consist of all element of the play ground.... why just the 'see saw (I'm out, he's not; I want to live together, he does not) not the swing 'take turns pushing one another? Then ask yourself Why ask Why. Draw the line; mark the check and move on with the understanding of knowing we don't decide whether to give our relationship a second chance, relationships are decided by chance. Get peace within; don't waste a life time in the middle.
Remember your mind will take you anywhere you want to go, be anybody you want to be as well as tolerate anything you want to tolerate. Set your mind of being free and you will indeed be set free...
Good Luck, Happy Holidays
2006-12-23 02:24:29 · answer #2 · answered by midavasha 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you really love him, give the relationship a second chance. But first, sit down and write a list of the pros and cons of this. Try to look at him, good and bad, and see if he is who you really want or if you are just afraid of being alone and miss the familiarity of the relationship.
You are right to be wary about him making these changes. Only time will tell if he has truly changed or if he is only acting to get you back. If you choose to go back, take it slow and set some clear limits about your expectations. If you want to live together, set a time frame for that to happen. If it doesn't happen and he is still noncommittal, it may be time to move on and find what you need.
2006-12-23 01:22:30 · answer #3 · answered by schweetums 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well did you talk to him about this? the main key is to talk, i know you will and do miss him it took you 8 years to get where you are at! the feeling will not go away in a few days!!! it will take time but with all that he has done it sounds like he has done it all for and it shows that he does love you and he is willing to make things work for the both of you so the ball is in ur court! beside you missing him how do you feel are u ok with out him or you want him by your side and spend the rest of you life with him?? and if feel that you can trust him than i would say go for it and give him another chance!!!GOOD LUCK and i hope this helped!!
2006-12-23 01:28:41 · answer #4 · answered by hellokitty_19_2002 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As with any relationship on a similar path (Gay or not) the emotional side of things has tremendous effects on us. It would appear that your partner of 8 years is trying. Perhaps you may consider, re-dating for 6 months (with out moving in to his house) to see if he is in fact trying to change/improve for the better, or it's simply experimental. I would say (this coming from a straight guy :-), give him the opportunity to accept and become comfortable with his new "outness") while continuing to date. If you've been together this long what is another 6 months to see if the move in to his home is worth it on your part?
2006-12-23 01:26:30 · answer #5 · answered by eae1965 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give it a chance, 8 years is a long time and since there were only differences and not abuse, I say give it another chance. Every relationship has differences, both people have to work at the relationship in order for it to work. So, get back with him, move in with him and be happy with him.......Good luck...
2006-12-23 01:21:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
One of the scariest things out there is finding what it was you were looking for and that sentiment works both ways. He might have changed who he is because you helped him see the fear that he had to get over. 8yr relationships dont just happen overnight and neither should you throw them away like that.
Why not talk to him and see if what he says is genuine? Worst thing that can happen is that you see that you cannot date him anymore and you either move on or become friends :)
Good luck though.. i really hope you find that happiness.
2006-12-23 01:21:41 · answer #7 · answered by Prof. Timpo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
since you are still confused, I would give him a second chance, but start slowly. Like dating but do not move in with him yet! The most important thing is that he is being honest with himself and is not ashamed of being who he is! You should be happy about this! You may have helped him come to this conclusion so be happy for him and yourself! you'll figure things out...just enjoy your relationship and everything will come together just fine!
2006-12-23 01:24:08 · answer #8 · answered by September Sweetie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well it sounds like you guys just seperated because you ahd different interests. Well run with these changes. Try to go back out with him. I wouldnt move in right away so that way you know hes just not saying that he is becomnig like this. Instead date casually until you see if this is way that you wanted him to be. See if he is happy for himself. If he is then move in together. Just take things slow at first though.
2006-12-23 01:22:26 · answer #9 · answered by Jamie G 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best you can do is talk to him and tell him exactly what you just said in your email. Discuss things over with him and try to find a solution that fits you both.
2006-12-23 01:23:20 · answer #10 · answered by Maria wants no hassle 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋