Tell me your best Xmas joke!?

Question

I wanna tell a bunch of xmas jokes to my family while we eat a nice xmas dinner, please help me out people!

Answer 1

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeers, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen... had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

I was quick to respond the following:

The moral of the story is:

1- Girls are physically strong.
2- Girls have a good sense of orientation.
3- Girls like to be tied and then whipped.
4- Girls will do anything for an old, badly dressed geezer as long as he has a lot of gifts.

Answer 2

How about a pun?
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “ That new upper plate I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything---- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

no just kidding here is a diffrent one

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this Holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....

Answer 3

How about a pun?
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “ That new upper plate I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything---- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Answer 4

How about a pun?
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “ That new upper plate I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything---- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Answer 5

How about a pun?
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “ That new upper plate I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything---- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Answer 6

How about a pun?
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “ That new upper plate I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything---- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Answer 7

I have a couple Here they are:
What do the elves learn in school? The elf-abet
What's the difference between the original alphabet and the Chrismtas alphabet? The Christmas one has No L (Noel)
Why does Sante have 3 gardens? So he can hoe hoe hoe
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?Frostbite
What kind of bird can write? A pen-guin
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? He has low elf esteem
What do you call people who are afriad of Santa? Claustrophobic

Answer 8

A co-worker of mine advised the adult adult males and that i this one: i replaced into so undesirable whilst i replaced right into a newborn, that if i did no longer awaken with a no longer ordinary on on Christmas day, i could have not have been given something to play with! all of us had a reliable chortle.

Answer 9

One snowman says to another snowman, "Is it just me, or can you smell carrots?"

What did the frog say when he was about to open a present?
"I want to ribbit open!"