How can i get my 4 year old daughter to behave better?

Question

My 4 year old daughter is horrible, worse then kids ive seen on super nanny. She yells at me, tells me NO, hits and throws the cats and dog, if she dont get her way she will sit there and throw a fit for however long. Ive tried time out, ive tried taking things away from her, it doesnt work. NOTHING ive tried has worked. I dedicate one hour every day for just MOMMY and ME time. During that time we do whatever she wants. coloring, games, puzzles..etc. Then after that hour we do house hold chores, i include her in everything i do. so i know it isnt an attention issue. i am concerned because she will start Kindergarten in fall of 07 and i dont want her acting like this in school. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!!

My 4 year old daughter is horrible, worse then kids ive seen on super nanny. She yells at me, tells me NO, hits and throws the cats and dog, if she dont get her way she will sit there and throw a fit for however long. Ive tried time out, ive tried taking things away from her, it doesnt work. NOTHING ive tried has worked. I dedicate one hour every day for just MOMMY and ME time. During that time we do whatever she wants. coloring, games, puzzles..etc. Then after that hour we do house hold chores, i include her in everything i do. so i know it isnt an attention issue. i am concerned because she will start Kindergarten in fall of 07 and i dont want her acting like this in school. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!!

p.s. i have read some of your answers, and id like to add that A. this child has NEVER been neglected. B. i ALWAYS praise her for her good behaviour. C. i have 4 kids, this one being my youngest and NONE of my other children acted this way, so she didnt learn it from me or her father.

Answer 1

Wow. Yes, your daughter does sound difficult! I'm a nanny, myself, and I have learned that children who are allowed to walk all over adults, WILL walk all over adults. In my first nanny job, I was yelled at and disobeyed, too. It was a tough situation, because the kids were already spoiled by parents who felt guilty about working, but I didn't make things any better by being so lenient. I have since learned that bad behavior cannot be tolerated.

You say that time out "doesn't work." I agree that the popular one-minute-per-year-of-child's-age time out doesn't work well, especially when there is opportunity to attract the adult's attention during the time out. I find that banishment to the child's room is better. I know it's old-fashioned, but denying the child access to adult attention is VITAL, and this is much easier in her room than in a chair in the living room or kitchen. Keep her in there for about ten minutes at first (you may adjust this time as you see what works best), returning after that time to see if she is "ready to listen." If not, she stays.

I tend not to punish for fits/tantrums, themselves. I believe a child is entitled to her opinion on a matter. However, if the child is throwing a tantrum INSTEAD of doing what I've asked, I do punish for that. (I may also ask a child to stop a tantrum if it is hurting my ears or causing some other problem - and I put it just like that, "You're hurting my ears. Please stop.") If a tantrum is over something she wants and is not allowed to have, and if it is not so loud as to hurt my or others' ears, I just walk away and let her enjoy. I do not stay and watch, and I ABSOLUTELY do not give in or negotiate.

I've rarely had a child do anything so serious as hit or throw a dog or cat. That is a really big deal. I think I would do more than a ten-minute room confinement for that one. I would have a big talk with her about that, and let her know that a cherished privelege will be taken away if she does it again. (If she really likes the animals and would not want to see them taken away, perhaps the punishment could be sending the pet to a friend or relative's house for a week, with no visits allowed.)

Please don't hit your little girl - or let anyone else do it - as a couple of others have suggested. It is unjust, and teaches violence. Also, it sounds like you've been giving her plenty of attention, so don't worry about that. It is most likely the fact that you have been too lenient (or inconsistent) that is causing your daughter's behavior, but it might be worth taking a look around at the other people in her life. Make sure no one is harming her in any way; there is a small chance that that is what is causing her to act out.

Answer 2

You need to be as firm as possible with her and consistent all the time. She is testing you and what you earnestly should have done when she was 2, is giving her boundaries and then punish her when she isn't complying. You are the adult and she is the child. I am not saying to spank her, that won't work, time out will work if you put a chair in the middle of the room and she has to sit there for 10 minutes, she gets up and screams, put her in her room, remove all the toys and talk to her in a firm voice that you will not accept this behavior any longer and if she doesn't stop it you will get someone that will help you with her. She will not come out of that room until she knows how to behave. If she does put her back in it, if she hits anything slap her hand and tell her NO, not ever again will you raise a hand to anybody or anything. Do not scream or yell, keep your voice firm, a bit louder then usual but at an even tone. You need to do that for probably a whole week, the mother/daughter time is suspended until she behaves properly, tell her that too. Tell her that you love her, but when she behaves like that you will not have anything to do with her until she learns to behave like a 4 year old.
Normally, all that children really want is your approval and love and hopefully she will respond to your actions. But you need to be firm, totally remove any feelings you might have that could soften you. You need to do that now, otherwise you will be at the school 5 times a week, called in by the principal. And in the end nobody wants you to come to their house with the child.

Answer 3

Are you by chance having another baby? Or has your husband changed jobs recently? These things caused temporary discipline problems for our household. Our daughter just turned 6 in December, and last year my husband changed jobs and had less time with her, which for some reason caused her to start acting up for me. We solved the problem (mostly, she's a great kid but not perfect) by setting rules and sticking by them. If time out doesn't work, try taking away a privledge for the afternoon, like " no TV when we get home" or "no video games". I don't know what sort of things your daughter's into, but whatever you do, NEVER beg her to behave. That gives her power over you and breaks down your authority. Be strong! Remember, YOU are the Mommy. Good luck!!

Answer 4

Great question.

Your daughter needs to understand who the boss is. According to her world, she's the boss because she gets what she wants. What you need to do is let her know that you are the boss, not her. This needs to be through action and words, needs to be consistent and needs to be for a long period of time (not just twice or three times, at least 10 times).

When there is calm time, make sure you explain to her that she needs to listen to you and follow your rules and explain that there will be consequences if she doesn't. Explain this clearly to her and make sure to follow through. You need to make sure to include both material objects as well as other freedoms in the list of things you take away from her if she doesn't behave properly.

Now, having said this, she is an individual and she will have different opinions and a different way of doing things. Hitting the dog is not allowed, but if she cleans up a different way than you do, but gets the job done, that should be rewarded, not punishable.

Answer 5

Maybe school will help her to adjust. Sometimes kids behave totally different outside of home. But that probably wouldn't improve how she behaved at home. She might have some expectation that at some point you are just going to give in. Maybe you need to spend a little less time with her or make that if she does something wrong you won't get to spend the time together. It really depends on her temperament I think because some kids if you show you are disappointed in them it can really bother them while if you yell at them they are really confident and it won't help at all while other kids are really sensitive and if you yell at them for them they take fright and notice of that. Maybe you should get some developmental psychology books from the library or book shop and read them. Find something specific on temperament and parenting style. Maybe you could try playing opposites. I always hated doing what my mum told me to do because I am very rebellious and contrary and individual so my mum always used to say things like don't brush your hair or don't brush your teeth so I'd do them.

Answer 6

First let me say that I sympathize. I have a 4 yr. old daughter and she was driving me nuts. Spanking will make you feel terrible so i don't advise it. besides, she may learn to hit you back. What worked for me is ignoring...Yes, it was hard. Whenever she spoke to me incorrectly, I said firmly i will not talk to you when you are speaking to me in that tone. If it happens again (warning), you are going in the laundry room on the chair (away from everyone and everything). When the tone changes, I change too. I'm so much fun you can't believe it. But when she is bad, i ignore her. Stick to your guns. If you have to repremand her more than twice and put her on the chair take away a favorite toy. She must earn it back. Period.

Answer 7

This may sound silly but after SERIOUS problems with my daughter when she was three I followed a book called 123 Magic and if you follow it right it WILL help. My two daughters were abused by their daycare provider and we had a lot of problems after that. This helped. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Do you ever give in and say yes after you said no? if she carries on enough?
I have seen many parents who start out well and say "no!" Then after a while it becomes no? and then by default it becomes yes.
And they expect them to behave? Why should they, they have always got their own way by carrying on, why stop doing it now.

If you say no you have to go through with it......to the bitter end.

Answer 9

Try positive reinforcement. Instead of punishment, reward her for good behavior. She probably is acting out because you make her more angry by punishing her. Try a reward system like stickers or treats during the week that will earn something special.

Answer 10

my little 3 yr old girl almost the same way and we have the strongest bond of every 1 i just try 2 let her no shes doing bad things and that it upsets me very much in school i dont think shes like that my girl but just keep loveing her and tryen to teach her right from wrong good luck