How can I convince my girlfriend that I have no intention of leaving her?

Question

I'm in a relationship for 4 years. Lived together for 3. We've been through a lot (illness, job loss, no money, etc) but overcame it all. My girlfriend is constantly afraid that I am going to leave her because she's broke, or gained weight, or thinks she isn't as fun as she used to be, or says she is a failure because she doesnt have money to finish college. I constantly tell her no, but she will ball on a regular basis because she puts thoughts in her head. I don't do anything to give her these thoughts. I try to help if anything. I try to help her with her financially, school stuff, I try to eat healthy myself and go to the gym in attempt to get her to do the same. I've literally taken care of and supported her for 3 years. I try to convince her to go out and hang out with her friends and just have fun, but she won't. Her self esteem is pitifully low. Its frustrating. By not wanting to push me away, she pushes me away. I have no intention of going anywhere, but I need help

Answer 1

it sounds like what she's saying (her fears about you) are really just her fears about herself. they don't come from anything you do but from her own insecurities and fears about herself. she is afraid that she is heavy, poor, and stupid, and just feeling low in general - so her self esteem issues cause her to lose accurate perception of the world.

you cant change her mind, because you cant really just stick your hand into her brain and pull the right buttons to change her mind and her self esteem. but what you can do, and the best you can do, is to just give her your love and resassurance, and if you love her, be there to support her. and be strong and realize that what she's going through isn't about you, it's about her, and her own disappointments about herself.

she sounds like she is very low on hope in her life... this may be a reflection of her self-confidence. she feels so low that she has no hope and has no trust in her own abilities. having no faith in herself, she thinks that everything else in her life will fall apart tooo... but this is a reflection of her inner ideas, not reality. her warped self-esteem causes a warped self-image. she fears what she is most afraid of, because losing you would probably be the worst thing to top all of it off. she's just going through a lot and needs you there to support her through thick and thin.

Answer 2

Poor girl... it sounds like she has had some bad things happen to her in the past and is still living in it. She needs to see a therapist or some sort of professional for help with her low self esteem. I don't think there is anything you personally can do for her accept make her take responsibility for her behavior and see the professional. I admire you for sticking by her side even under not the best of circumstances. I'm sure with the right help you two will make it through this... good luck!

Answer 3

It sounds like your trying to be her knight in shining armor when what she really needs is to be able to stand on her own two feet. The truth is you can't help her. She needs to try to help herself. Maybe that will take counseling or prayer or both. But, she needs to do it. Only she can do it.

The best thing you can do is to stop trying because you are actually feeding her self-pity by acknowleding it. Instead, you take care of yourself, be nice but not overly accommodating, and let her face her own reality. She doesn't need more support. She needs more space to face and deal with her own fears.

She is actually manipulating you into taking care of her despite the fact that she isn't taking care of herself. She may not be doing it purposefully but, she doing it all the same. The question is, "Is this the type of relationship you want in your future?"

That's the problem with living with people. You get trapped into something that dating would have eventually revealed without the commitment, obligation, or pain of dealing with it daily. If she lived by herself when she lost her job, she would have gotten another one more quickly because she wouldn't have had you to fall back on.

It may be time to pull the safety net. Just pray about it and consider it. Best of luck!

Answer 4

Tell her straight up that her whining and worrying is the very formula that will make you leave. You have already told her that her physical appearance and her finances are not a problem to you. Tell her if she wants you to stay, then stop being a bore about complaining that you might leave.
Then, whenever she starts in about how you want to leave her, tell her that this very conversation is pushing you away and leave the room and let her think on that. You can bet she will think twice before doing that again.

Answer 5

Isn't it obvious! you have been with her for four years and overcome so much...don't you think it is time to take it to the next step. No wonder she doesn't have confidence...she will feel so much better about your feelings for her when you show her how serious you are. All those tough times you two went through were all tests to see if you were truly meant for each other. You overcame them, and now its time to take the next step. You don't have to get married right away, at least propose to her so that she feels that much more secure about your relationship. Good Luck. I hope this helps. As for all those other answers...I don't believe therapy is necessary.

Answer 6

Your girlfriend is humble, that's what is good about her. Humble people are hard to find. Increase her self esteem so she will be confident with the relationship you both have.

Do activities that will enhance her charisma, compliment her about the things you appreciate about her. If she won't hang out with her friends then try to make her friends hangout with her.

Truly convince her that you'll stay with her. Do some activities that will build each others trust.

Answer 7

Well, let's see... you could try actually making a binding commitment and marry her... or you could recognize that this woman is not healthy enough to be in a relationship, and you can't rescue her when she's not willing to help herself.

Think about it... if she feels inadequate now, how much worse is it going to be when you start a family? Don't subject kids to living with her. If she refuses to get help to figure herself out and change herself, then you really do need to get out and find a woman you can truly build a life with.

Answer 8

She sounds very insecure. It may be time for her to work this out with a therapist. Because, sooner or later, you will probably get tired of the insecurity and this will cause you to leave. It happens. She could conceivably "cause" what it is she ultimately fears.

Suggest she get some counseling, talk to a pastor, or whatever other trusted professional she thinks could help her with this. I think it's out of your hands. Sounds like you've done your part in reassuring her. You sound like an incredibly supportive partner, and it simply may be time for her to work this out with a professional. Tell her you feel this is important for you, for her, and for the relationship.

Answer 9

You shouldn't have to convince her. She has to do this for herself. There's basically nothing you can do to reassure your love and loyalty for her. Sounds like you've tried with all your might already. If your constant words and actions don't prove it by now, then she's never going to believe it in her mind and heart. You can be supportive, but stay positive for your own sake.

Answer 10

why dont you maybe take her to a councillor... sit down just the two of you with the councillor and talk it through and tell her how you feel... maybe she will get it thru her head u aint guna leave her