in march this year i found out my wife of 10 yrs had been having an affair with 1 of her male work mates while i was working nights or out of town for meetings. The affair was going on for about 8 months until i found out about it. She's says the usual ("it's not about you, i'm sorry, i really love you" etc etc). We've been to see councilers breifly but that didn't really help come up with any answers. My question is do i stay with her & my 2 kids (6&8) or do i go? I still have nightmares about what she did even up to now. I want to know details but she either lies more or just brushes off the questions. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
2006-12-20 23:49:46 · 12 answers · asked by bundyguy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Okay, here's the deal.
You have to try to put this away. Its hard but you must try.
Understand that what you are feeling does not change whether you are with her or not. The harm has been done.
The other bit about needing details, well, no you don't. Nor do you really want them. What if she were to tell you that his dick was much bigger. How do you deal with that further comparison. You can't. Trust me you don't want the details.
Here's the course. Figure out if you love her. Also answer this question. Would you be thinking of leaving had you never found out? If that answer is no then stay and work on it.
There is a couple of things that she must do to indicate what your next move is.
1. She must tell you what she was thinking and looking for. This " It was a mistake" crap does not cut it. Somewhere there is a reason why she would have turned herslf into a liar and cheat. What was it. Without that insight the chance of reoccurance looms.
2. Has she told you it will NEVER happen again? If not best to go.
3. Do you have something in place that details what happens if you ever catch her in this behavior again? Something like she gets to leave with her clothes and nothing more. Put some serious limits on her freedom. She has destroyed your trust. It takes a long time to build back up.
Concentrate on the now using this history a a guide. DO NOT accept her brushing this off. Do not look for gorey details but make her be honest about her thought process or lack of it. She owes you that explanation of " what the hell was she thinking".
Make sure she also understands that you vowed for better or worse not cheater and liar. She has not divested herself of that label yet. To that end she had better be kissing your butt for a long while. Put the onus squarely on her to provide even half the energy trying to get back as she spent in the affair.
Don't leave yet you've got some work to do. Most of it relates to her right now and her attitude. Try not to dwell on the details.
Yes it takes a long time to forget. But again, the damage is done
so you might as well stick it out for a bit longer and see where it goes. Make it about you though. She owes you that.
Give it ONE second chance.
Do not be slow to point out bad attitude when you feel it.
Its about you now. If you cannot get what you want out of it then leave.
Been there, we made it . Its not easy.
2006-12-21 00:30:43 · answer #1 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What other details are there? While you were working, your wife had an affair with a co-worker for 8 months. That's all there is to it. The question is: can you forgive her?
It is unfortunate that two children are involved, but your wife didn't consider them when she was having her affair. Neither did she consider your feelings or the other consequences of her behavior. Do you want to stay married to this woman? Can you trust her faithfulness? Has she shown any remorse by continuing to lie and brush you off? If you can forgive her, pick up the pieces and move on. If you cannot, find the courage to leave.
2006-12-21 00:45:58 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
why do you need to know the details??? If she tld you everything about the affair you would only worry more and compare yourself to the man she had the afair with... in short you would torure your own soul over it... Don't go down that path..
Accept she had the affair. Accept the affair has ended and is now in the past.
It is very likely that she does love you, the affair was not about you and that she is sorry.
See she may have needed to know whether she was attractive to other men. She may have needed to know what it is like to have sex with another man. There are a million may haves involved in affairs and really none of them are really the point that you should be bothered about...
The point is that she broke a rule that you had both agreed to, she crossed a boundary in your relationship. In doing that she altered the relationship,
What you do need to know and understand is that her behaviour has changed how you each feel about one another.
Do not leave or stay because of the children. Leave or stay for your own reasons.
2006-12-21 06:16:13 · answer #3 · answered by wollemi_pine_writer 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't answer many of these, but your problem deserves some analysis.... hope this helps, and if you have other things you'd like to bounce off of me, I'll try to answer:
Marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust, I think... And she has betrayed your trust, and betrayal, as you probably are feeling, is the real deal-buster in a marriage.... She shared her Passion and her soul with another, repeatedly!!!! and sweetie, that is just really hard to get out of your mind.... a visual that just sticks, if you get my meaning. With trust gone, you are undoubtedly seeing your admiration and respect for her just eroding, and unless the two of you get into counseling together, and you BOTH want to save it, it will just slide farther and farther, until you both just become rommates and babysitters. Trust is a precious thing, and yet so very fragile, and at the same time, the absolute basis of marriage.
There is also that little adage, "Once a cheater....." and that has to hurt too, because as you look into the future of your marriage, can you trust her? (I love that line you said she stated...."It's not about you...." (of course it's not about you, but it sure is not about your marriage, and your bond.....) Whatever the hell that comment she stated means.
Also, I do believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. And if getting your marriage back will bring that to you, be prepared for at least two years before the trust returns, in counseling, and that is no guarantee. knowing that, is she worth it? Divorce, and leaving your children is of course a real consideration too.
I don't have an answer as to whether you should stay or not, only some things that you should consider before seeing an attorney, if indeed you choose to see one.
2006-12-21 05:19:14 · answer #4 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust in a relationship is hard to get back after an affair. I went to couples therapy after the affair and one of the homework assignments that help me make the decision to final end the relationship was a "Time-line of the relationship" You have to be honest with yourself in order for it to work because affairs are only the tip of the iceberg. We both had to do this exercise and it was like being hit with a baseball bat upside the head.
But regardless on what your decision will be remember your kids needs and loves both of you! Try to explore with a parenting coordinator to develop a plan for good co-parenting skills if you decide to end the marriage.
Never bad-mouth your spouse in front of the kids and your kids will thank you for it.
Good luck
2006-12-21 01:17:32 · answer #5 · answered by chancesare45 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey man, join the club. I went through the same scenario about six years ago. Once the lying and decieving starts, there is no hope of retuning to a normal relationship. Believe me, I tried, and tried. My youngest was only 1 year old at that stage. We ended up divorced. Today she is still with the other guy. As far as the children is concerned. What do you like for them, to stay in a householding were the parents is constantly arguing, or forever unhappy. Or would you rather let them grow up in peacefull surroundings. Please don't think I'm trying to tell you to divorce your wife. I'm merely trying to explain to you, how this ordeal your in at the moment, scars a relationship for live. All I can say, is be strong, do what you think will be the best. Hope everything works out well for you man.
2006-12-21 00:25:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are in a tough (and familiar) situation. There is no right answer. Do you know she stopped the affair? Do you know she regrets it to the point she won't do it again? If it wasn't about you then what was it about? If you can honestly answer those questions with 100% certainty behind you answer then you probably know what's best for you.
2006-12-21 00:51:46 · answer #7 · answered by Cyber Stalker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really, you don't want to know the details. You don't.
I would have to say leave; it seems that the only reason wh yit stopped, isn't because she realized she was totally wrong, but because you found out. That is the only reason why she stopped my friend.
You can leave and still be a terrific father.
Best wishes-
2006-12-21 00:53:59 · answer #8 · answered by Floss 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue the counseling. How do you know she lies about it? Have proof? You may never get all the answers and you need to deal with that fact. You can forgive her, you wont forget, but you can forgive. Try and save the marriage.
2006-12-21 00:20:28 · answer #9 · answered by finished 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave and take the kids!
2006-12-21 00:57:42 · answer #10 · answered by steemshovel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋