am I financing too much of stepsons world traveling?

Question

I recently married a man with a 17 yr old son, My husband is retiered military, who returned to school full time and I work full time. I also bring 3 children to the marriage(ages13,9an7). I bring home 70K a yr. the step son does not work at all, has a car, is going on his senior class trip to italy, at a cost of $2200,as a graduation gift he is flying out to LA to see old friends and now wants us to also foot the bill for a summer trip to spain this summer. His car insurance is high 2'd to speeding tix's, we paid those also! My new in laws are well off, and have made it clear there are no provisions in their will for me and mine, just the "family"
well would it be out of line to suggest that the grandparents kick in for some of this globe trotting? I have maintained a budget,gone without dental care that I need and pray nothing happens to upset my monthly budget, then is walks diamond Jim, and Big Daddy just cant say no.Hubbys argument is the other 3 will get the same someday,!??

Answer 1

I think if you have to ask, you already know the answer.


Tell the boy to grow up, if he wants to play, he's gonna have to pay. The world won't be handed to him and he needs a job.



How is he EVER going to learn some responsibilty. Dad, grow some balls so your son can be a man.

Answer 2

If you want to gift this son the trip AND you can afford to do so then that is one thing. Does he deserve it by his actions? Maybe... but my gut says "not".

Being a parent is about teaching a child how to develop tools to survive on their own power some day and do it while showing some care and concern for their well-being. I don't want to beat up on you because many parents do this without thinking it through but here are a few things I would ask myself:

1. By paying his speeding tickets, did he learn how to drive safer from the experience of having to sacrifice your hard earned money to pay for his mistakes?

2. Would he not appreciated more going to Spain, Italy, and LA if you guys said. "We will help you to do this if we see you are putting forth an effort to EARN the right to go. How about we match what funds you put together to go." and see what happens? Maybe he couldn't afford to do all three things and would have to choose. Kinda sounds like what bills should I incur and balance that with my wages right???

3. Maybe the grandparents are stingy with their money.... but just maybe they have lived long enough to know they should not spend their money on reinforcing their grandkids to not set achievable goals that they participate in making come true.

The job of a parent is to be one. What I am hearing Mom is that you do not have a voice to be assertive enough to say no or set healthy boundries and consequences for inapropriate behavior. What I see from Dad's reaction is that he wants to be someone's buddy not a parent either. Whatever you decide, the two of you should be in agreement and not let the kids drive the agenda. Kids get into trouble because parents are too strict and just as common are those who stray when there is no structure at all. The lessons learned while still a child are better to instill because failures are not life-altering. If it is their first time to learn these lessons later in life because of mis-steps off the path they wil have much larger consequences. (Teach them the small lessons and the big ones will take care of themselves)

Remember this as well... your other kids are watching closely their big brother on how their standard will be set and what they will get away with. There are support groups to improve your assertiveness in a loving way. It is a wonderful education and it might save you lots of grief.

Hope that helps,

Good luck

Answer 3

If you are the only one working, you should have the say of your budget. First of all get your teeth looked after since they are important in your healt. If stepson is going all over already like out west and to Italy, let him learn that money doesn't grow on trees, and let him get a Job during his summer vacation,if he goes back to school this fall. Tell your hubby you have to look after your children too,and maybe save some money for there education.Good luck .And Happy Season

Answer 4

Talk about a rock and a hard place...I feel for you. What to do, what to do. Well, anything you do will probably be wrong. But first I'd take care of the things I had to take care of...and then I'd just tell him...I don't make that kind of money. To have to pay all the bills you have to pay and just to shell it out to a spoiled kid...it just aint happening. There's nothing wrong with telling him since he's too lazy to get a job...and don't tell me he can't get SOME kind of a job...don't tell me he can't at least TRY to do something to help out...to ask grandma and grandpa. That's what they are there for. But you know, when your kids come to that age, they are going to have to at least TRY to help themselves. Or it's going to look like you are the wicked step-mother. This should be a good lesson for the younger ones. Tell them that things will come up that they are going to want to do and you will expect them to be more responsible. Good luck...you are going to need it...but just know, before long, he will be gone...hopefully, and it'll be over...then you will have something else to worry about, lol.

Answer 5

WTF!?!?!?
Italy, LA trip, etc..??
Surrre, he saved you'all all those bucks with that Ivy league scholarship, right? Or is the NBA or MLB after him.... pita grandparent$ are a bonus, if they live far enough.. 3 kids+ can consume $70k in a hurry..(ya I know you knew that).... Good luck though..

Answer 6

Use your money and go to the dentist. Let his father pay if he chooses. Don't insist on anything from the grandparents. Just be polite and hopefully eventually they will see that you are a good person. And, don't be a door mat or they will not respect you.

Answer 7

Take care of yourself...go to the dentist. He is old enough to have a job, it sounds like you are being used by more than 1 person.