My 7 year old step son said that he doesn't care if he gets in trouble. What should we do?

Question

My step son is very bright but has behavior issues. We try positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. But, he wants to do things his way and doesn't care if he gets into trouble- he said so himself. What should we do?

Answer 1

Don't give in by giving him negative attention. Praise him when he is good. Teach him patience by being patient with him. If he screams or acts difficult in public, simply take him outside immediately and tell him you cannot go back in until he has calmed himself down. Help him do that. The praise is the most important thing. Of course he cares if he gets into trouble; perhaps he is simply frustrated about something. Talk to him. It isn't always rebellion. If he's very bright, he may just feel he cannot get out his thoughts enough with you. Spend time each day playing a game, chatting, letting him go online to children's game sites. Stay there with him. Even if it's only for 10 minutes. He may just need an extra boost to relieve his frustration and occupy his brain. If he acts like this at home, tell him you cannot speak to him unless he calms down. Teach him to calm down with breathing exercises when he goes to sleep at night. Let him know his biological parents love him more than anything. Nothing would teach him a sense of empathy better. As soon as you begin to praise more, and consistently when he is acting well, he will, as with all of us, strive to get that positive attention. Discipline and boundaries are necessary, but I don't believe in 'punishment'. He is little, he gets frustrated. Teach him how to vent in a healthy manner. If he is out-of-control, take him to his room and sit with him. Tell him you cannot help if he doesn't tell you what's wrong. Perhaps he is a little OCD about doing things his way because he is trying to control his world after the trauma of a divorce (or death in the family). Punishment will only strengthen that need for control, especially at time when he is feeling pulled between you and his biological parents. Being away from his mother/father and not knowing how to vent his aggression in a healthier manner are huge contributing factors. Let him know he can trust you implicitly. Never speak ill words about his mother/father. Understand that he may be difficult for a while because he needs to get used to you. Playing with him and having patience will make him realize you are not a threat.

Answer 2

I agree that you shouldn't hit him - so many people here at Parenting seem to think that it is the answer for everything... I honestly do not think that you can do much without at least getting his dad on board to be consistent. Even better would be if his mum put some structure and discipline into his life, but I can see that you are probably not going to get anywhere with that one. This kid has a very much less than ideal situation, and what he is expressing is absolutely what you would expect from what you have described. One thing I would do would be to try and develop a relationship with him outside of everything else. I know that you are very pushed, but if you want things to improve I think that this may be the only way. I would find something to do with him for a couple of hours (swimming perhaps?) where it is just you and him. At first it may be that he is 'ungrateful' and uncommunicative, but I think that if you were consistent you would find that he starts to open up to you. You would have to be reliable with this - inconsistency and being let down is a good way to produce a child who behaves the way he does. It sounds like he may have had some of that already.

Answer 3

When u say step son, I have a question.How long ago did u just entered his life? He may be having problems accepting to his new parent, who is u. He might feel that you are taking his actual parent away from him or maybe trying to replace his original parents. Either ways, what u need to do is sit down and have a small talk with him. let him know that you really care for him like your own and you'll be there for him whenever he needs you. As for the trouble part, maybe the age of 7 is a bit too young to be thinking of consequences resulting in mischief. when u say negative reinforcement, did u punish him or something? i think, as crazy as this may sound, sometimes we need to let kids have a taste of his own medicine. next time he gets into trouble, let him be. let him get the punishment from his teacher or better still, if he gets into trouble outside, let the police handle it a bit longer before you come and get him. Instill some fear in him. perhaps it might help.after the authorities handle him, have a talk with him telling him that it could be worse when his parents doesn't come and get him. I don't know about your country but in Singapore there are some shows showing kids who misbehave and what they they get by getting into trouble. They get suspended from school and they get thrown into boy's homes where kids with worse attitudes are there. One wrong move and he can get beaten up into a pulp there. tell him that he wouldn't want that happening to him and there are people, mainly u who stilll loves him and cares for him. ok? good luck and merry x mas.

Answer 4

Going through this with my 16 year old stepson now. He's been like this for years and years. At this point, all we can do is let him deal with the consequences of his actions. If that means suspension from school, so be it. His diploma,not ours. If that means jail time, so be it. His nightmare,not ours. It sounds harsh, but after years of this,it's about all we have left.
Hopefully, at 7 years old, a good scare will straighten him up quick. Maybe take him on a trip to the local jail to show him how people live when they refuse to follow the rules. Might help? Couldn't hurt. Definitely a scary place for a 7 year old.
Good luck!

Answer 5

Make sure the punishment fits the crime, consistently. Find at least three things everyday to praise him on. Say "I love you" everyday.
A child that says he doesn't care if he gets into trouble either thinks that his parents don't care about him, or lacks discipline. Kids in divorce situations need a lot of assurance that they are loved and won't be left as their parent was in the divorce. They also need to be constantly assured that their biological parent has not found a replacement for them as they did for the other parent.

Answer 6

Many times we as both children and adults say things out of anger that we don't really mean. I would say just tell him how that hurts your feelings and ask him if he would be willing to talk about it. Most kids at that age don't mean anything they say but say things as we do at the heat of the moment to get back at the person we feel is attacking us. Just give him a chance to explain himself.

Answer 7

Keep a sticker chart. Go out and buy a pack or two of stickapottomas stckers and a chart. Give him a sticker when he is obediant, take them away when he is disobediant. Reward him with a treat. He will learn to be obediant soon enough.

Answer 8

Find something he does care about and take it away when he is naughty. Is it computer priviledges, or a trip to the park? Also just for kicks, try asking him how he would punish himself for being naughty. You may be surprised to see what he says.

Answer 9

A little bit of tough love is in order. Alot of kids-most kids you can use psychology on. You can use the time outs and taking away privileges. Some kids it takes a bit more. Get on those back pockets as my grandparents used to call it. Let him realize that there are concequences to his actions. I dont believe in child abuse yet i dont think a spanking done in the correct way is abuse.
Alot of people here are saying let him deal with his actions, let him experience getting into trouble, let him get locked up in jail, yada yada yada. Only problem is since hes only 7 society isnt gonna hold him responsible, they are gonna be looking at you since you are the parents. He goes and knocks out the neighbors window or keys their car they arent gonna come after him to pay for it, they are gonna come after YOU.
How can spanking children be wrong when it worked for my parents generation, it worked for my grandparents generation, it worked for their parents generation and it worked on me? It taught me right and wrong, it got my attention when i got out of line, it taught me to respect my parents. Why all of a sudden is spanking wrong?

Answer 10

He's lying. He really cares if he gets in trouble, and he's just saying that to see if you'll fold. Continue to use your discipline and ignore those sorts of comments. Kids at this age are very interested in how their parents feel about them and want their approval, whether they say so or not. What he's doing is merely a manipulation tactic.