Does anyone have any advice as to how I can deal with my boyfriend's son being at the house for a week?

Question

I have a long history of problems with my BF's son. The boy is learning and emotionally disabled. He has problems with EVERYONE not just me.He is 12 but has the social emotional and academic skills of a 7 or 8 year old. His mother is going away he week after Christmas and wont take him. No one else in the family will take him for the week..of course my BF dosent know why.So hes coming here. He is disrespectful to me quite often. My BF overindulges him,and is in denial about his problems, just blames everyone else.(see my other ? for details if u want) He goes to therapy sporadically.Anyway, I have just been avoiding him when he is here.I am realing more and more my BF is causing a lot of this, and I am close to asking him to move.There is no way I can say he cant come here, he has no other place to go. I know my BF should move out and deal with him, but right now I am just worried about next week.Before you call me selfish, realize he has been physically aggressive toward me in th past

I have cried over how this kid treats me I have also totally exploded at him and my BF over it..the kid ruined last Christmas by refusing to turn the TV down,,,he had so loud that it impossible to talk at all in the room. BF said I was picking on him.Finally I turned the TV down, BF and I got in big fight.After the kid went home, I told him if the he keeps encouraging the him to disrespect me he could visit with him somewhere else.The Tv is now kept at a reasonable level.

Answer 1

First, a reality check. I don't call you selfish. However, you are the girlfriend not the mother. The boy is the son not some stranger. You knew he had a son before you allowed the boyfriend to move in. When you did you accepted the father and the son into the house. The son is going to trump you every time. He's the son. He should come first. If you can't handle that then you really have to re-evaluate the relationship.

Being "the other woman" in dads life will, unfortunately, earn you nothing at this point. Does he really even know you? Stop avoiding him. That's just childish and changes nothing. The boy will be jealous of you. You see his dad more than he does. The boy will resent you. You get more of dads attention because you live together. The boy doesn't want a new mom, and you shouldn't presume to be that. That's just the way it is.

You need to form a healthy relationship with this kid. It won't be easy, but in the long run it will make life easier. You and your boyfriend are living together so there must be some long range goals. Don't explode at the boy. He wins. Nothing changes except the boy feels like he has more power in the house then you.

Did the boy really ruin Christmas just because the tv was too loud? I'm guessing there must have been something else. I'm hoping there is something else. If that's all it took to ruin Christmas then you do need to have a chat with the mirror. He can only ruin Christmas is you allow him to spoil it for you.

Somepart of the boy may have wanted to ruin Christmas. He wants dads attention. He wants things to be the way they were (assuming mom and dad were ever together). He's acting out and only mom and dad can resolve that.

Having said that. Your boyfriend may be overcompensating because of the guilt of not being there everyday for his son. He feels guilty and therefore ignores actions in his son that he would not ignore in other kids.

You need to make him understand that the child does not need overindulgence. Overindulgance does not replace love. He doesn't need bad habits and inconsideration to be overlooked. It doesn't help the boy now. It certainly won't help the boy grow into a good man.

The boy doesn't need therapy. That's such a cop out. He needs a mother and a father who aren't together but remember they are parents first and to bloody well act like parents, not the boys best friend.

You are in a no win situation for a while. It can get better if you form a healthy relationship with the boy and the boyfriend starts acting like a dad. If the dad doesn't change, the boy won't change.

Wow, I relly went on.

Answer 2

You are not selfish! Is it possible you could go to a therapy session with him and your BF? The best you can do for both of you is have firm and consistent boundaries of the behavior you will accept. Rewards for respecting those boundaries and consequences for not. Ideally this would all be explained before he visits. For your own safety please make it clear that if he is physically aggressive he and your BF will have to stay somewhere else - hotel etc. If you are alone with him and really need help or a break consider respite care, having someone come in for a few hours. If he is pretty good in social settings try to plan getting out as you can.

Wishing you lots of Good Luck that everything goes smoothly

Answer 3

Girl, I went through the same exact thing with my stepson since he was 10 and a half until he was 14, now he is 16. Finally when he turned 15, my hell broke loose. I wanted to turn his *** inside out, but he's lucky he's only my stepson and I love his father, but I did confront him in a mature adult way. I talked to him in a very firm voice though, this surprised him coz I've always been a saint no matter how cocky, lazy, and unappreciative he was. Now he knows not to DISRESPECT and who is the ADULT in the house. I told him that "I love his father, I married him and not you" "If he cannot accept me as his stepmother than it's his problem and if he wants to disrespect, I'll do the same" When he got the taste of his own medicine he never messed with me ever since. You need to bring out your whips and chains sometimes that's the key or they will continue to treat you like a door mat. They need to learn RESPECT. Now my stepson does his own laundry, keeps his room clean, washes his own bed sheets, helps take out the trash, mow the lawn etc. He even brought up his school grades.Then if he keeps up the good attitude and good grades, I take him out for a treat for ice cream, jamba juice, movies, starbucks, let him play his XBOX, give him allowances, sleep over his friends house, etc. If he acts like an asshole he don't get crap, he'll get his cell phone and tv previleges taken away and be grounded for a month. You need to show you are strong and be firm when you speak. My husband was too soft on him and I did not like the fact that his son took advantage of it. I told him that I love his dad and as long as I'm here I will make sure he doesn't treat me and especially his dad like ****. You and your husband is THE BOSS (the parents)!!! Good luck!

Answer 4

It is time for your bf to move out and get his own place.
It is common for absentee fathers to not have a good sense of their children's behaviour.
they over indulge and look the other way, because they don't spend much time with the child and don't want to come down too hard on them when they do visit.
the fact that he lets him disrespect you and your home is another total problem.
I had a similar problem and took the kid and read him the riot act while he was in my house.
when the parent got mad at me, I told them, someone has to disciple him and that I would not tolerate this behaviour...
To this day, the kid who is now a man respects me and loves me for giving him boundaries and not taking any guff.
you need to put your foot down and do what is necessary.
Why should his lack of parenting skills and understanding for his childs needs upset your holidays and household.
I would not let him come.. I would have the bf get a hotel room and take him there, somewhere with a pool, so the boy could be occupied and burn off some energy. Invite them for Christmas dinner.
this boy is looking for attention and his father is not giving him what he needs. He is acting out at you because he seeks attention.. He does not hate you, he is a child, remember that and show him affection rather than malice.
it is time for your bf to stand up and grow up and take on his responsibility, it is not yours to handle.
Make it clear to him, he handles it correctly or the child doesn't come.
Also , I think your bf is immature and maybe it is time for him to be on his own. You are taking care of him and he is not standing on his own two feet.
you sound like you have it together.
where are the grandparents in all this.??????

Answer 5

I would say it is time for a vacation. You can't tell your boyfriend no, because he has no where else to go, but there is nothing saying you can't get out of there. Even if you can't get time off from work, just find a friend you can stay with or get a hotel room for a while. Let your boyfriend know how you feel and get out of there. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Answer 6

Well....since you have let him (BF) move in ....you have to realize he is a package deal. Is there no where you could take a little vacation (alone) for the week?...Afterwards it sounds like you need to seriously consider where this is going. If your BF is unable to see that he is not doing his son any favors by letting him tromp on others, maybe it would just be a better situation until his son is grown to go it alone.

Answer 7

You know what? I don't think your bf is acting kindly toward you. Your feelings matter. Unfortunately it sounds like if your going to stay with the bf you better accept this situation because it's not likely to change.Stick to your guns, your right. This sounds like a horrible situation but you can put an end to the mistreatment of you.

Answer 8

Could he be using the child to control you? He is clearly spoiling his son. His son is clearly enjoying it. IMO don't react to either. Put it all back in dad's lap....it is also probably confusing to the child that you are not married but don't take this as an excuse a child is to mind authority figures period....no matter what the title.

Once to the child - "will you please reach over and turn the tv down"

If not ask his father to do it.

Answer 9

i feel bad for you .you shouldn't have to deal with that in your own home.is this kid on any medication.there seems to be no hope for you and your boyfriend if he denies something is wrong with his son.what if you ever had a baby with this guy.what would this kid do.its too bad this kid needs help.if you really don't want to deal with this then its time to end it.do you have somewhere you can go for Christmas? or how about your boyfriend.if not just try to deal with this for now and after Christmas end it.and your boyfriend should care if his son shows you respect.im sorry but this sounds like a no win for you.

Answer 10

It seems like your boyfriends son is causing problems.
I know it is hard but try not to let this child come between you and
your boyfriend especially if you love him.
I know what you are going through,I have been there.At times I was so frustrated I would just cry and it would cause problems
between us.
The child will not be there forever,just try to get along with him
untill he goes.