Should i forgive my mother?

Question

My mother has never really been close to us kids. You'd think that being a single mother would make us a really close family, but it hasn't. I've allways felt let down throughout my life by my mum.
It's my twenty first birthday next month and i'm having a big family and friends dinner to celebrate, and my mother told me she isn't coming because she was booked to do a band job that weekend.
This was just the final straw for my mother. Now i'm so upset with her i don't even want to see her for christmas.
This morning i was told that she might be able to come for a few hours, now i'm torn. Do i forgive her and welcome her to my birthday or do i hold my ground and let her know how hurt i am?
The hardest thing is she doesn't even know that i'm upset or that i feel like she constantly lets me down. What do i do?

Answer 1

Thats a hard decision to make because in reality, that is your mother. Maybe you could try talking to her. You should forgive her when you are ready. You never know what is on her mind. I was like that with my mom to growing up and I realized that she did all that she knew how to do. We don't come with instructions, but that does not excuse the fact that you are hurt. Just because you forgive a person doesnt mean that you have to be buddy-buddy with them. When you are ready, you may come around. If not, its her loss, not yours.

Answer 2

I think at age 21 you can be honest with your mother. Don't over-explain but be truthful.

One day she will be gone and I can promise you one thing. If you don't forgive her you will regret it regardless of how she treated you. She is your mom and that can't change. A few hours is better than nothing. Don't tell her she hurt you, tell her that you love her and you don't understand her actions. The word HURT will always cause problems.

My 14 year old daughter will have hardly anything to do with me. Not my fault. She constantly does things that hurt me. I continue to forgive her and pray that she will change. If she does that's great. If she doesn't she will realize one day how I reacted and she might pattern her life after what I did. So will your mom.

I know the pain and disappointment this causes you but you must never give up. If you give up, what advice do you give your kids if and when you have them during their times of trouble, for they will surely come. Let this make you stronger not weaker

Rise above what most people do and forgive her. She is your Mother. Good luck and I hope this helped.

Answer 3

Sometimes we get so wrapped up into our anger that we can't see pass what we want. I understand your mum being a single parent, and that you all should have been a close knit family. You said that your mum doesn't know how you are feeling. How is she suppose to know if you don't express it to her. Understand you mum has feeling as well. Life probably was hard for her as well being the single parent with the kids. Life is to precious to walk around mad and upset, talk with your mum calmly and be understanding to what she has to say as well. You might just figure it out together. Be easy on your mum, forgive her and talk. Good luck and happy birthday

Answer 4

Forgive. Look at what you said about your mother. Realize her personality type and understand that she is not at all like you. Don't view people through what you would do in their situation because not all people are alike. I know that mom's should be loving and caring but they don't all have it in them. Don't take it personal, it is not about you but about who she is. Just love her they way you want to be loved. Accept her for who she is. She has done the best she could with the resources she had. Let it go and enjoy your time together and know that when you have kids you can do it differently. Learn from it by building abridge, not a ditch. Best wishes and have a terrific birthday with those who do show up. Enjoy the moment for who is there, not for who isn't.. that would be a joy stealer.

Answer 5

Happy 21st Birthday! Forgive her, one day she wont be here anymore. And if you spend your life being angry with her wasting your time and energy. You will regret it, she will not be here to say you are sorry. She was a single mom, and I am sure she did the best she could. Give her a break, there is no book on how to raise children, it is done by trial and error. Be grateful she did not walk out and leave you alone or with a family member to raise. Give her a break. And perhaps after everything has settled down sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 6

This is hard. I have a Father who was never there for me other than to physically and emotionally abuse me growing up and I am still having difficulty trying to make peace with it. He, too, never attended my wedding. Instead he went on vacation with his lady friend.

Ask your Mom if she booked the gig on purpose or if she needs the money that bad that she booked it on your birthday. If you feel that bad about the fact that she did this, then changed her mind (ask her what made her change her mind) then I would just have a good time without her and hopefully, someday in the future, you will be able to forgive her. Best of luck and Happy Birthday!

Answer 7

are u for real?? this is your mother she gave u life.. let me tell something my mother abused and neglected me all my life called me worthless and ugly and ya know what i forgave her i love my mom she may be a bad mother but she is my mother and ill never have another she even went so far as to take my oldest 4 kids from me just to hurt me knowing i wouldn't get them back as i was poor and just got dumped at the time but again i forgive her u really need to count your chickens before its too late I'm sorry but u have no reason o not forgive her if i can after all the pain and heartache and everything my mother put me Thru then u my dear would be a awful person not to besides remember the bible though shalt honour thy mother and father, head those words cuz when they die and u no longer can let them know u will feel awful and it will be too late u cannot reach out to the dead to tell Them u are sorry or u forgive them so yes forgive her or frankly get over yourself u had it easy stop whining and grow up all ready

Answer 8

My mother deserted me when I was 5. I was raised by the state and a bunch of basically well-meaning but uncaring foster people. I worked hard, got accepted to a big school on an academic scholarship, and before leaving was the valedictorian of my high school class.

The local paper in the Northwest put my photo in the local section with a brief story. She happened to live in that city (!!!), called the school, and said she wanted to talk to me on grad night. I met her at the stadium fence where we graduated - me on one side, her on the other. She asked - why didn't you try and find me? I told her to go straight to HELL and never speak to me again.

My point? Just because a woman can fertilize an egg doesn't mean she'll be a good mother. Forget her, find a mentor, and move on.

Answer 9

You need to forgive her. Maybe she needs the money to buy you a gift or even pay her rent. You need to lower your expectations. You also need to express your feelings to her more. She can't read your mind. You are expect her to know things that she could not possibly know. Keep in mind that when you invite someone to do something, it is just that, and invitation, not a command. You are acting really spoiled. You are an adult now. It is time act more like one. Ten years from now, you will barely even remember your 21st birthday. She has raised you guys alone. Maybe she needs some time to herself.

Answer 10

I've travelled this road for many years. My mother was a prescription pill addict for 30 years and was psychotic. I had heard of a method for forgiving someone.

At first, I was highly resistant. I was told that I didn't have to "want" to do it, but had to do it for my own peace of mind and inner harmony. On that basis, I tried it.

Each night, before I went to sleep, I prayed this prayer for my mother. In the beginning, I didn't mean it. "Dear God, please give my Mother everything she wants and needs." Over a few weeks I was told to add "And give her everything I want and need". Over I few months, I added certain specifics such as "please give her peace of mind". Later I added more "please lift the obsession of the pills and bring peace to her heart". Still later, I added more and more and I began to understand the circumstances of her childhood years (the depression).

This process took 3 years. In that time, I fell in love with my Mother all over again. I also found forgiveness for myself for constantly disappointing her and realized that I had done nothing wrong - it was her illness that led to that feeling in me. I learned to take the good things that she offered to let the shitty stuff roll off my back. Is this permanent? NO. Many, many times I would have to return to my prayer and shortly I would return to peace within.

Mother is gone now and I had to care for her the last 2 years of her life. Had she changed? Not a damn bit. But I was able to love her, change her, feed her, and try to diminish her delusions with a heart full of love and forgiveness. When she died, I was at peace because I knew I had taken care of my side of the street and we had no unresolved issues between us. Good luck to you.