Is my marriage doomed to failure or it has the possibiliy of being succesful?

Question

I married without being in love. I didnt took this decision lightly.
First, I was desperate to leave my toxic home environment, second probably due to the emotional stress I was living in I developed a thyroid disorder that went undiagnosed for 2.5 years which left me so sick I was barely able to survive, yet I studied and worked for 4.5 years until I couldnt do it anymore, this is when I decided to marry.
I didnt fall in love with my boyfriend cause I was so emotionally broken I was uncapable of loving anybody, I needed to go through a long period of healing. Second he is a little unenthusiasitc which makes his company monotonous, but I need to add that he has beautiful qualities that I admire. Third, since I was not taught healthy boundaries by mom I let him have sex with me too early, so our relationship didnt develop at my own pace.
I need to add that since I live with him my emotinal wellbeing is much better and he has been very supportive of my recovery ( I am going to therapy).

Answer 1

You are not the only gal that married to bas-ically run away from a dysfunctional environ-ment, the truth is that if your husband is kind and you have mutual respect for each other, have things in common, have a decent sex life and good communication, and basically enjoy each others company, there is no reason in the world that you will not wake up one day and realize you have developed a love for this man, you may find all of a sudden, you miss him, you are looking forward to him coming home at night and sharing things, you don't want to love him like a brother, and if you have a good sex life, you won't, at the same time, real love can be very simple and without a lot of bells and whistles all the time. Give it a chance, however, if you jumped from the skillet into the fire and he is controling or abusive, get some counseling or get out early, don't waste your life, there are worse things than divorce, two wrong environ- ments don't make a right.

Answer 2

So this guy takes you out of a dysfunctional family which meant you were probably not up to speed on a lot of things that make families work.

You had been sick and depressed for 2.5 years then discover a thyroid problem. 4.5 years of that

Then he marries you!!

Sounds like a rock to me.

Sex too early? The dysfunctioal family was the reason for that. You didnt know the rules.

You speak of sex as though you are not allowed to enjoy it. You can you know. Why should you feel bad about it?

And you say your emotional wellbeing has improved? And he is supportive?

As I said, he sounds like a rock to me.

He is dull and boring? Well maybe you can do something about that. Get on the positive side of the fence and do a few things for him. Anything.....nice meal, few hugs, a smile.....ask any man, we love it.

and you might find yourself falling in love with him.

Your marriage is far from doomed; Good luck to you both

Answer 3

I don't think I honestly loved my husband when I married him.You do have a chance at a successful marriage. Marriage is hard work. We've been married for almost 7 years now and I can say now that I do love my husband. All the physical passion isn't there right now but that is something that comes and goes throughout the marriage as I've discovered. Also, this can be attributed to your own emotional state of mind. I'm glad you're in therapy. That's great! Keep going and maybe eventually you'll want your husband to get involved after you've dealt with your own issues.

Answer 4

Knowing & Understanding: There's A Difference

Swami Sukhabodhananda
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A man with eight PhDs - he was proud of his achievement - met a monk. The monk asked him, "Why have you been so foolish in life?" The man said: "But I have eight PhDs!"

"I have understood you; it is foolish to spend the best part of life reading instead of enjoying the birds, stars and the moon", said the monk.

"You may have knowledge but not clarity; you may know a lot and yet understand nothing".

What does one have to understand about life?

You have many centres: Intellectual centre, an emotional centre and a body centre. In each centre, there is a mechanical and magnetic part. The mechanical part acts like a machine while the magnetic part acts with ore awareness.

You have to transform yourself. Your mechanical movements and thinking have to change. Your mechanical emotions like jea- lousy and hatred have to be overcome. You can do this by bringing in more awareness.

Then a complete being will emerge. When you increase awareness, even poison can turn into medicine; and with no awareness, medicine can become poison.

Why are we so mechanical?

A king dreamt that he was a beggar. His guru, in his dreams, told him the truth that he was a king and not a beggar. Now was he to argue with his guru or just wake up?

The question of "why" cannot be answered. When did time begin? You cannot answer such a question. Which came first, egg or hen? There is a logical fallacy in the very question. Realise that we are mechanical. Bring in more awareness and see the life-transformation.

Even inert objects have life. Treat any object with loving awareness and it will guide you mysteriously. Your intuition and purity have to increase to receive this message. When you bathe, lovingly talk to water.

In a relationship, is it not necessary to judge? >>

In a relationship, is it not necessary to judge?

Keep yourself relaxed. Increase your awareness and love. Not to judge should not be a conclusion. Don't make it a demand or compulsion. Let there be a choice. There is a difference between "should' and "choice'.

"Should' creates stress; it limits you to only one option. Choose not to judge. It is not a demand but a wise choice.

The danger of judgment is that you stop seeing the object of judgment and you are more in your judgment.

In life, you have to make judgments, but don't be a victim of your judgments. Suppose a thief enters your house, you have to judge him but then, be open to the possibility that he could change.

Suppose you meet him after 10 years, see if he has changed or not. Do you still judge from the memory that he has been a thief? If you do not have this awareness, you will not see the change in a person even if he has changed.

What should one be really aware of?

Negative emotions poison. Like avoiding poisonous food, avoid negative emotions. Don't identify with them. Don't participate in them. Choose to create a new will, not be driven by negative emotions.

They deplete your energy. They keep you asleep. They are harmful and heavy. They make your life complicated. For example somebody's success should not be your failure. We define our failure by somebody's success.

We feel jealous seeing someone successful. Jealousy is a great poison.

Compete with your potential. Even if you compete with others, enjoy it. See beauty all around. Do not define your success and failure by someone's success and failure.

Answer 5

Your bonds with your mom are all powerful in this and all matters with you. In many ways, taking in to account your medical problem, you must be very strong and intelligent, however, something important is missing in you. You love your mother, at least you are her little girl and she is you all-powerful mother. But you imply you have reached one of those cross roads in life where YOU must make a decision. Not to worry, either way will work. Life must go on. Easier to give up a husband you never loved and who lacks "enthusiasm." You said your sickness "left me so sick I was barely able to survive, yet I studied and worked for 4.5 years until I couldnt do it anymore, this is when I decided to marry." My goodness! You weren't in love but you married because you couldn't "do it anymore." That is your mother speaking through you. It is a practical, worldly decision. But you have to decide whether or not you must continue a loveless marriage. You are under your mother's spell. You honor your mother's wisdom and care for you but you are not happy. You are locked in a marriage of convenience. I am myself a follower of the Buddha and suggest you start with the basics: think, wait and fast. If you fail to see the light pretty soon, you must lfollow your mother's superior knowledge and experience. You have within you but your growth has been stunted and you may be too old to think properly. You are possibly like a small, little bonzai tree a beautiful little miniture that requires a lot of attention and care. Not what his husband provides. He is unlikely to grasp such a thing. He may grow very angry and beat you with a cane if you try to explain. Some are made to follow and do as they are told. If practicing the way through meditations doesn't solve it for you then you are better to do as you are told in this life.

Answer 6

I think that there is a GOOD chance that this marriage will be successful as you put it. BUT, NOT until you have addressed ALL the issues that you are presently going through. It sounds like you have a stand up kind of guy there. I mean really how many guys will actually go through what your husband is going through unless he loves you. And it does sound like your husband LOVES you. You'd better keep him around as a GOOD husband is not found easily now-a-days. This being as they are all taken. You sound like a good person and give it time, you will learn to appreciate him and address all the issues. Once done I think you will find that there IS love there. Good Luck with all. MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

well let it go. life is like sand if you let it go it goes but, even if you grasp it still it goes.
just ask a simple question from yourself:-
can you live without your marriage? if yes then will it be good for you as ur home environment if not good.
if no then will u be able to adjust?

don't look back, move ahead. ur parents family was not supportive so moved on now u can't go back. moreover u can take care of what you have but u can't be sure of future.

at last if you think that your man is good enough to carry on then let it go.
Good Luck.
God bless You.

Answer 8

I think that love is a choice and it is not a gushy feeling. It requires effort. People that marry because they are in love often fall out of love but if they did not se love as feeling so much they would choose to continue loving the person. I think your marriage is already a great success my dear. Do not cash it in for gooey feelings because they fade.

Answer 9

i'm glad that he's being supportive of you, that is a major factor in things. really, the sucess of your marriage entirely depends on what you and your husband's expectations are. if you don't love him, but you do want to find love elsewhere, then things most likely will not work out. but if you are both content with being in a marriage without love, then there's a chance that things could work out for you. best of luck to you.

Answer 10

I really dont think your marriage is doomed. It sounds like your starting a whole new fresh life and he is a part of that. Stick with therapy and stay by your husband, you may realize that you are truly in love with him.