dealing with significant family death?

Question

it's been 2 years since my grandfather died, and at random times I tend to either break down in sadness or frustration in the fact that he didn't tell us how long he had to live (only a few months, went by too quickly). Christmas was his birthday and it's been hard these last two years. He was a good man - family man (6 kids), businessman, community leader, well liked by the community, hard working man all around. still haven't found the right way to deal with his death, 2 years after the fact..I talked with legenday 49ers defensive end (?) Bubba Smith yesterday at my local Wal-Mart, and he being an ordaned minister, I asked his advice - he said to first of all talk about it online (which is what I'm doing now), do the best I can every day to honor him, and know that I have to find my OWN drive in life, not my grandfather's. It felt great at the time (got a nice photo with him) & the advice helped, but it's still a heavy time mentally for me now. how do I deal with all this emotion?

Answer 1

I understand.
Remember one thing that is said in the Bible

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
This means that people like me, your friends and family will be there to share and help you deal with this loss in your life.
I lost a son to SIDS 21 years ago and I still think of him and my loving family and friends help me through it.

You never get over it but you learn to deal with it.
All of God's Blessings strength to you in your loss and have a Blessed Christmas.
I know that is what my loving son would want be to do and I think that is what your loving Grandfather would want you to do.

Answer 2

Sorry for your loss! I had my Grandfather, Mother and then Grandmother all die within about 1 1/2 years of each other. I have an idea how it is going for you.
I relied heavily on God. I think Bubba Smith had great advice. Also, realize there is no time line on grieving. You have to allow yourself to go through it. I know it hurts, he sounds like he was a great man!!! Since his Birthday is this time of the year why don't you find a way of giving back if you are able. May be helping out at the local Homeless shelter or something that would have been meaningful for your Grandfather. I hope talking about him helped a little. Always keep the great memories of him close to you.
Take care and God bless you! I am saying a prayer for you tonight!

Answer 3

The emotion is always tough this time of year. And there probably wont ever be a time especially near his birthday when you won't think about him. However, I found that distractions are a nice way to help with the pain that scrapes away inside you. When the pain and the emotions seem a bit too much, engage in a game, movie or a book. If you are so lucky to have friends and family near by, do an activity with them. It helps to spend time with other people as sometims even listening to the mundane regurtitation (sp) of someones day is enough to take your mind off of an incredibly painful moment.

While distractions are nice when appropriate, don't forget to have a nice long cry or beating your head against something if you prefer not to cry. Releasing the pain and grieving is neccessary to reduce your struggles and to help you endure the emotions in the future. It sounds like you were really close. I still think of my mother every day and it has been 7 years. Her Birthday in the middle of Thanksgiving, the holidays were her favorite time of the year and she was the only one to bring the family together...Yes it is hard, but it does get easier, because you learn to remember them for all the wonderful things they were and al the wonderful things you learned from them. You take solace in the fact that you were fortunate enough to have a relationship and have a great memories and you continue to live life and incorporate a piece of him with you everyday.

Wow...that was a bit hallmarky for me, but it's the truthe.

Answer 4

I often say that death is the worst part of life. Because it is final! The end. No matter what we can not bring our loved ones back. And we do miss them, some more than others. One thing you can do, is remember him. Keep his memory alive, and when you are feeling sad about loosing him, cry! It is ok to cry, it is a very normal reaction to loss. The pain may never go away, however, know in your heart, how blessed you were to have him for the time that you did. I lost my first grandchild a little girl two years ago in January, just before her first birthday! I still miss her everyday! She was born with a brain disorder, and we knew every day was a gift from God. When I am feeling really down about it which is often and especially around the holidays and her birthday, the anniversary of her death. I remember her and honor her memory by speaking of the good times. Death is final, however, you are left with your memories. No one can take them away! Share memories with your family members, I am sure he would not want you to be sad! Good luck and God bless you, and just keep your spirits as high as possible, keep in mind all of the time you did have with him, those memories are price less! God bless****

Answer 5

Please don't be upset with him because he didn't "prepare" you all for his death....

Having to deal with the fact that your dying is such a huge burden let a lone trying not to let your family know how serious an illness is that you are so trying to deal with on your own. He must have been quite a great soul to want to save you all from that daily wait for death.

I believe this man was someone who mentored many people and made such a positive influence on so many peoples lives that they probably still would like to speak kindly of him and the impact that he made to so many others as a result of that kindness!

Maybe you could have some sort of Memorial Gathering inviting those people who you remember fondly of. I'm sure that if you made an event of sorts to those who wished to come and spend a night of Joy you'll have a great deal of planning to do! Why don't you start the seedling now and work through the year to make a Celebration of his Life Gathering next year?

It would help you to listen to all of the good he did and at the same time you can remember fondly of things that you had no idea he was responsible for i.e., saving famlies and keeping them together!!!

You can heal....others can heal....and you bet your bottom britches he will be there with you all in spirit and you can talk straight to him knowing he is there as that is one of those events that no soul can pass up nor is it allowed as we have a very kind God who can still help heal those alive and make those souls shine brighter than the brightest star when their lives are brought together to make still more people happy in their passing.

.........think about it and get to work cuz before you know it you'll be having the CELEBRATION...........

Answer 6

Nicholas, First let me say that I am sorry for your loss. My father died June 28 this year. Yes, their will be lots of frustration and loads of tears. I find the best way for me is going to the cemetery and just talking to him. Usually out loud. (You should see the looks I get). I tell him everything. It makes me feel like he is still here. I like to think that he hears every word I say. I thought that it would be hard to talk about him around others but I find that I love to tell stories about things he has said or done. Nothing will replace either my father or your grandfather having said that you need to find something that makes you feel better. Keep in mind that your grandfather would not be happy to know that you are spending so much time dwelling on him. He clearly didn't want to worry your family with his illness. So I really doubt that he would want you to be so unhappy. Hope this helps

Answer 7

It is very hard for anyone to give advice on how to deal with the death of a loved one. No matter how much time you have to say good bye to some one its just never enough time. He was a man that loved life and he would want you to do the same. I think you can honor him by remembering him but enjoying the holidays for yourself as much as possible. Christmas will never be the same without him but it will still come every year and you have to make it your Christmas now. Enjoy it just like Grandpa did. He is still living in you. So have a drink for Grandpa, eat a chocolate for Grandpa, eat a piece of pie for Grandpa, and sing a Christmas carol for Grandpa. Merry Christmas.

Answer 8

well first of all, My condolences to you. I am sorry for your loss. Talking with someone professionally may be of some help also. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. I lost my father 9 years ago to a sudden heart attack, and I get random rushes of saddness and despair out of left field sometimes. I never got to say "goodbye" it happened while I was away. It always hurts the most when someone dies before you get the chance to tell them just how much you really love them and appreciate them being in your life. But moving on and appreciating the life you have is the most important thing and respecting how he handled his life while he was here is also important. We all grieve in our own way and it is healthy to release your grief by talking about it and crying, or maybe putting together a scrapbook of all your good memories of him and the time you shared will be healing for you.
Hope this helps. I did them all, scrapbook, crying, talking to people and remembering.

Answer 9

I don't know what to tell you, but I feel like writing back to you. I am dealing right now with my 83 year old father, or should I say, undealing with it. He's old, sick and tired of being alive. I don't know how to deal with it, for the last year I've been aware he doesn't have too uch time left and the whole time I've been in denial and dealing with it by just ignoring it, however it always hurted when I would think of it. Right now we are spending a few weeks together and I've been very cold to everyone around me. It hurts so much to see him like this. I don't know how to act. I just want to pretend I am just me by myself. In the end, my father, mother, sister and husband get affected by this. I really can act it up and be cold. But I regret it. Its just easier not to break down and so sensitive.
I don't know how that helps you, but we are both dealing in some way with the same thing. Hopefully venting out will help.

Answer 10

My mother died on New Year's day in 1998 and I still miss her. She was like your grandpa - she was a sweet, loving lady - a grandmother of 5 - everyone loved her and still talk about the good times with her. I think that talking about the person you love who has left is a great healing tool. I don't think that communicating on line with strangers is the best method. I believe that talking face to face with people who knew and loved your grandfather is best. They probably feel the way you do and want to have someone to reminisce with, to cry with, to hug and not be ashamed to show feelings. My heart aches for you as I understand the pain you are feeling.