I have grown very attached to his daughter & really embraced my role in her life. She is shared between her mother & father & has a well balanced family life. My partner appreciates the effort i go to with his daughter which includes taking her to the park, playing, drawing, writing letters to santa, piggy back rides...you name it, i do it. His daughter has really taken to me & this is obvious to myself, my partner & his family.
The issue i have is i have a much more stern but fair approach to how she should be raised compared to her father. He is very relaxed & spoils the child with gifts & attention (when she does not deserve it, eg: when she is throwing a tantrum he will hug her because that is what she wants). I on the other hand believe that she should not be hugged, simply ignored untill she calms down & is ready to be reasoned with. I also believe that a child should not be spoiled with constant gift giving as they will grow up to expect things & never learn true appreciation.
2006-12-21 10:51:45 · 17 answers · asked by hittinmyhead 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
Its such a hard situation to be in. The frustrating part is he agrees with my opinions & ideas i put to him but fails to act upon it because his simply too soft. It is in his nature but he knows that guidance has to be given.
I know that this child has a mother & a father but i should not be the extra that has to keep out. If my opinion holds no value then what kind of relationship would that become. I may not be her mother but if i am trying to help & not being at all harmful to the child then why should i not try to give my partner the advice that he may just need to hear from someone who loves him & his daughter.
Just because somone is the bio parent does not mean they are doing everything the best way they could.
We want a future togethor so why does a ring on the finger then give the right to input? I believe that i have to work hard now to build a healthy relastionship with my partner & his daughter & not years down the ttrack when i have the ring..by then it would be to late
2006-12-21 12:01:31 · update #1
you don't have a say in how she is raised.. you are not the parent.. you aren't even married to the man. If you want him to take you seriously and value your opinion he needs to marry you and make you a part of the family.. even then the child is not really your concern because she's NOT YOUR daughter. Stay out of it.
2006-12-21 10:53:57 · answer #1 · answered by angie 4 · 5⤊ 1⤋
A ring on the finger still dosent give you any rights. You have no rights. You did not bring that little girl into this world. You are this mans girlfriend. Thats it plain and simple. Even if you did have a ring on your finger its not your place to say anything in regards to raising someone elses child. You keep talking about HIM respecting YOUR wishes, where is YOUR respect for HIS? If this is his nature then why try to change it. You may have some good ideas but all in all you have no legal or parental rights? Some might not raise their kids the best way that they could, but they raise them the best way that they know. You say she has a well balanced family life so it sounds like they are both doing a good enough job. Your relationship with him has nothing to do with how he decides to raise his own child. If thats a deal breaker for you then find someone who doesnt have kids.Neither my ex or I would ever let another be it a man or a woman, step in and think they have a say in how our kids are raised. Partners come and go, but a child is there forever.
2006-12-21 13:11:44 · answer #2 · answered by Darlin 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you and your partner decide to have children together then you and he talk about how you would like them raised but as far his 3 year old....you don't have a say. It's his child with someone else. You can offer advice and ideas on how to deal with her but it's up to him and her mother to talk about disciplining her. This is the reality of dating someone with children. Don't worry too much about it. She is loved by you all and that's the most important thing.
I do agree and hope that you are not just living with this man. Mothers/Fathers having live in partners is not appropriate especially for little girls.
2006-12-21 14:37:04 · answer #3 · answered by LuvMyGirls 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He really has the final decision. However, I think if the daughter is living with the both of you then you should have some say. And if this man respected you then he would listen to your opinion on the matter. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. While they don't live with us, we do discuss how to handle situations when they are visiting here. But in the end it comes down to how the father wants to deal with the child. BTW I do agree with your ideas in not spoiling the children.
2006-12-21 11:29:09 · answer #4 · answered by Mrs_M 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to stay out of how the child is raised, and only voice your opinions to your boyfriend in private.
If you try to dicipline the child, she will respond and do as you say now because she is 3, but she will grow to resent you, as she has a mother and father.
The only role you can have in her life is just to be her friend.
Give dad advice on how you think things should be, but he needs to be the one to give the dicipline to the child.
2006-12-21 15:11:24 · answer #5 · answered by rtlsimpson 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry hon this is not your child and you should have no say so in this matter whether or not she has "Taken" to you or not. Its not your place. For another thing you are only dating this man, you are not married to him. When you give birth to your own child, then you can have a say so in how she is raised and disciplined. Would you want another woman telling you how to raise your child? It's great that you are involved with her. All you can do is be her friend, dont ever try to be her mother, she already has one.
It is fine to give him your advice but dont expect him to take it. Its his child and if he wants to hug her more power to him. At least hes not abusing her.
2006-12-21 11:03:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
i am in a similiar situation, however i agree that it is not up to you how the child is raised once you are married if the child is living with you and your husband then yea that gives you more of a say but try to be her friend the best you can be. as she gets older it will be harder for you because she will want her parents back together. you will feel like a rug someone they can just walk all over don't let that happpen if you do you will NEVER get that respect back. good luck and god bless
2006-12-21 14:21:16 · answer #7 · answered by chiefs fan 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know exactly how you feel. My husband has two kids from a previous relationship and I have been going through the same thing. What you need to do is tell him how you feel and let him know you intentions he only wants to be a good father or doesn't want problems with the mother if you discipline the child. he really doesn't understand that it causes more problems for you when it comes to discipline. sit down with him and both of you write down on your own papers ways you think things should be handled and from those lists narrow it down.
GOOD LUCK
2006-12-21 10:59:47 · answer #8 · answered by ondike05 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I was reading some of the replies and would have to say that I was really shocked. You may not be the mother or even the step mom BUT he was the one who trusted you in his daughters life. Now to think about this a little differently. Lets say you are in the big sister program. You have a kid in your house. Would one say that its not OK for you to set certain boundaries?
My point is that it is OK for you to have your own relationship with her. Your own rules and boundaries with her. But as far as trying to make the Dad do things differently you shouldn't say any thing. He may see the difference in how she is with you. If he is OK with her acting up then just excuse your self when it happens and let him deal with it. If your by your self with her then do it how you would with any other children that you have had in your life..
You should think about getting married... She is going to grow up thinking that living with a man out of wed lock is OK...OK I'm a little old fashion on some things lol
Best of luck
2006-12-21 13:30:21 · answer #9 · answered by mrs.mom 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
your not the childs parent so you dont get a say, how would you feel if your ex's spouse was trying to move in and disipline your child? furthermore what could you possibly have in common with someone 13 yrs older than you.
also u seem to want to ask the question but u dont want to see the answers. almost everyone here has said the same thing so if you choose to ignore it then dont ask for advice
2006-12-21 13:16:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋