Adopted kids....To tell or not to tell?

Question

Parents with adopted kids face this so I was wondering what everyone's opinion is on this.

I have seen that if you don't tell them until they're 18-20 or older, they'll think their life was based on a whole lie(some)

or if you tell them early in life they'll cry.

So to tell them or not tell them?

As for me I don't have kids. Just wondered what everyone's opinions are on this.

Answer 1

Personally, I think you should tell them early, but not too early. When they're really young, say 5 or 6, their likely response would be "you're not my mommy and daddy?" which would probably make you cry. On the other hand, as you mentioned, if you wait too long, they'll become angry and believe their whole life is based on a lie...which to frank is somewhat true. They have a whole life and family they know nothing about.
If you tell them as soon as they're old enough to understand, it will be a lot easier on all involved. Plus, it also gives the child enough time to contemplate it as they get older and decide whether or not to try to find their birth parents.
I read this one story about a couple who adopted and explained the whole thing to their daughter. Then one day, as the mother was driving the girl home from school, she wondered if she really understood and asked her. The little girl looked and said, "yes, Jesus saw that when I was born I had a mommy that couldn't take care of me, and he saw a mommy that couldn't have a baby so he gave me to the mommy I was supposed to have. So now I live with you and daddy."
I'm not sure of the exact words, but that's close enough.
My advice to parents of adopted children is to tell them the truth, but let them know that they are loved by everyone involved and that everyone just wanted what was best for the child. Never, ever blame or use phrases such as, "your real mommy and daddy didn't want you, but we did so we adopted you". That just opens them up to hatred and resentment, and even worse low self-esteem. No one wants to hear that their parents didn't want them. Also, I suggest a parent who adopts should let the child know all the reasons they wanted to adopt and why they chose that child...what they loved about him/her.
Any adoptive parent who truly takes the needs and feelings of the child into consideration when making that important decision will no doubt make the right one.
I hope this helped answer your question. It was a very good question, and I hope that anyone out there who is facing this problem reads your question and the answers provided so that they can make the decision they feel is best for their child. God bless...and good luck to those out there facing this. I wish you and your family the very best.

Answer 2

The best thing is for the adoption to be "just a fact of life" from the beginning. There are so many different ways that families are formed, especially now. It's not at all unusual for kids to grow up in a blended family, with step-siblings and half-siblings, and adoption is just another way of making a family.

Ideally, it would be discussed conversationally at a very early age, whenever the opportunity arose. It shouldn't be a taboo subject at all. Adopting a child means that the parents really really wanted a child, unlike many poor kids who are being raised by parents who really didn't want them but the mom accidentally got pregnant. Some families even celebrate "Adoption Day" as well as birthdays, because the day that a child comes into a family is very special, no matter how that came about. And that also gives an opportunity to honor the birth mother, who wasn't able to raise the baby but loved him/ her so much that she gave the baby to a family who would also love them and could give them the life that the birth mother could not.

Honesty is the best policy!

Answer 3

My two youngest daughters were adopted from China, my husband and I are so white it hurts. When my 3 year old brought up that her eyes are different, I told her that she has 2 moms, the one in China who carried her in her belly but couldn't keep her, and Me, her forever mom. I think if you tell them EARLY, like 7-8, and do it in such a way that they know both moms love them or they would, for lack of a better adult term, have aborted them, they will get it. If you tell them early, they don't risk being surprised by a family member spilling the beans or them being older and finding out and feeling you should have told them sooner, OR being surprised by the birth mom, dad or subsequent siblings finding them. You just have to find the right forum to tell them in.

It's important that the child knows that the adoption was ONE DAY and after that day, it became past tense. From the moment the adoption is final, the child is no longer adopted, that child is YOUR CHILD.

Answer 4

I was adopted and my parents told me when I was young yet old enough to understand. I am glad that I was told; it answered a lot of questions, i.e., why I'm so tall and look like no one else in the family. It is up to the parent to decide when their child has the ability to understand that kind of information. I believe it would have been harder for me to take had the waited until I was 18.
I was able to find out non-identifying information (what my biological parents looked like, any medical issues, etc...) The drawback is if I want to locate my biological parents, I'll have to shell out some serious money.

Answer 5

Definitely tell when they are young. Otherwise, it seems like the fact that they were adopted is something that is looked down on and should not be discussed. My cousin adopted both of her children, and they both were told when they were so little they didn't understand all the way. Both of the girls understand now (they are 5 and 7) and neither one is bothered or ashamed by it. They both consider themselves very special and will willingly tell others that they are adopted and that their mom and dad specially picked them as their kids. It doesn't have to be a big dark secret if families don't let it become one.

Answer 6

My husband is adopted. They told him that he was from day 1. Obviously he didn't understand when he was one month old, but its just the point that he grew up from his earliest memory knowing he was adopted. He was always told that he was very special because he was the best gift that they had ever been given. As he got older they explained wht "adopted" ment. But the term was never foriegn to him. He has no resentment to this day. He loves his adoptive parent more than life its self, as well as his birth parents that placed him up for adoption (never met) for giving him a better life than could have at there age (They were VERY YOUNG when they had him)

Answer 7

My grandfather did not find out until he was an adult and he was very hurt that he did not know sooner, so he made my parents promise to tell my sister, which they did. She is very well adjusted and pretty comfortable with the fact that she is adopted, since she has known since she was like 3 or so. We always emphasized how long we waited for her and how excited everyone was to have her, so it was not like adoption was a bad thing, it was a blessing.

Answer 8

I think you should definitely tell. They are not going to stay kids forever, thus they will eventually notice that something is off. I know if it were me and I found out on my own, I'd be hurt that I wasn't told the truth before and I would indeed think that my entire life was based on lies.
My step sister and step brother were both raised by my father. My brother always asked my step mother (his mother) why he and my step sister had different names while my younger half and sister and me all had the same last name. Their mother told them when they were about 10-12. She chose this age because at this age they can understand. They were a bit sad about it, but after she explained why, then they understood. Today, my dad considers himself to have 5 children and all of us love him equally.

Answer 9

My nephew is 7 and he has been told since he was a baby that he was adopted and that he grow in mommy's heart. He understands and they found him a friend that was also adopted and at 7 they talk about it and relate to each other. I think it is healthier for the child to know, why wait till they are an adult and confuse them even more, if they know from the beginning and they know you love them no matter what, they really don't mind.

Answer 10

my youngest son was adopted by my husband when he was just a baby. his sperm donor is a real waste of skin! he drinks and beats on women so i think we did the right thing by having my husband adopt him and the looser signed the papers so he could. before he adopted him we decided that when he was old enough to understand, maybe around the age of 13, we would tell him the truth. im sure he is going to be a little confused and hurt by this but i don't want to lie to him either. im sure he is going to have plenty of questions and we will answer them truthfully and he can decide from that if he wants to find his sperm donor or go on with life the way it has been. its hard to say how he is going to act but it was best for him to be raised knowing my husband as his father.