Hope these make ya laugh-Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard' A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'. I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'. I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died. My wife has stood by me for 10 years-she had to- we only have one chair.
2006-12-22 23:21:24 · 23 answers · asked by Lazarus 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
I went to the doc, I said doc "theres a a strawberry growing out of my head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
-My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
-I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.
-I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
-I hurt my arm. I went to the Doctors to get it mended. After, I asked the Doctor if when its mended could I play the piano? he said yes. I said, 'That's funny I couldn't play it before.'
-I got on a train the other day and sat next to a young woman reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?' I asked. 'Fascinating. American Indians have the widest manhood and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi', I replied, 'I'm Tonto Polanski.'
2006-12-24 00:39:29 · update #1
I loved your jokes! Thanks! Here's some for you!
Why is Santa always jolly?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
Cause he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimmney!
2006-12-22 23:25:21 · answer #1 · answered by Nicky 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
2006-12-22 23:33:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
2006-12-23 00:03:47 · answer #3 · answered by maggie may 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actually, I think real life funnies are way better then made up jokes. So, here 's a real life funny for you....
My husband was driving down the road with me sitting next to him. The sky was very dark and it looked like we were in for a doozy of a storm. My husband turned to me and said, "Gee, if it wasn't so cloudy it would be sunny." (Can't argue with that.)
2006-12-22 23:32:53 · answer #4 · answered by tas211 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I forget her call. lol yet she replaced into my english and she or he replaced into particularly old. she replaced into additionally particularly advise to anybody different than me. ok she replaced into kinda advise to me too. she definitely got here as much as me on the 1st day and asked if i had any pals. she didnt supply me a stable mark the two at college, so thats no longer the reason i like her the two. yet for some reason she understood me and how i felt. on the time i in no way seen her as my prominent instructor yet now i do. i do no longer think of every person else enjoyed her. lol
2016-12-15 06:43:17 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A horse goes into a bar an orders a beer. The bartender gives him a draft and asks, "So- why the long face?"
2006-12-22 23:27:43 · answer #6 · answered by R J 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nice, LOL. Shame about the ploughman.
PS I was one of those fat blokes
2006-12-22 23:25:40 · answer #7 · answered by lulu 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Those are pretty funny! I especially enjoyed the first one and the one about the guide dog...
2006-12-22 23:25:53 · answer #8 · answered by Funky Little Spacegirl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very good.( here's a grumpy santa one)
A liitle boy asks santa why after putting a fire truck on his list every year he hasn't recieved one.
Santa replies "how about I set fire to your house and then you''ll have as many fire trucks as you want."
2006-12-23 01:14:48 · answer #9 · answered by Cowboy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
LOL. I enjoyed reading your Jokes. LOL.
Thanks for the laughs, and have a great day!
2006-12-28 00:48:26 · answer #10 · answered by jfmm 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋