Please Help if you Can?

Question

My neighbor just killed himself. He was in standoff with the police and he used the gun on himself. He was a very lonely guy and my family and I always tried to reach out to him. But tonight he killed himself. I don't know how to handle this. It only happened about two hours ago. At the moment I am the only one home and have nobody to talk to. Does anybody have any advice on how to handle this? Please guys, my heart is really hurting here. He was so depressed and so lonely and I feel so horrible about not noticing it. Can anyone give me advice on how I am supposed to handle this? Please.

I just can't stop crying.

Answer 1

Hon, sometimes people just can't help themselves, that no matter how much other people care for them they can live in a very dark world all their own. It is never about you or what you did, it is about them and how they can't live with all the darkness that fill their heads. I personally believe that once these people die, that they are given extra special care on the other side, because their life was just far too difficult for them. It is truly heartbreaking to know that someone has taken their own life. The truth is hon, that nobody can fix anybody else. That people have to want to be fixed. Your family did what they could and offered him grace and tried to help. Know that you did what you could and that it really was his choice, and he is no longer in pain. Best to you.

Answer 2

My Steve committed suicide by shooting himself just over a year ago, and it was a very scary experience. One thing to know up front is that the sheriff's office (or police, depending whether it is urban or rural) and the coroner's office know what to do. If they are still hanging around, see if you can get someone's attention and get his or her business card.

The second thing is to realize that there is absolutely no point in mulling over "what if." People always do that: what if I had said something different to him? What if I had gone over to visit him more often? Any branching of the chain of cause and effect might have led to a different conclusion, but so what? The same is true of every event in our lives, however minor. You cannot know what might have happened; you can only know what did happen.

The next thing is that, however hard it may be to accept, suicide is a personal decision of the person who commits it. No one "drove him crazy" or "pushed him into it." There's not even anyone who needs consider themselves to have neglected him. He was a lonely guy because he did not have good communication skills, or because he preferred his privacy, or for some other reason you can't even guess. As his neighbor, you were even less responsible for him than I was with Steve my [ex-]husband. And the fact is, I even knew what he was planning, and still could not stop him.

People commit suicide for reasons that remain a mystery, even when they tell it in a note or a phone message, or whatever. They don't know themselves what all the reasons are. And once they are gone, we can't ask (except in very unreliable ways). We like to help people when we can, and you say your family tried to reach out. But sometimes there really is nothing you can do.

So go have a cup of tea or whatever soothes you the most, and see if there isn't anyone you can call to talk to. Do you belong to any religious organization, where there is a priest or rabbi or someone you can call when you need help? If not, consider calling the "suicide prevention" number in your phone book. In addition to people who are contemplating suicide, they know how to talk to people who are the survivors of someone else's suicide. Just explain what happened in a few words when you call, and add, "So who would you recommend I talk to." Probably, the person who answered the phone will say, "you can talk to me."

Express your confusion at dealing with such a horrible and unexpected event. Listen to the practical recommendations about how to get through the period of time until the rest of your family gets home and you can talk it over with them.

And if you are of the sort to do so, say a prayer for your neighbor that his unhappiness and confusion are at an end, and he resides in the Clear Light now. You may have other vocabulary, but the reality is the same: we do not know what comes next, but we have reason to believe it is not just nothing at all. Leave off the part about sin and judgment: you can't be sure, and it's better to be optimistic.

Answer 3

You do need a real and dependable person near you if at all possible, although I'm sure that this community will rally round you. So, whatever the time of day or night, phone a friend or relative and ask them to come over. Apart from anything else, the police are likely to want to talk to you soon and you need to have a support person close to you. And you need to see your doctor as soon a practically possible because this is bound to have a traumatic effect on you and you may have difficulty sleeping, etc. - sensible action on that front now will reduce the likelihood of more severe post-traumatic stress affecting you later.

You wouldn't be human if you weren't tearing your heart out wondering whether there was anything that you could have done. But from what you say, I'm sure that you already tried - you did at least notice that he was lonely, and you and your family tried to reach him. The hard fact is that sometimes people are driven to the edge and there is nothing that anyone else can do to stop it, although they may love and care for them beyond measure.

It may help to write down or otherwise record what you're feeling by talking into a tape-recorder ... I don't think that advice would work for everyone but it could for some. Also, if you find yourself overcome with bursts of anger against him, let them out - they also are natural. (In some cultures, they don't bury the body until everyone close has made his or her peace and if that involves expressing some anger that's regarded as perfectly allowable also).

If you have any religious faith - preferably the non-judgemental sort - try being with his soul as it begins its journey to heaven, leaving its pain behind.

Don't be tempted to drink too much alcohol, please - it may seem like a quick road to forgetting but it isn't; you'll feel horrible tomorrow and you won't be much help to the police. But one or two soothing glasses taken at a reasonable pace is perfectly OK if that's what you're used to.

Now, more than anything - get someone to come and be with you, and I'm sure you'll get lots of answers from people who will be trying to help you with this searing pain. Take things one moment at a time and please feel the support.

With much love.

Answer 4

To feel sadness at the loss of a life is one thing. Makes you human. But we can't fix other people Hun. We can feel for the people around us, we can do the right things but at the end of the day the only choices and decisions we make are within our own lives. You handle it by learning living and going on, he made a decision to stop doing that. You didn't. Hard to accept the fact sometimes but we can't fix or change the path of the people in or around our lives. You did what you could with what you knew, you responded to the situation at the moment with the gifts you posses. If that causes you pain or sorrow do what you can to learn to offer what help you can when other people may be in a similar position, just know your happiness and contentment rest in your hands, and not anywhere else. Perhaps if you could help more people come to that understanding there might be less resolutions like this one. Be well.

Answer 5

You can call your local health department or local guidence center. You have to understand that you couldn't of done anything. If he wanted to kill himself so badly, nothing you or anyone could do would of stopped him. He would of found a way. Whatever he was having problems with, the problems to him were so bad, he couldn't find any other way out except to end his life, end the pain and that was the only way he could do it. Please don't blame yourself. You did try to reach out to him. That is something. It's not your fault he didn't take the help. When people get certain things in their mind, nothing will change their mind or their thinking.

Answer 6

First of all, you have to realize that there's nothing you could have done and it is not your fault. You can't play the "If I had only been a better neighbor" game.

Take or leave this advice, but sometimes during moments of great stress and chaos, it is just better to do what you would normally do. If you had plans tonight, don't break them.

Answer 7

How scary! you need to call your parents right away and talk to them.. Just take deep breathes, put on the t.v. to distract you.. how old are you? you need to call some one you are close to to talk with. Suicide is horrible and it is the only way for severely depressed people to do.. They think that that is there only answer.. I have been through it and you feel helpless. Obviously this guy did something wrong and could not face the consequences..

Answer 8

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure there was nothing that you could have done. Maybe you could pray? You should not be alone right now so if you could go vivist a friend and talk or maybe a relative. Or you should call someone and talk. you definately should talk to someone. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 9

One of my sister's friends committed suicide about 25 years ago. My sister was beside herself. So many people were saying 'If only I had...'; 'What if...'.
My heart goes out to you. I truly wish that I can give you a big, comforting hug right now.

Answer 10

First off you can't blame yourself. Depression is very dangerous if not treated. I would talk to a counselor about your feelings.