Looking for ideas on how to deal with a 4 years olds beaviour issues in terms of time outs etc.?

Question

She is 4 and a half and we have just started experiencing issues of not doing what she is told, answering back, laughing at us when we tell her to do something, parrot repeating what you say. We've tried naughty step but feel she is a bit old for that plus she just gets up and runs away and short of physically restraining her theres not much else we can do. We have also tried time out in her room but she seems to enjoy that and just play with her toys. Issue is compounded by the fact her 2 yr old brother copies her. We try various things none of which are consistent and we are really looking for a method that both myself and my husband can use that will avoid us resorting to shouting at her as a result of our frustrations. Arghhh shes just thrown her lunch in the bin as I type.............
Serious answers only please. Merry Christmas.

Answer 1

The naughty step works with my 31/2 year old.
You'll need to pick a spot such as a corner of the hall, your bedroom, the kitchen or a step on the stairs and tell them this is where they will have to stand or sit if they are disobedient. Make sure it's safe and non-scary – in other words not the bathroom or the cupboard under the stairs and never your child's bedroom.

Once you've picked the spot, if you child doesn't do what you ask within five seconds, issue a warning. 'If you don't do X, you will have to go and sit on the naughty step [or whatever].' If the child still doesn't obey, tell them what you are going to do, making a clear link between their deed and your action. For example, 'Because you didn't do X, you have to go and sit on the naughty step.' Lead your child to the naughty spot without lecturing, telling off or arguing and tell the child to sit or stand still.

Ignore yells, protests or promises to do what you asked at this point. Once your child is sitting quietly, return to the naughty spot and tell them they can return to the room. (Some experts recommend setting a timer with one minute for every year of the child's age.) Now restate your original request. If your child does what you have asked, praise them so they learn what is expected. If the child still doesn't do what you have asked, repeat the time out procedure until they do.

Dos and don'ts of using time out

Do
Be firm, matter of fact and cool.
State simply what is happening and why, so as to keep attention to a minimum.
Follow through – even if your child offers to do what you have asked.
Be prepared for them to resist. It takes time but if you are persistent it WILL work.
Don't
Get into long drawn-out explanations.
Give up before you have carried out the whole procedure. This just gives your child the message that they don't have to comply.
Force them to apologise. The aim is to get them to do what you have asked – not grovel.

Answer 2

There have already been many great answers. I also have a 4.5yr old who is trying to put his mark on the world. We use timeout on the naughty step which works somedays but not others. Also a sticker chart works well with lots of praise for the good behaviour and trying to ignore the bad behaviour. If he can get to the end of the day without any yucky black marks(for bad behaviour) he gets a whole 10 pennies (he thinks this is a fortune). Never take the good stickers away for bad behaviour though because thay have been earned and therefore shoud be kept. I can honestly say though the thing that worked best for us is a little more quality time and attention. I thought we were giving him loads, I stay at home and read and do fun things but actually when I thought about it alot of the time I am very busy doing my own thing and expecting him to entertain himself and thats when the mischeif starts. As your little angel has shown you if he puts his dinner in the bin you might stop typing and just sit and eat your lunch with her (not to much to ask really).

Answer 3

At 4, I don't think she is too old for the naughty step, I think you were on the right track with that. But it takes a bit of training and a lot of perserverence - first of all, she needs to know exactly what the rules are - what behaviour she will given time out for. So talk this through with her, and think about making up some sort of 'rules chart'. I know she is too young to read it, so my suggestion would be to sit with her, and get her to help you draw some pictures or sybols to help her rememeber each rule. This will give her some ownership too, and she will probably enjoy the positive attention.
Then, you need to stick to your guns and follow through with it each time she breaks a rule. When she does, you come down to her level, look her in the eye and speak firmly - don't shout - clearly tell her what she is doing wrong, point it out to her on the chart, and tell her if she continues she will be put in time out.
This will hopefully be enough to stop her, but if not, you then put her on the naughty step or whatever you are using, and again you come down to her leval, tell her why she is there and how long she needs to sit there. ( I would suggest no more than 5 minutes.)
After 5 minutes, go back to her and get her to tell you why she is there, then you need to clear apology before she is allowed to move.
If you have trouble getting her to stay there, then you need to battle it out with her until she understands that she will be expected to stay there until she has done her time. At the start this may be difficult, but you need to perservere - keep putting her back there and explain to her that you will continue to do this. Eventaully, she will learn that she might as well stay there as she will end up doing it one way or another.

At her age she will also respond very well to positive praise and attention. Try to catch her being good, and give her loads of praise and encouragement for this. You could try using a sticker chart or marbles in a jar - she needs to fill the jar to win a prize that she really wants, e.g. going swimming, or whatever she is into.

You need to use positive praise and being consistent together - one will not work without the other.
Good luck, I'm sure you can make it work, just be determined and stick with it!

Answer 4

Well my wife and I are in the same boat. However we have like a highchair that straps onto a regular kitchen table chair and when she's naughty enough we strap her in there. She does unfortunatly know how to get out but what we do is we put her in the middle of the room, kinda, we have a small apartment, but basically away from anything that may be in her reach. She does also like to scream and cry. What we do is we basically just ignore her. We try to tell her if she can be quiet for like 3 mins she can get out. Sometimes that works. The only downside about this is she continues to be naughty. So let me add to your question, what more can be done that will get our daughter to stop being naughty and consitantly repeat the things we tell her not to do. Hope you all can help us both out. Thanks.

Happy Holidays

Answer 5

Positive praise along with the naughty step does work you just have to be patient. Your daughter needs to know why you've placed her there and realise what the concequences are. you should always get an apology when she's allowed away from the step. It was difficult at first to get our daughter to just sit there. The first time took way over an hour. Once she realised that she was been put back on the step and her time was starting again she soon stayed there. Persevere and I'm sure that you'll get there in the end!!

Answer 6

You have to speak to a child in the currency. What does she value more than most things. Is it TV, MUSIC, FRIEND TIME, CEREALwhatever. Everytime she misbehaves take it away for a week I am mean literally a week. Lock it in a box. When she earns it back through chores or consistent good behaviour then she may go to the box with you and get it back.She may through a fit but remind the more she misbehaves the more goes into the box. If she throws her luch in the bin- say Fantastic!! Since you do not like the food here I suppose you will not be having dinner as well. Then when she is hungury for dinner simply say No only young ladies who respect and appericate their food will get dinner.You can join us tomorrow for meals if you behave in a proper manner.If you through your food down or away , you will not be able to join us.That is that. She'll come around.

Answer 7

It's a long hard tough road this one, when my daughter started doing the same I got on eye level with her and asked her to tell me what she did wrong, it took a fair few times but eventually she started to answer the question without all the other nonsense, then it was do you know what made mummy angry about it another couple of days (get what I mean about the long hard road)to cut a long story short the end result worked. She will kill me for this if she sees it, now a nice young adult. Wishing you and your family all the best for the season from Australia.

Answer 8

Time out does work, but 1) the child has to be put in a spot where she does not have easy access to things such as toys and television. 2) though you may not want to you have to be consistant. If she runs off put her back. If she continues to run off continue putting her back. The reason it isn't working is because she knows you will give up before she does. The more you put her there, the longer her punishment is prolonged because if she continues to run off, she still has to sit there for the alotted time once se decides to stay put. Havingt to sit completely stil even for a few minutes is torture for a young child. Once you show her you mean business and stop letting her control the punishment, she will take you seriously. As i said though, you have to be consistant even if it takes an hour to get her to stay put.

Answer 9

Have there been any recent changes in her life that has been causing her to act out? It may be because she does not get the attention she once had since the arrival of her brother. If there have been recent changes, give her some extra love and support.

I know you love her dearly and want her to be happy, but many parents make the mistake of wanting their child to “like” them. If this sounds like you, it will be difficult for your daughter to learn to respect you as a parent. When children do not respect their parents, the parents cannot control them and the child will feel like they do not have a "safety net" (strong parents who can set and stick by a limit provide a safety net). Children scream for limits! My guess is that your daughter is screaming for a limit.

What you have been trying is not working because you are trying to control her, not teach her self control. Children who have parents who try and control them do act out in these ways. Don’t spank her, put her in time out, or reward her with treats and stickers! Time outs and spankings are punishments. They only cause the child to feel resentment and anger. The idea of a child being put on the “Naughty step” is very shaming to them. That is why it does not change behavior. You want to discipline her, not punish her. Instead, use logical or natural consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your daughter misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If she spills her milk, give her a towel to wipe it up. If she breaks a toy, have her put it in the trash. If she wants to scream, give her a place to scream until she is ready to stop. If she throws her lunch in the bin, she gets hungry. Do your best to always let the “punishment” fit the crime.

When she misbehaves tell her “I don’t like when you (explain what and why in very few words).” Put her in a quiet area away from you where there are no distractions. Tell her “When you are ready to (listen, be gentle, calm down…) then you can come back. This is not a time out because you are not giving her a time limit (you controlling her). Tell her she can return when she's ready to control herself. You may have to take her back to the spot a few times before she gets the message. Thank her when he is calm. Do not force her to apologize to you if she is not sorry. Forcing a child to say “Sorry” when they are not is also teaching them how to lie. Keep it up!

She is feeling powerful when she doesn’t listen, parrots you, or laughs at you. Notice her when she is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You can run super fast! You used so many colors on that picture! You did that by yourself!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help her to feel powerful in a positive way.

Empathize with her when she is calm. Say things like “I can tell that you are feeling very (angry, upset, hurt, mad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” It will help her to better express herself. Let her know what you thought of her misbehaviors without shaming. When she sees how you feel, she will be able to empathize with you and then feel sorry and be able to tell you and mean it.

When her brother is sleeping, spend some quality one on one time with her. Do an art project, read her a story, have her help you make a snack or prepare dinner, she can also help you with chores. She will feel proud to help and enjoy some extra positive attention!

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent! Good luck and Merry Christmas to you!

Answer 10

Get a black board or dry erase board. Draw three smile faces on it. Tell your daughter that they are her smileys that will stay on the board unless she exhibits her naughty behaviors. Once she displays particular behavior such as talking back or being naughty you will erase one. I got this idea from a parenting magazine and use it with my 3.5 yr old. The first time you erase a smiley, she'll have an atomic meltdown and after that all you have to do is threaten "do you want me to take away a smiley?" I couldn't believe it worked. I needed another alternative to time out because I don't want time outs to loose their effectiveness by over-using them.