My sons, who are grown, treat me very disrespectfully. How do I get their respect?

Question

I raised them alone for the most part. I always give nice gifts and Christmas; I remember their birthdays. Most of the time at Chistmas, they give me nothing. One says, "We spent on the kids this year (their kids)". The other one says, "Sorry Mom, I didn't get you nothing." I live paycheck to paycheck too, but I always manage to remember them. The one only calls to raise hell about how miserable his life is; and the other one never calls at all. I take their kids to watch one Saturday overnight a month. Other than for my grandchildren, they would have nothing or little to do with me. I am truly brokenhearted. I have debated on whether just to write them off by treating them the same way, for example at Christmas time. I thought because I worked so hard to raise them and teach them respect for others, that they would grow up to make me proud. I am disgusted with both of them.
Anyone have any suggestions?

Answer 1

I find it amazing that some of the responses I read are so harsh and so completely WRONG! It sounds almost as if they have issues with their own mothers - which is ok, but if we're going to try to answer somebody else's question, we should try to be objective because we don't know the entire situation since we don't have all sides of the story.

First of all, it is NEVER too late. My oldest daughter was disrespectful too, but once she got out on her own and started experiencing the world for herself, she began to have more appreciation for us and for the things we did. My youngest daughter (21) is the one in the self-centered, disrespectful stage now - and she even has a 2 year old daughter of her own! But I have faith that she'll learn too...just like my oldest daughter did! BTW...both of my daughters came from a loving, stable home environment with both parents, were allowed freedom to express theirselves (in a respectful manner), and were involved in church youth groups (their decision). It really doesn't matter - each individual is different and every ADULT is free to make their own choices regarding how they live their lives. Those choices are not necessarily a reflection on the way they were raised. (My adult life has been completely opposite of the way I was raised!)

Secondly, their behavior does NOT mean you raised them wrong. I was raised by a single mother (there seemed to be a revolving door for men involved). Her lifestyle definitely had a negative effect on me while I was growing up - especially during my teen years. I didn't trust anyone, I didn't let anybody into my heart because I figured they wouldn't be around for long, etc. What we do as parents - the decisions we make and the attitudes we display - DOES affect our children. I know my mother remembers my childhood differently than I do, because she too tells stories that make her sound like June Cleaver, while my friends & I remember her more along the lines of "Mommie Dearest". But she has not been that person for 25 years, she regrets her past, and I have forgiven her - it was MY choice as an adult to walk away from the lifestyle I was raised in and to continue loving my mother and respecting her.

Thirdly, for Pete's sake - they are ADULTS and THEY are responsible for their behavior - not you! It certainly doesn't sound to me like they came from a neglectful abusive home environment, and if you were a single mother, I doubt that you were able to spoil them immensely! It sounds more like they are just as self-centered and emotionally immature as my youngest daughter is. The fact is, when our children become adults, sometimes they have to go through some things before they are mature enough to appreciate the things we have done for them. The waiting for this is very hard on us, but God will see us through and as long as we don't act like the devil ourselves, our children will come to respect us in time. Continue to show them love and to be a good grandmother, but most of all, pray for them. Send your adult children a Christmas card, but save the gifts for your grandchildren. Tough love for your adult children, MUCH love for your grandbabies!

Answer 2

I know their attitude hurts you. You worked hard to bring them up right. And all you'd like is a little acknowledgment and appreciation.

However, respect begins with yourself. Build your own life. Strive to work past living paycheck to paycheck. Find uplifting friends and worthwhile activities outside your family. You'll find you won't have time to listen to a rant over the phone or to be as concerned that your kids don't care about you.

Then, when you do give gifts of time or money to your family, let it be because of the good feeling it gives you. Time with grandchildren! Expect nothing in return. Your favors will be because you want to do them for their own sake, and that feeling will carry to both you and your sons. They won't feel your disgust.

You raised your sons the best way you knew how. But, even though they're out of the house and have families of their own, your job isn't done yet. You still can set an example of how to live a life of caring yet with self-respect. You can't live your life expecting reciprocation, even from your own children.

Disappointing? Yes. But dwelling on it makes it worse, perpetuating the vicious circle.

Answer 3

I have a suggestion. LIVE your life, they are grown you said, they are biys, you raised them the best way you could have. Do not stress yourself over them, go have some fun with local friends, and live your life. Tell them you do not appreciate being used. I mean this, it is time to put down your feet on them, no more gifts for your sons, tell them Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, do not spend expensive gifts on the grandchildren, but do get them something, and see them once in awhile, they are innocent, but hpefully they are raised well. Call and say Happy Birthday but thats it. I would be disgusted too. God Bless. The best thing to do after you have done all of this...is to cry and let go. i mean it. You have done your part in this story, do not stree yourself babe. God BLess, and Merry Christmas. Pray about this, and on xmas or before xmas go to church and be with people who accept and adore people.

Answer 4

You know what.....you should tell them you are broken hearted....
Let your kids know how you feel and that you want a better relationship with them. They could be feeling the same way...only they do not know how to show it. Sounds as if they do have some growing up to do, however they can change with some conversations with you about their attitude.

My family and I are estranged because we both feel like we have neglected one another...and there is hurt feelings, and a lot of stubbornness.....I would say writing them off is not your answer....they would only look at that like they knew it was coming anyway......surprise them with a honest heart to heart with them about things....it could really turn things around.

What a perfect time of year to start getting along better....

Good Luck to you and your kids.....don't bet yourself up about how you raised them...you did a splendid job on your own!! Every kid goes through rough periods in their life......it will get better...

Merry Christmas to you.....

Answer 5

Respect is earned, maybe you taught them to respect others but failed to respect them as children....did you ever hear the song
Cats in the Cradle...I am sure you have since you are probably from my generation.....sometimes we think we did all we could but they feel differently, I am not putting you down, because I too, was a single mother for 13 years and believe me, we do the best that we can, but they remember the littlest things. Sorry, Try to have a Merry Christmas and make up for it by respecting your grandchildren for who they are and maybe that will be your present.Their respect, as for your children, its a little too late.

Answer 6

first of all i am sorry to hear your in this position, i think men tend to not be too family orientated and i feel whatever you do you wont make them change their minds, maybe try connecting with your daughter in laws, but this may seem like your forcing your sons to come and see you rather than it being of their own free will. If you treat them the same way they treat you i think you will feel bad about doing that, its hard i know but i think you just have to accept that your sons wont change their attitudes now, something they may regret after you leave this planet. Please dont let this spoil your enjoyment of your grandchildren.

Answer 7

Well often parents remember the kids childhood different than the kids. My mother was a horrible parent but by listening to her talk now she was June Cleaver. They resent you for some reason and if you look hard enough you will see why.

I'm sure they appreciate the sacrifices you made. But how many times did THEY feel they took a backseat to some man you were dating? How many times did THEY feel a burden to you because of your sacrifices? ask them

Answer 8

This is what I would do. For their birthdays and Christmas, give them cards. No gifts, just cards. The one who only calls to gripe about his life tell him this. "Son I love you and want you to be happy but if you're only calling me to complain, I'm sorry but I don't have time to hear it." Sometimes despite the best of efforts, children grow up to be lazy and selfish but expect their parents to be there and to fix their problems. Good luck to you and Merry Christmas.

Answer 9

The old saying a taste of their owm medicine sounds about right for your situation. They seem very selfish. Keep the gift giving for your grandchildren only.

Answer 10

try treating them the same as they treat you.. and you could also talk to them about it.. maybe they do not realize what or how they are acting.. although i really doubt that is the case but you never know.. or maybe in some way for some reason they despise you for raising them alone as you said.