How to handle mother in law who tries to control my husband and our family?

Question

I am very dipressed with this situation. My father in law is very abusive and agressive towards all of us in our family. So, i dont wish that he comes and stays with us. But now, my mother in law tries to convince my husband with her emotions that she wants to be with her grandkids and as my father in law is very abusive towards her, it's his son duty to keep him happy in all condition. So, She expects that my husband should explain me that I should forget the things happened in past and should adjsut with my father and mother in laws if i have real love for my husband. I am very much worried as my husband just listens to his Mom and he many times assures her by telling that she is more important to him than myself. So, I dont see any chance that he will restrict my father in law to stay with us and i already suffered a lot in past because of them. Please, help me out.

Answer 1

Talk to your husband and make sure you both understand that as a wife and husband, you guys come first in life. Not parents. Your husband should put you first and his mother second. That will be essential for a successful relationship.

Answer 2

Looks like your's is a love marriage and result is that both ur inlaws are abusive. In 2day's world it very diificult 2 get good loving in-laws. However U can solve this problem yourself by being a loving and caring daughter-in-law much against ur wish. Try it and U will be succesful. Try 2 learn what ur inlaw's like. Ask ur husband to bring things they like... food items, clothes and any little thing they like. Take them out to the movies or 2 watch dramas once in month. Keep talking 2 them sweetly and do little things U would have done 4 ur parents and this will change their attitude towards U. One more thing for God's sake dont complain 2 ur husband about anything that happens in the house the moment he returns home from work. This will spoil his mood and he will become irritating. By not complaining the chances R that he will respect U and come 2 ur rescue when U need it most. Try 2 forget the past and start fresh and I am sure things will be more peaceful in the days 2 come. God bless U all.

Answer 3

Alrighty, I think that you need to talk to your husband about your feelings toward your inlaws, it takes willingness from both sides to forget the past, and obviously you are not ready for this encounter, tell your husband that your kids can go and visit with in a hotel or something, you should not have to be put in a situation where you are uncomfortable, in fact your husband needs to understand that he should make it clear to your MIL that she does not come first, its even in the bible, once you're married its children, spouse and then parents, sure they shouldnt be neglected, but if you neglect a spouse for your parents, thats when you know its wrong, he needs to understand that it is easier to lose a spouse than it is parents(family) they are obviously still there after your last fall outs. And you need to tell your husband that you are not ready to be around them, yes you can allow your children to visit with their grandparents, since the fight is after all only between you and the inlaws, but if there is any chance of ugly in any encounter, you shouldnt be put in that, you can get advice from those who are also in your situation because of christmas and everything, www.ihatemyinlaws.com the people on here are very understanding and will help you, or you can just see what others do and use it towards your own situation, good luck hun I hope things get better before they get worse, stay safe.

Answer 4

It's so sad to read this, specially when you married somebody who was supposed to be in love with you. I think you should sit down and speak to your husband. Tell him, you already have a family of your own. Tell him, that you understand your parents in law possition, but you also need to have privacy and be comfortable in your own place. Let him know, it's not that you are being mean with your mother in law; it's just a natural state of human being: to make their own life, the same way your parents and your parents in law made their own.
I hope it helps, may you begin 2007 with good news!

Answer 5

Your husband should put you and your feelings first. That's what happens when you get married. You and your spouse are a new family and should be his first priority. Talk to him about how deeply this worries you. Maybe you could compromise and go visit them. That way you have control over how long you stay. Maybe just take the kids to visit for 1 day....that way all parties get a bit of what they want. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband. YOU should be first in his life, not his mother/father. Your KIDS come first too. Your husband should not want to expose either of you to his abusive father. I would make sure my visits with them were in a public place, not in my home, so he will temper himself. Tell your husband that until he can work out a more pleasant situation for you and the kids to visit with the inlaws, he can visit with them alone. I don't blame you one bit. If he won't protect you from his parents, he won't protect you from anyone. But you don't have to take it, honey. Godloveya.

Answer 7

I feel for you,your in a strange situation. Jesus said a man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife and these two shall become as one. Your husband is going to have to stand up to his dad and your going to have to support him alot when he does. He hasn't lift them yet and until he does your problems will continue to exsist.His father gets his way by violence and his mother by crying, same as mine. When I realized this I made my mind up I'll be respected or they can leave me alone. Their not going to like this and their behavior will explode with every quilt trip they can conjure. The less comunication with them after you put your foot down and tell them this interfering won't be accepted in your family anymore, will be best. Phone calls should be cut short and conversation on money matters excluded . Talk with a proffesionl counselor about some ideas on this and GOD BLESS YOU. It's not going to be easy.

Answer 8

All the world over meaning of Mother is the same. You please note that u r also a mother. The life u r going to spend with your husband is longer than the time his parents will be with him. You are getting too much worried over the short period trends in life which is longer than situations. In our life we got to adjust with the wanted and unwanted things. Follow a policy that I TAKE WHAT I GET with respect to relationships and I GET WHAT I WANT with respect to Targets. Your immediate target is to give good life and manners to your children, not tackling the unhappy relationships. Learn to live with both happiness and unhappiness. that makes life. Your husband and Children are happy part and the rest is unhappy part. Mixture or Good and Bad makes life. Not all the good things alone. When you start to care Good, Bad and Ugly portions surface. Instead concentrate to get the best out of Good, bear with bad, avoid ugly. All is in your mind set. Let old mother live with son, and don't take it to heart. After all u r also going to live with your children some day. you can't live as a detached mother. Peep into your future and put yourself in your in laws position. Then u will be able to taste the bad, bitter items also, still life can be peaceful. Change your mind set. This message is to all people who think they are facing unwanted situations. Living is a great art. Not always you draw good pictures. Learn to live with changed mindset, Living is for happiness, not for feeeling depressed. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I understand you my dear....dont let anybody to control ur family you are the parents you have a right to manage that...be practical just think the future think the negative and positive results but sad to say for me the results of ur problem is negative if ypu let ur mother in law to take ur responsibilities as a mother as a wife if it is happened thats the times ur children cannot respect you and believe u anymore,som im gonna to tell you just frunked talk to your mother in law but first talk to your husband..Dont think that ur mother in law is important to him than you.he loves you make ur family happy tell your husband what you want, live faraway from ur parents in law stand with your own feet together with ur husband and kids.Up to you if you agreed my advice because i really experience that...i realized thats why i do i make a right way so my family now are happ and my parents in law are realized their mistake....I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE UR OWN PLAN....i just wanna leave tjis message" THINK THE FUTURE NOT THE PRESENT"

Answer 10

You are in a really bad situation, Your father in law (FIL) is an abusive character, and your mother in law, (MIL) is passively aggressive, since she cannot openly confront her own husband, and has lived a miserable life all through out, as a daughter in law in her young days, she expects you to do the same. Your husband is chained with all the cultural ties and is completey knoted up, YOur MIL is taking your husband on a guilt trip, and he is on an emotional roller coster.
We are all responsible for our own happiness.

If you FIL is expecting everyone to give him what he wants (control) to keep him under control and power, which is his way of gettig happiness, he is a failure, he has done this through out his life and he is still continueing to do so, is still miserable.

Your MIL wants her security, protection and happiness by asking her son (your husband) which is agian depending on everyone else but her, will never get happiness, because she is making eveyone's life miserable around her, (i am miserable so you be miserable too)
Your husband, is also a weak personality unable to stand up for his role, opinion, and life, is torn between his past (mother) and future (wife).
YOu are at least smart to send this post on Yahoo, to find out what to do? YOu are responsible for your own life, ask yourself what do your want out of your own life? This is your life, and you alone know this answer. Do your want to live under oppression ( your FIL, YOur MIL, and your husband ) If your husband thinks that it is his duty to take care of his parents, let him full fill his duties and then live with you, I know i am not giving you answer you dont want to hear, What i am asking you, is the stupid rules of a culture takes away a persons simple smile from day to day life, what use is it???
You have to battle for your happiness on a moment to moment basis, you hve to listen to everyone around except you! Do you call this life?? How long do you think you can take care of everyone, are you a wife, or a maid servant to take care of everyone s happiness?
Your MIL and FIL should understand that you and your husband need privacy, they can live in seperate house while you can still take care of them, there should be spaces in togetherness.
Or if they want to stay in your house then tell them the rules of the house will change, everyone will share the household work, expenses will be shared, you need time out with your husband and children, communication will be open, and there will be respect for differences. They need to know that you also have a life to live, you will have some private time for yourself, and everyone has the right to be entertained, you will have your friends and they will have theirs.
Usually when relatives start walking over eachothers feet the trouble starts. Hence clear boundries should be drawn.
You have to make changes, and get what you want. YOUr
FIL cannot control you, he can control only his wife, If there is violence call the police, there are new laws passed so take help.