I'm gonna go out and get drunk. Can you write something that will make me laugh when i get back?

Question

relax elle, i'm not driving

Answer 1

The first time I ever got smashed, I had to climb the fence to my apartment complex in Baltimore because I had forgotten my gate key. As I was jumping off of the fench, one of the pointy rods latched onto the crotch of my jeans and I was hanging for a second by my crotch until the jeans ripped and I fell on my back. I just sat there aching and laughing my *** off for the next 30 minutes because I was so wasted.

Answer 2

Your thoughts when you get home tonight:
1.Damn I should have stopped for a burrito.
2.Gee I hope no one noticed when I got the beer farts
3.I forgot to tip the bartender........YEEEEAAAAA
4.I didn't even have to pay for the 5 shots I did tonight
5.WHO was that fat girl?
6.Did I really make out with her?
7.I hope none of my friends saw
8.I hope my girlfriend was in the bathroom
9.Why did I say I wanted to read all this crap people posted
10.I am gonna feel like crap tomorrow
11.Oh I think I am gonna be sick
12. Oh man I just peed my pants

Answer 3

The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

Answer 4

I stared up into the dazzling night sky, an aurora of stars filling the ginormous space with enthralling secrets, thinking "WHERE THE HECK DID MY ROOF GO?!?!"

Answer 5

How does a gingerbread man make his bed?
With cookie sheets!

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks!

What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens!

Answer 6

So this air force recruit returns from training during the holidays.His father asks him how is training is going.The son says," well...My instructor told me to jump from the plane and I hesitated.Then he said "if you don't jump fromm this plane I am gonna f@#$ you in the ***." His father asks him so did it hurt?
His son says "a littlle at first."

Answer 7

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Answer 8

Bummer that you tried to drive home. You aren't dreaming. That toe tag on your body is nothing to laugh about.

Answer 9

I walked by a lit candle at someones house that i didn't know and farted as i was passing by it, it caused a big fire flame to shoot out my butt and caught a cat on fire.

Answer 10

Whats red and has seven little dents?????
Snow Whites cherry Hee Hee