You are there
I see you when i close my eyes tight,
And even in the morning light.
When there is a smile on my face,
I am never far from your warm imbrace.
And when i kneel down at night for prayer,
You are almost always there.
So today I wanted you to see,
Just how much of a blessing you are to me.
*************************************************************
Is it good? What would you change about it?
2006-12-21 10:08:28 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It came from your heart right? Then it is perfect! Poetry is a form of expression and you did a wonderful job. It is your poetry and for anyone else to add to it or take away from it would change the meaning and sentiment. It sounds great and someone will be blessed to receive it from you. Merry Christmas
2006-12-21 10:13:16 · answer #1 · answered by Miss Crickett 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's OK if you're 15. Here's what I would change about it.
Overall: you are not tapping into the power of poetry. You have to write in such a way that before people understand the written word, they feel the deeper meaning.
The opening lines don't invoke any sense of warmth. You've got to go with something more melodious and a bit abstract:
My eyes when shut still seek your face
My skin stays cold without your embrace
That's what poetry is about: being abstract in words but concrete in meaning. Look at a previous answer of mine.
2006-12-21 18:23:25 · answer #2 · answered by Jeremy K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's very good! I wouldn't change a thing. Well, I might make it two or three paragraphs, or not, but other than that, I wouldn't change a thing! Enter it into some contests.
Navidad feliz y año nuevo alegre!
2006-12-21 18:16:24 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remember that you don't always have to rhyme (and check your spelling, you spelled "embrace" wrong). If you do rhyme, though, try to find a rhythm- maybe each sentence is exactly 7 syllables. Look online for info about sonnets or something, maybe. Good luck.
2006-12-21 18:10:45 · answer #4 · answered by xenomorph_girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with genius13... Who IS it for? cuz if its for your wife or girlfriend etc., it's pretty good. YES it is good and if I was the person you gave it to, I would cry (just a scenario)... So, yeah. Don't change it!
PS) I liked the way you rhymed it. It gave the poem more meaning... :)
2006-12-21 18:14:13 · answer #5 · answered by Angelica 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice poem, everything is fine but take out the "almost always" it can only be one of those, not both. its like a double standard....
good luck
2006-12-21 18:12:22 · answer #6 · answered by Girly-Girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very cute. I'd probably give it some more structure and rythm but it is a nice poem.
2006-12-21 18:11:59 · answer #7 · answered by Giraffe Eating Llama 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweet!
2006-12-21 18:14:38 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is really really good. There is nothing at all to change about tha fantastic poem!
2006-12-21 18:14:23 · answer #9 · answered by no name 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is so good and really sweet. im a poet myself its really wonderful and the person you wrote it about will appreciate it more than anybody. you should get it published.i wouldnt change anything
2006-12-21 18:15:16 · answer #10 · answered by Heather 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋