Why do the husbands/boyfriends of rape victims act like their feelings should be taken into consideration?

Question

Isn't their job to try to make it better any way they know how?My best friend was raped and after she told her boyfriend he wanted to talk about it to help him deal and she didn't.Why should she care about how he feels?She's the victim.

Answer 1

While the event didnt happen to the boyfriend/ husband... they still have to live with the aftermath and not knowing how to deal with it. Sometimes it's hard to realize that within a close relationship, a rape does result in two victims.

In a close, but not the same event, my wife had a rough birth experience with the birth of our son. Even though it didnt happen to me, to some degree I experienced everything she went through, and felt helpless as I could not take on any of the pain or stress. Both of us experienced the event, just from differing perspectives.

Answer 2

I am the boyfriend of a rape victim. My girlfriend was beaten & viciously attacked by a cab driver who was driving her home after she had to much to drink. She has very little recollection of the incident because she felt as if she was drugged. This has been extremely hard for me to accept because she has almost no story. The detective on the case said the man was video taped by the ATM machine with her card in his hand & took out the max amount also. The cabby called her friend from her phone telling her friend ''she's out cold & I don't know where to drop her off''? she reported the crime the next morning & took pictures of her bruises & black eye. Its been 4 months since the attack & we feel even with the evidence on her body & the ATM photo we will never get justice. Our relationship has suffered severely & im about to move out & give up because of all the trauma this has caused. I don't know what to do im so angry & upset. Just remember that rape effects more than just the victim it has effected both of our family's greatly.

Answer 3

Wow, how selfish.

No matter the situation, no one ever has the right to completely forget the feelings of others. Your friend needs to be the center of most people's consideration, but that doesn't give her the right to disregard the feelings of others. She has been violated, but if he and her are to have a future together, she needs to recognize that they will become one, which means he has been violated also. Whatever happens to one, happens to both.

Also, consider, he needs to know that this really wasn't her idea and that she really wasn't in okay with it. Rape has been very loosely defined in our culture. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I've know a few girls who practically drug guys home, and decided it was rape the next day. I obviously don't know the situation, and I don't need to, but the boyfriend does. How did this come about? Was she alone at a party, dancing with all the guys, getting drunk, wearing a tube top, a skirt, and nothing undernieth "just in case"? Or was she walking down the street in a thick coat looking like an eskimo? How did the guy come into the picture? Did he slide onto the dance floor, buy her some drinks, and then start to protest when she was dragging him away? Or did he jump out of the shaddows and hold a knife to her throat? Did they get back to his place and (after a night of teasing him) she said, "Wait, I'm not ready?" or did he drag her into the ally and cover her mouth so she couldn't screem? I don't need to know, but the boyfriend does. Can you see how much of a diffrence that would make?

Answer 4

Well even though this is a VERY sensitive question, I'll give you my opinion on this. First of all, My opinion comes from an actual experience with someone close to me and secondly, As a Lt. Firefighter/ paramedic, I've attended several traumatic psychology seminars to learn how to handle rape victims. The last thing a woman wants after being raped is a man touching her, trying to treat and stabilize her pre hospital. Now, Here's something that most women don't recognize, when a man Love's his woman beyond words, he is just as traumatized as she is. You would be surprised how many men think that the rape is their fault or he failed in the responsibility of protecting her ans it eats at him. when a rape happens, it is without a doubt, the most traumatic experience two people can go through and it takes BOTH people involved to help each other understand and try to pick up the pieces and move on which takes a long time, sometimes for ever. Professional councling for her and them is a must. Rape has ruined many relationships due to the lack of understanding of what happened.A man needs to not only be there for his woman but needs to be completely understanding of what happen to her and most men don't. Not out of lack of carring but the lack of knowlage and in return, he ends up hurting her more. She's looking for and needind a very certain type of understanding and he don't know what it is. This is where councling comes into play for him as well as a more serious issue, the man often feels so violated that he can latch out at her, thinking she's at falut because he doesn't know where to put his hurt for her, not him.I could go on and clearify this but I think you get the jest of what I'm saying. Bottom line, Usually the man in this issue feels like it is his fault and without profesional help, direct his hurt and anger in the wrong direction. Both people in a rape case needs to talk, talk, talk to help each other.

Answer 5

A relationship means exactly that - two people in relation to each other. Whatever happens to one should impact on the other too, and if it doesn't then there isn't much going on between them, is there?
It would be a mistake to say that a boyfriend's feelings should be taken on an equal footing with those of the victim, but neither should they be entirely dismissed. Proprtion and sensitivity are needed.
A husband's feelings likewise are not to be taken as of equal gravity with those of his wife-victim, but ought to be considered very seriously nevertheless: either the two have become one or they have not.
In a rape situation there are many victims - family, friends, children parents and above all the one sexually violated him/herself. In requires support from the family and also for the family.

Answer 6

Because it does affect them. Some women become withdrawn and unable to remain in the relationship, possibly unable to have sex. Men and women need sex in a relationship and so if this happens, it affects the husband/bf. It is not that he is being selfish, it's that he has needs too and he has no way to fix the situation and make things back to the way they were before the rape. Rape is so ugly and horrific for the woman that he may have no idea how to help her. Also, he may want to know the details so he can try to understand.

Answer 7

He may be feeling betrayed or hurt/disrespected, because another person did not have the decency to keep hands off of his girlfriend. It could just be that he is feeling as if it did not matter to the rapist that he (the boyfriend) even existed. Maybe he feels as though he is not a good boyfriend, because he could not stop his girlfriend from being rape. It can be a whole number of psychological things. He's a guy, but they can get emotional or crazy stuff, too.

Answer 8

Didn't you just ask this? Anyway . . . she should not be oblivious to how the man feels. She is the victim, but he probably feels bad about it too -- especially if she's acting all cold and aloof. She should not ignore his feelings in any case. Isn't that the job of a husband/bf or wife/gf? To make their partner feel better and comfort them in times of need? Good luck!

Answer 9

Because if you are in a relationship. Both people are affected by this traumatic event. If he is a boyfriend/husband, he has been traumatized by that fact that she has been traumatized. He may not know what to say or what he should or should not do at this time. He may not have a clue what to do to make her feel safe, and this can be a really powerful emotion for him. Talk to him about what you are feeling. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 10

Yes, she is hte victim, however it sounds like he wants assist as she gets her life back together. Rape is a criminal act, not a sexual one. YOU sound rather immature in attemting to deal iwth the issue.