Should I give in again to my grown son?

Question

I have two grown sons. I did everything possible to be a good mother. I gave them everything I didn't have when I was young. I decided my marriage was over after 30 yrs. That was 3 years ago. My youngest son who is 26 can't seem to get over his anger. He cuts me down every chance he gets and only calls when he needs money or a babysitter. I let my boyfriend move in with me. I know it hurt them but I was ready to start something new but not ready for marriage again. My BF tries very hard to get alone with them. Goes out of his way. Nothing works. The other night I had everyone over for dinner, (even my exhuband,for my sons)my sister was in town; well nothing I did was right, nothing I cooked was right. He finally left mad. I called him and told him what was on my mind and he started cussing at me and hung up. I don't feel like I was in the wrong, I feel like he owes me an apology. I’m worried about Christmas. Do I call him?

Answer 1

no dont call him, he needs to get on with the business of his adult life, and leave you to yours,,,,, so its in your best interest to back off, i know its hard, but let him meet you on your terms,,,,,,, you should and i am sure did, focus on your children while they were children,,, once they are adults,,,, you care and are concerned with their difficulties and problems, yet how you live your life should not be a problem for them,,,,,,,,,,finally, why have your ex over for your sons? your ex can invite them over,,,,,,, also your sons could invite the ex, i would say, make your own separate life,,,,,,, with your children and your current boyfriend,,,,,,,, by accomodating them all, you are giving the empression that that is your main focus still, as opposed to your focus being yourself,,,, which it should be,,,,,,dont wait for him to leave, kick him out if he isnt acting polite,,,,, as to the food issue, i learned something in my teens, when my brothers complained on my cooking, i calmly went over and picked up their plates, walked to trash and dumped it in,,,,,,, that works for any family members!!

Answer 2

Who is the parent? I think GIVING him everything is where you went wrong. Sure we all want our kids to have the things we didn't growing up, but when they are disrespectful. He shouldn't be talking to you like that. You are his mother. You raised him. He still depends on you, for $$ and a babysitter. What you should have done was slapped the taste out of his mouth. He lived in the house with you and the ex- husband, but kids never see everything (what goes on behind closed doors away from the kids) He doesn't know what you had to endure those 30 years with your ex, and probably for his sake. You are grown and have a right to be with anyone you choose, and if you and the ex can get along well enough to be under the same roof, he needs to grow up and do the same. Maybe his dad needs to talk to him, maybe he should. Could be he's the one who has poisoned your sons mind against you. Then again children have the tendency to blame one parent over the other when relationships end. But he is not a child, he is a grown man with his own kids. He is not setting a good example for them either, but as sure as he so boldly disrespects you, his kids will do the same to him, even worse. He owes you an apology. You don't owe him jack. He will see that he will need you before you need him and come to his senses when his funds are low or can't find a sitter. Not to be mean, but try showing him some tough love. Don't be so willing to bail him out when he's in a jam, until he can learn to talk and show you some respect. Show him what it's like to not have mommy there to pick him up and let him know it's gone be ok. Everyone is making all these steps to make him happy and all he seems to be doing is giving you all his butt to kiss. So try switching the tables. It's not your responsibility, and if he can dish it, he's got to learn how to take it. He acts this way because he has done so in the past with no consequence. Show him better than you can tell him that you will not stand for any more of his disrespect toward you or your new loved one. Next time he calls send him to daddy to fix it. All the best.

Answer 3

Wow, he sure isn't acting like a grown-up. All that anger is probably causing more of a rift in the family than the divorce did.

Call him and wish him a Merry Christmas, but don't talk about more than superficial things. He does owe you an apology, but worry about getting through to him later.

If he keeps cutting you off when you try and talk to him, maybe you need to find a different way of communicating with him. Why not write him a letter explaining your position or ask your older son to talk to him.

Kids always think their parents are perfect, and when we realise that things aren't the way we saw them, we sometimes get mad or sad that they aren't living up to how we saw them as children. Unfortunately, you would think that at 26, he'd be old enough to realise that this doesn't mean that everything that happened when he was a kid was a lie.

Good luck! I hope your son can find some resolution.

Answer 4

Ma'm i am sorry to answer this dun think i am not eligible coz i am jus 21 but i wud stil wanna put my word across...well i disagree wid all the ppl here..i think u shud know wht yr priority in life..u r a good mother have been a good mother..now why stop..:) i understand yr son is 26 and wid all senses he shud have reached maturity by now..to have behaved this way..but u r an adult rite.? u have the sense rite.? and did u love yr son..with an expectation to love back.? u have every rite to live your life the way u want..but u cannot ignore the fact tht u have a son who is upset wid u..he does owe u an apology and tht wud have come if he wud be 10..:)..am sure u realise the mind play of a 26 yr old..u've been there too and know the ego hurt..? but u need to know whts important to u..to see yr child happy...u need to talk to him but may jus change yr approach towards it..rememebr at the end u dun wanna lose out on yr happiness as well as he..thts why u r a mother..take no verbal abuse but keep the capacity to mentally forgive him even if he doesnt apologise..as a mother u do the rite thing and leave the rest to yr kid to respond..and most of all keep patience..u do wht u feel is rite but dun neglect him..call him invite him for christmas but leave tht upto him if he shud come or not..u have accepted him the way he was when he was born and so u continue to do tht even if he is bad..:).and mind u he has to accept u too..and make sure he knows wht he has to accept..if he decides to break away from yr thts his choice..u as a mother shud always give in..dun let yr ego play the days have gone for all this..:)..i hope i make some sense to u..although i know i dun fit in here..u can email me if u really appreciate this..:)...may be i get lucky with the best answer lol.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear you having these problems. I would NOT tolerate verbal abuse from any of my children. I have four, (two are now adults, one teen and one child). Did you set boundaries and limits for the boys as they were growing up? Did you correct them when they disrrespected you? If not, this is the end result of being allowed to do what they want. You mentioned you gave them "everything". Does that mean just material things? The one boy that left mad sounds a but selfish and disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with you getting into another relationship. You are a grown woman and you deserve to be happy. If your boys can't get over it, tough. You are the parent. I would call a family meeting and sit your boys down and explain to them that you need to be happy and move on with your life. If they disapprove, tell them you are sorry they feel that way. Secondly tell them yu will not tolerate anything but respect in your home, towards you and your boyfriend. If they violate your boundaries, tell them you won't having them over. Why should you go through all that work to be criticized? I also commend you for having your ex over. That is NOT easy. I hope things get better.

Answer 6

If you think that you have done everything possible to be a good mother then no don't call him. you have done everything you could do and what you have on your hand is an ungrateful son. And disrespectful! I would never by any means raise my voice to my parents, let alone cuss at them. Look, Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy and love. If you don't think that your home is going to be filled with joy and love if he's over, then don't call him. Live your life. be happy with your boyfriend and just appreciate the fact that he's trying to get along with your sons. But if they don't want to then just leave them alone. They'll realise what an awesome mom they have later on.

Answer 7

Does your son know all the facts as to why you ended your marriage to his father? Is there something you're not telling us that maybe we should know, so as to give you a better answer? I don't agree with the way your son has treated you, but maybe there's a reason we don't know about. You need to put all the cards on the table so that your son completely understands why you did what you did. And letting your boyfriend move in was probably not a good idea. He should move out until this matter is resolved.

Answer 8

I would leave him alone for a couple days to let him settle down and hopefully sort things out. I would call maybe Christmas Eve and see how things are doing, don't apologize if you don't think you did anything wrong. Be strong, try to show that you making an effort and being an adult and forgiving is a two way street and he needs to give too. Perhaps after the holidays offer to go to a counselor with him and maybe your ex too.

Answer 9

Mom, the kid is jealous and angry and needs someone to blame for the divorce. He is a grown man! If he has issues, he doesn't need to take it out on you, he needs professional help. If you're willing to put up with his sh*it, he will be piling it on forever making you feel guilty. Stop catering to him! He's 26...if he can't accept your life, that's his problem. Stop with the "having the ex" over for dinner to apease the son. What are you trying to prove? Do things for YOURSELF...have a peaceful holiday and if he calls, fine. As soon as he starts berating you and cussing, I'd tell him I'm not listening to it and goodbye...hang up the phone. He can't divorce his own mother, but he surely can make your life hell if you allow it. Did you get that? IF YOU ALLOW IT...The son is definitely stepping over boundaries that will continue until you put a stop to it. I think you also need some counseling in dealing this the kids. Have Christmas the way you want it. Forget about feeling guilty and having to make it up to the kid. Move on with your life in spite of yourself. godloveya, honey and blessed holidays.

Answer 10

Your son has to realize that outside of taking care of his every whim and need, you too have a life and you deserve to live it to the fullest. We are all entitled to being happy, and if being with his Dad did not make you happy, you have the right to throw in the towel; especially after 30 years. My hat off to you!!!

As a mother, I am sure it is not very easy dealing with him and his feelings. Reassure him that not being with his Dad does not mean that you care for/ love him any less. He should be able to understand that you did your job raising a great child, and now that your child-rearing days are over, you desire a more fulfilling personal relationship. Tell him that you waited for him to get to the age where it would not disrupt his life. Let him know that you love him dearly and you want him in the family fold, and his disrespectful manners towards you are hurtful.

When "mending fences" there is no protocol. If your heart cinvicts you to contact him, make the first move. He is hurting. Use the nurturer in you to appeal to his reasonable side.

Good luck to you and Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Answer 11

That's a tough situation. Your marriage ending didn't have anything to do with your children. He's 26 yes but he needs to grow up. He is angry because he has not learned acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean you he has to like it, but he has to learn to accept it just the same. He has no right to be cussing you, he's hurt yes, but this is reality. He needs to face it and get on with life. Maybe you can call him and try to explain this to him. But be prepared because he probably won't like what you have to say. Tell him that you would like to be together for the holidays, but that you will not put up with any non-sense from him. Say it bluntly and mean what you say. Keep a calm cool voice (no matter what he says) tell him how things are going to be and follow through with it. Do not give in to him, and remember you are not responsible for his feelings. You need to be happy in your new life.
Have a Merry Christmas and good luck!!!