Need Advice On 2 and a half year old son's behavior.?

Question

My son is 2, almost 3. He'll be 3 in March, 2007. I need some advice from other parents. I do not know what to do about his behavior issues.
He has violent temper tantrums 10 -12 times a day, for no reason whatsoever. He doesn't throw himself down on the floor. He bites, hits, and kicks other people. His father, his 1 year old sister, and me. Or, anyone else who is around. He is constantly screaming.
The fits last usually 45 minutes to an hour.
He was potty trained by age 1. Now, he refuses to go to the toliet.
He was also a very verbal child and knew a lot of words. Now, he refuses to use them. Instead, he uses baby noises or screams
all the time.
We have tried everything we can think of for discipline, but nothing works.
HIs behavior has got so bad, he was, recently kicked out of his daycare. They won't allow him back in because he seriously injured another child.
My husband and I have taken him to our doctor, but he says he's fine and that he'll out grow it.

Answer 1

I am sorry but his doctor is wrong about this one. He is not fine. Does he have any reason to be so angry? Have there been any recent changes in his life (move, family issues or stress)? Did his behavior change coincide with the arrival of his sibling? If there are changes or you feel he has become more aggressive with the arrival of his sibling, give him a little extra love and attention.

Children who throw temper tantrums are children who are not getting their needs met. If they are not throwing a tantrum because they are hungry, sick, or tired, they will throw a tantrum because it feels powerful, they are getting attention for it, they are testing limits, or they are simply feeling frustrated.

DO NOT BITE, HIT, OR KICK HIM BACK! I can't believe so many suggest injuring a child to teach a lesson! These methods will only reinforce the message that biting, hitting, or kicking is okay. "If mom can bite me, I can bite someone." These are punishments (you controlling him). He needs to be disciplined in order to learn self control. Those of you, who suggest biting, hitting, and kicking back, stop offering such abusive advice and go take some parenting classes!

When he bites, take your son aside immediately after he bites and ask him to let you show her how teeth feel on skin. Press his forearm against his upper teeth as if he were biting himself, not in an angry revengeful way, but as a parent making a point, "See, biting hurts!"

Avoid punishing or threatening him when he throws a tantrum. Instead, do the unexpected. Either walk away or move him to a quiet place where there are no distractions (his room, the couch) and say “When you are ready to calm down then you can come back.” Say nothing more than that. This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling him). Teach him that he can return when he is ready to control himself. You may have to return him to the designated spot before he gets the message. Keep it up!

The best way to discipline children is to use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he spills his drink, give him a towel to clean it. If he breaks a toy, he puts in the trash. If he uses baby noises, pretend like you don’t hear him. If he wants to scream, show him a place where he can scream (his room, a pillow). Let the “punishment” fit the crime

When he injures another person, rush to that person and empathize. “Ouch! That must have hurt you! Let’s get some ice to put on your sore.” Shut your son completely out. He will not like being ignored.

Empathize with him when he has calmed down. “I can tell you were feeling very (mad, angry, upset, hurt, sad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” Do some problem solving and give him words to use. He will then learn to better express himself.

When you are speaking to him, try and phrase your questions where he has to respond. Instead of saying “Do you want milk?” say “Do you want orange juice or milk?”

Make sure you give him lots of extra love and attention when the baby is sleeping, read him a story, do an art project together, have him help you make a snack or prepare dinner. Also, have him help you with the baby. He can pick out the baby’s outfit, sing to the baby, get a diaper. He will feel proud to help and feel proud to be a big brother.

Notice your son when he is not misbehaving. Help him to feel powerful by saying thing like “Look how fast you can run! You did that by yourself! You stacked every block! You used so many colors on you picture!” These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy).These phrases are great ways to help your son feel powerful, gain confidence, and show attention in a positive way.

For the potty training, he has just regressed. Give it some time and then try again.

If these methods do not work, consider taking him to a play therapist to get to the root of his anger. I know a lot of people feel it will stigmatize the child but it does not. Children only see the therapy as “play” and it can help greatly in a very short time. My guess is that if you put my ideas into practice, it will make a huge difference in very little time and therapy will not be necessary.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Hope this helps! Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 2

First off, I'd get a second opinion from another doctor. Immediately.

The next thing, is to make sure you really are disciplining him. If kids are disciplined, the behavior usually is curbed at least to some extent. If he is truly doing this 10-12 times a day, and you are really disciplining him and not just yelling at him or doing "quiet time" or that type of thing, and he doesn't respond, I think the medical route is the way to go, and really get this checked out.

If you are treating him with kid gloves and afraid of hurting his feelings (yes I'm serious) then you can look forward to a lifetime of problems.

Answer 3

You truly need to seek the advice of another medical professional. If your doctor blew you off that easily with this list of complaints... than you need another one. They should be running blood work to see if something is going on physically and then you should have been sent to see a child psychologist to see what might be going on mentally. What really stands out in my mind is his refusal to use the toilet after being potty trained for so long and the the biggest thing you said that stands out is his refusal to speak words after being very verbal.

Find another doctor for another opinion. You are the only advocate that your son has. Also, don't hold back when talking to the doctors because you are embarrassed. Tell him / her everything. I'm not going to scare you by telling you the multitude of phsyical things that can cause your son to make such a major change in behavior, but I will tell you that I am 100% certain that you need to seek medical attention for him and if you don't get an answer that satisfies you (including a complete physical workup) than you find yet another doctor.

And let me say .. going on record... that most if not all the answers you received here... are very poor answers. Hiting or biting back? Isolating him? Just wants attention? Are these people crazy!!!! He could be acting out due to a 100 things due to a physical / mental disorder and illness. Going from verbal to non-verbal and not being toilet trained anymore is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed. Being abusive - which is what other peoples answers eluded to - is out of line.

I work for an organization that services kids with critical, terminal and life-long illnesses. Everything from leukemia to major food allergies to brain tumors and autistic children. You would be shocked the things doctors dismiss that were actually major illness symptoms. Not to mention a whole host of mental disorders that crop up that was never seen before. Ok... I'll get off my soap box now.

If after you have ruled out all possible physical and mental issues, then you will need to learn to control the child. I would recommend that you go to parenting classes and get your child into behavior modification classes. Parenting classes isn't just teaching you not to beat the kid and make sure they get good nutrition. Instead, it teaches you the appropriate way to discipline, how to be consistent as well as being a team with your spouse with a problem child. Sometimes we just have to be humble enough to realize that we are the problem and we need a little coaching to get it right. You'll benefit and so will your child.

Good luck ... I wish the best for your family.

Answer 4

That's rough. All I can think of is make sure his room, or another room in your house, is safe and totally kid-proofed. Then when he starts this pick him up, put him in the room and don't let him out until he's done. Hopefully when he figures out that these behaviors don't get him anywhere, he'll stop.

I would also see another Dr for a second opinion. This seems a little more extreme than normal toddlerhood to me.

Edit after seeing Angel A's response: You know I didn't even think about autisim. Especially the verbal to non-verbal, that's a classic sign, and the age is right. Get the child to new doctor, one who will listen to you.

Answer 5

If ur child has regressed there is certainly an underlying problem with him pls do not rely on the advice of just one medical professional. We r often told that when we r not comfortable with one decision always seek a second or third opinion. This is what u need to do here seek another professional opinion from a specialist in child development. I pray ur problems r resolved soon. Stop the disciplining it goes beyond that believe me it's medical. I'll pray for peace and the welfare of ur baby and all of u.

Answer 6

I think your son is thriving on the attention that he is getting for his behavior. He knows that his episodes get a big reaction from everyone around him and it is escalating out of control.
The good news is that he is young enough that you can reverse it with a few techniques. It will not be easy and at times you will feel that it is not working but the key is for you and your husband to unite forces and let him see that YOU are in control of the situation, not him. If he starts screaming or making noises, simply ignore him. It is no fun to do things if he does not get that reaction from you. However if he is hitting or biting, then remove him from the situation immediately and put him on time out or figure out which are the things he likes most (a toy, a tv show, coloring etc.) and take those things away as punishment. Be consistent every single time. Do not give him any second chances. One offense is all it takes. You will find yourself putting him on time out 20 times a day. You basically have to put everything else on hold to get this accomplished but believe me he will catch on. To every action, there will be a consequence, no exceptions.
When he does behave good, praise the living days out of him. He needs to see that good reactions and positive rewards are just as satisfying as negative ones.
I had a very stubborn toddler and today she is a sweet well mannered little girl. Believe me it was not easy but you have to ask yourself if you want to take care of it now or live with a teenager that behaves like that.
Good luck and god bless!

Answer 7

I think he may be picking up some things from other kids at school. When he gets home he no longer has the influence of the other children. If I were you, I would try to instill in him the importance of behaving correctly when other kids may not be. This is a hard concept for a two year old, but it is all part of the socialization process. It will take some time but he will get better.

Answer 8

You should consider taking him to a behavorial specialist... It could be nothing; could be something. I have a friend who has an autistic child and she didn't know until she was 3 1/2 as that is when her behavior changed. But a LOT of kids are juts testing their boundries with you and just want to see what they can and can't get away with.

Answer 9

I had four kids, and all were and are well behaved. Sounds like he is behaving this way for attention. I would isolate him so he can't hurt anyone and ignore his bad behavior. You should take care of it now, or it will be worse later. As for the toilet issue, he is old enough to use the toilet (physically old enough), so he is doing that for attention as well. If he doesn't go on the toilet now, is he messing his pants? Make him be a part of the clean up process for this. Most kids don't like that, and he will see it is just easier to go on the toilet. Reward good behavior, ignore the bad. If he doesn't get the attention for it, it should stop. Hope this helps, and good luck.

Answer 10

Have you had a developmental evaluation done ? Maybe you can talk to a pedi or get a developmental specialist help you. Have you mentioned to the doctor about him getting kicked out of daycare for aggressive behavior ? Maybe that can get you a referal to a specialist.

Many states cover free development evaluation and treatment for children under 3 years. So if your state is one of them, take quick action and take benefit of the policy before he turns three.