How do I negotiate with my wife on our child's future?

Question

When our son goes into high school in 2020, I want to give him a choice, "Either work or sports" He would either have to get a part-time after school job or take-up sports. This is because I DO NOT want him taking the same path as myself. During the summer if he is not training, he will be working or both.
My wife hates this, How can I get her to see my side of this debate?

Answer 1

Dude...chill out. You've got over 10 years! You can't plan everything. Guarantee that one or both of you will change your minds on things by then. See how your kid turns out and what he wants to do. Don't push him into anything or think that you can plan every aspect of his life for him. Encourage...don't demand.

Answer 2

Sports are really great, my dh is really into sports and has met a lot of great friends, is very healthy, and you can get college scholarships. So that's a very nice extracurricular activity.

I worked throughout high school though from the age of 15, and really can't recommend that much. I often had to work late some nights until about 11pm, was really tired the next day, and it probably affected my grades being so tired. If college is a priority, I would think sports and/or school or clubs or music would be enough. I regret that I worked so much (20 to 30 hours a week) during high school. Yes, I had plenty of money to go to movies and buy clothes and a little money saved for college, but spent half of my life tired, and probably would have had a higher GPA. Hopefully, if your son works you'll at least limit his hours working to 10 to 15, but I think many jobs, at least mine, want people to work more hours so it's hard to work less hours.

I also don't think it's very fair to say work or sports. It reminds me of a toddler discipline method we used to use. Red shirt or Blue shirt? But your son is not a toddler anymore and should be able to make choices for himself. He also isn't living your life (you said you don't want him taking your path), but I think you need to let him take his own path and not dictate which path he will take or what choices he will have. I hope you will relent on this and let him make his own choices. Yes, he might make some mistakes, but he also may make some brilliant successes and be really happy with them also! But you have to give him the chance!

Answer 3

A couple of things here:

1. This is why it is so important to communicate with our partners before we get married and have babies. It's not that we can foresee every little thing that will come up, but the basic ideas should be explored before we decide this is the right person for us.

2. We all want our children to be able to get through high school without making the same mistakes we did. This is humanly not possible. All we can really do is raise them with the right morals and values and hope that those, combined with their own learning lessons, will make them become productive adults.

3. In my opinion, I don't think it's a bad idea for your child to have certain reponsibilities that are appropriate for their age. Considering that your child is going to be in HS in 2020, I'm guessing he's somewhere around three or four now. Women have a harder time than men envisioning their babies as teenagers or adults, and it might just be something that your wife isn't willing to discuss at this point. He is her baby right now. Let her have this time with him, and when he's older you can re-visit this conversation.

Also, I have taught my children that school is their primary job. They may not like it sometimes, they may hate the people they're around, but it's their job and they need to give it 100%. Wait until your son is in HS and see if his schedule will even allow him to do anything else than study. You can teach him responsibility without sending him into the workplace early...he can work with you around the house, he can help his mom with her things, etc. etc.

Don't get too ahead of yourself, things have a way of changing and working themselves out.

I would tell your wife that when your son is in Jr. High you'd like to revisit this conversation, and until then, just keep trying to guide your child down the right path. He may decide that the right thing for him to do when he is older is work or play sports, so you can avoid the next nine years of arguing altogether!

www.sanemommy.com

Answer 4

You really need to wait and see what kind of kid your son is by then. There is so much pressure on kids at school these days, why don't you just let him be a kid a while longer. What if he doesn't like sports? How can you be sure a job won't cause his grades to fall? If you are so worried about him turning out like you, start teaching him better values now. Sports and jobs aren't going to parent your son, you and your wife are. As long as you lead him in the right direction from the begining, he'll do fine.

Answer 5

Does it have to be one of the two? Could he go into an academic club or volunteer? I hope your not one of those dad's who is ashamed if their son does not like sports. But I do agree that he needs something to do in the summer. My parents made me work as soon as I turned 16. I got home from school around 4:00 and worked from 5:00 until 11:00 every night then tried to do my homework after 11:00 only to have to be at school around 8:00. Needless to say my grades suffered and because I was so tired and stressed all the time I did not enjoy life. If you son has to work please let it only be part time (20 hours or less). Because of my experience I don't want my kids to work and go to school on the same day 5 days a week.

Answer 6

I think it's wonderful that you have goals for your child, but at the same time try to remember he will have his own mind and interests, and way of thinking. You dont want to push him one way or the other, for you may just push him down the path you say you took and dont want him to take. When the time comes, I believe that both you and wife should talk with him and see what he wants, what his interests are. In the mean time, I would suggest just keep talking with your wife about how you feel, why you feel so strongly about this particular subject. She may surprise you and come around if you are patient and just keep trying. I know I would if my husband was persistent. It would be a good thing for you and your wife to be on the same page when your son is older. If neither of you can agree, then that's not for the good of your son. I hope some of it/all of it made any kind of sense to you, and that it helps in some way!! Best wishes!!

Answer 7

Gardenfoot...this is more about you than it is your son:

"This is because I DO NOT want him taking the same path as myself."

Listen to what you are saying.... Your life as a child was not pleasent so you don't want your son to repeat your mistakes and be as miserable as you were or are now. I applaud your thoughts of concern and it shows you do love him. I am sorry that your experiences were not happy ones.

Here is something you might not have considered. In this frenzy of fear, what you will end up doing is making HIS LIFE AND YOUR WIFE"S life as miserable as yours if not more so. Extreme behavior in the opposite direction ends up causing the exact same harm. You have to lighten up and breathe. This should be the best time of your life to enjoy this little beings development and discovery of his world. STOP please and enjoy the moment. You may be dead in 2020. Do you want your son to remember an angry father or a loving one? Which behavior would you like him to emulate to his own children?

What I found is when adults try to control every little thing in the lives around them it is really a maskerade to hide they feel really out of control on the inside. E-mail me and I can give some things to read and understand why this is happening and how to change it. The only control you will ever really have is over your own behavior. The present course will give decades of heartbreak not only to yourself but to the rest of the family. Make your todays count because the only part of this in you control is how you live in the moment.

Good Luck Sir.

Answer 8

I agree with you, although it is a little to early to argue with your spouse over it. Kids need something to do, sitting around the house wasting space is not an option, it only leads to trouble. But I think your choices are too narrow, how bout you say either a PT job or some form of extra curricular activity. What if he doesn't like sports....what if he wants to take a art class, or a dance class, or whatever. It would still keep him out of trouble. The rule in my family always was, if you want a car, you better get a job to pay for it. That was motivation enough for me to deliver pizza's in high school

Answer 9

Explain to her how you feel and why. The trick to bargaining is to show her what she will gain as well. Say something like, "with him training you wont have to worry about what he's doing or who he's hanging out with." or "Sports and jobs are botha wonderful way to help build character and prepare him for life" and try "both of these opportunities will help him get a step ahead of his peers when it comes time to send out college resumes." Dont forget that while she is the mother which is very important, you are the father which is importnt too, you deserve a say in what goes on in your child's life too. If all else fails just say "ok, lets compromise"
I hope this helps, and good luck

Answer 10

Um, a more reasonable demand is "Work or School". So I'm in agreement with your wife.

If he's going to school, let him decide what he's interested in. You are not your son. Your son is not you. You most likely will not have the same interests, ESPECIALLY if you try to force those interests on your son. That's only going to force him away from you. If he is interested in sports, by all means, encourage it. But if he is interested in physics, you should encourage that too. Or math. Or history. Or whatever his interests may be. I hate to be devils advocate, but for all you know you could be involved in a car wreck and your son is in the car when he's 7 years old then he's paraplegic for the rest of his life. Relax. Seriously.

Answer 11

I think that's pretty far off. I think you should relax and wait to have this discussion when the child is older and you'll know his personality, likes, dislikes, habits, etc. better. I think that "sports vs. work" is also a thin line to draw. What if he is very involved in marching band? Theatre? Choir? The school newspaper or yearbook? What if he'd prefer to do volunteer work somewhere? There are a lot of other good options besides the thin line you've drawn. You aren't going to know which options will best fit your child for many more years.