My husband and I and our 2 young girls just recently had to stay with my mother-in-law for a few weeks while our home was under construction. I love her very dearly, but she is an alcoholic that won't admit it. During this time we paid her for staying there, among other things, she has borrowed money from us more than once, which has been the cause for fights in the past. I am usually the one to make peace and she usually always takes my side. This time however she had said some things about my children ( her grandkids ) that really hurt me. If she had been a true grandmother and loved her grandkids she would never had said these things. So she sends a nasty letter one day along with a check and a have a happy life. I wrote one back letting her know how I feel this time, I want more than anything to send it, but she is one who thrives off of this kind of stuff. I don't want to give her that satisfaction, but at the same time I am ready to stand up to my family. What do you think? Send?
2006-12-22 07:36:04 · 17 answers · asked by buterbuny2 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
No. Burn both letters and move on. BTW, where is your hubby in all of this? He should be the one standing up for you and his kids. If it were your mom then it would be your job. Make certain he reads the letter before you destroy it.
2006-12-22 07:42:36 · answer #1 · answered by babydoll 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I wouldn't send it! I know how hard it must be not to put her in her place! I did this with my alcoholic father and have not seen nor heard from him in many years...this was my choice! It doesn't bother the kids as they never wanted anything to do with him in the first place...(how sad is that). Although I am at peace now that I don't have to deal with the effects of his alcoholism it truly saddens me not to have ever had a father other than that of a sperm donor~! She is just trying to get at you and yes, while it does...let her be! It will hurt her more if you don't respond. But on the other hand...I wouldn't lend her anymore money and if she is to come around then let her make the first move, then after the steam has cleared is when you tell her exactly how she makes you feel...you will get more of an honest response this way as she was more than likely drunk when she said / wrote the things she did!
2006-12-22 07:46:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I definitely know you shouldn't send the letter. It will only keep (bleep) going on between you two and eventually end up hurting the kids. Although the kids will eventually end up being hurt by this, at least your hands will be clean. Find out a way to make sure that your kids will not be left alone with her because if she drives with them you may end up regretting it. In fact leaving your kids with her period you could end up regretting it. They are too vulnerable to be exposed to such behavior that an alcoholic has.
It just sounds as though you should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel, let him read the note and together come up with some kind of solution like only supervised visits and eventually your kids will figure things out about Granny when they are old enough. Stay strong, I know it's hard, I have a similar situation in my family.
2006-12-22 07:53:04 · answer #3 · answered by MeHurdu 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You stated she is an Alcholic but doesn't admit it. You're the one who is sober, so why try to fight with someone who doesn't even have full use of their "sober" mental faculities. It would be very pointless, and disruptive to your well being and peace of mind to respond, not to mention your children and husband.
Walk away from that drama, ignore her behavior consistantly. Give her the silent treatment and don't expose yourself or your family to her crap. She sounds like she needs intervention. But there's an old saying that says "you shouldn't argue with a drunken fool because nothing good will come from it" (no disrespect intended)
She probably needs to be in the "program" and until she seeks help and straightens out, she will continue to have issues and try to say or do things that are disruptive, negative, nasty and plain old wrong. Keep your children safe from that drama and you keep your distance. One day when she sees that you and the rest of the family have moved along in life without her... she may just want to seek help.
2006-12-22 07:59:10 · answer #4 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No do not send the letter that will just be adding fuel to the fire.... Just ignore it and let well enough alone.... Where is your husband in this? It is his mother he should be the one standing up to her not you. and vis versa! Sounds like you just need to cut all ties to this women until she can grow up some......
You and your children do not need that in your life and the kids do not need someone who says bad things about them near them at all... Tell your husband that you no longer wish for his mother to see the children because you feel they would be unsafe.....
In a way you keep all contact away you will be standing up for you family by not allowing them to be around people like that.... Give this women some time and space to think about what she is missing out on and she will change her tone!
Good Luck to you and your family and Merry X-mas!
2006-12-22 07:52:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are correct to wonder if you should stoop to her level. It won't do any good. She's a bitter, angry, sad woman who thrives off the pain of others. Don't give her the satisfaction. Cash the check if you want but you'll probably end up giving it back to her when she borrows again.
2006-12-22 07:44:44 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't. One time I sent an ugly letter to a family member after they were ugly to me and I totally regretted it.
First of all things in writing can always come back to haunt you. Your words are on paper, in black and white and you can't dispute them.
Secondly, do you think she might have been drunk when writing? Does it sound like something she would say when she isn't drinking? Alcoholics are very sick people.
Maybe you could get an AA meeting list and mail it to her anonymously.
2006-12-22 08:08:05 · answer #7 · answered by Beautib 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as she has this kind of denial, a letter will not get through to her. Instead of sending it, try getting her into a 12 step program. Show the letter she wrote you to your husband and see if you all can arrainge an intervention with her. Good luck.
2006-12-22 08:04:07 · answer #8 · answered by nursesr4evr 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a family intervention and inpatient treatment may be in the offing for the holidays??
Contact a local treatment center and see what it would take to do a family intervention with your Mother in law. Maybe next Christmas will be a better one?
I've been in recovery for 20+ years and my heart goes out to you and your husband. Please you and your husband ought to go to an ALANON meeting. This might help you both in dealing with her..
Inform her if she intends to drink she can do so with inpunity but not to expect to see her grand kids.. Tough love goes a long way to bring a drunk to their "bottom".. Alanon family groups are the saving grace of many a family.. Bless you and our family with recovery from her addiction.
2006-12-22 07:42:18 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No don't send the letter. You did the right thing when you stayed with her. She probably wrote you the letter along with the check when she was drunk. Cash the check.
2006-12-22 07:50:27 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't send, remember it is the alchol talking, how is she whe she is sober? Just keep it and pull it out every so often and look at it. You don't won' t to give her the satisfaction of winning. In fact send her a bouquet of flowers with thank you written on the card..Remember she is still the grandmom of your kids and they still love her.
2006-12-22 07:42:39 · answer #11 · answered by stringhead3 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋