I just don't know what to do with him anymore.?

Question

My husband and I have only been married a year and a half (June '05) but I just don't feel the same anymore. I know I still love him because if I think about how we used to be I feel really bad about where things are now and want it back the way we were. But we fight a lot. About stupid sh!t. I'm a sahm with our little boy (3 mos. decided to quit working after he was born with his lungs collapsed) and I thought that would make us closer, but we still fight all the time. He just doesn't get it. I want to have a life. I want us to do things together as a family and he's happy with this boring, mediocre existance and doesn't understand or care that all I do is sit here and watch the baby all week. The weekends are just as bad because my family all live in another state so we can't see them, we spend every weekend with his family (all his cousins and brothers are our age and so we're more like friends than fam) but anyway..it's just driving me insane. We've even hit each other, (not in the

face) but still...I don't hit anyone, but he has the ability to piss me off soo bad! I just feel like I want out, but I know I love him and need him. He's not a horrible person, he's just clueless as to what a husband should be and I feel like he doesn't give a sh!t about me until we have a huge fight, I'm crying and he's apologising and telling me he's over it.. like it didn't mean anything to him. Every time we fight, though, it feels like we're getting closer to divorce and that's the last thing I want, but when I think about staying with him forever I just can't see it. I want better than this for our son. I just don't know what to do. Can some of you older more experienced people tell me what I'm doing wrong? How can I fix my marriage?

Oh, we're 24, btw and go to church every weekend..we get along then.. but through the week it's just hell.

And know I am very mature techx69, thank you. How do marital problems equal immaturity? You're welcome for your two points as it seems thats all you wanted...

Answer 1

Counseling helps tremendously. It does sound like you're both talking even though the talking ends in a fight (that's a start). As an FYI, fighting during the first two or so years of marriage is very common, it's actually uncommon NOT to fight, so what you're going through is normal.

See a marriage counselor together and talk this thing through with them as the mediator. They can help you.

By the way, being 24 and not doing anything all week would drive a nun to drink. What did you guys do before you got married? What interests did you have that coincided? You must have enjoyed doing activities together, can you revive those activities? You're way too young to be sitting at home not doing anything.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You really need to do something other than sit at home all day. If your son is doing better, get a job--even if it's a parttime job, or go to school and prepare yourself for the future. Your husband doesn't sound like he wants to be married. The responsibilities of marriage may be too much for him. Or, he's tired of you complaining. If you're doing that, stop it.

Stop the hitting. You're not kids in the playground. Sometimes married people have to agree to disagree and leave it at that. If you don't want to spend every weekend with his family, don't. Take some time out for yourself and let him do the same. It's difficult when your relatives live out of state, but you'll have to try and make friends where you are. This is why you need to work or go to school. You won't feel so isolated, if you venture out.

Answer 3

Maturity is a factor because you just DON'T HIT EACH OTHER!!!! and church has nothing to do with it. If you want to pretend at church go right ahead but that's not dealing with the issue. I'd say see a counselor. You both are having a tough time. To you I'd say get out of the house during the day if you can and interact with the world I know what that isolation is like. And because he's at work he doesn't understand your frustation. He could also be dealing with the health of the baby in another way. Don't think he doesn't. Men just react differently I'd highly recommend professional counseling. Get a trained professional and neutral 3rd party in their to help you two communicate. The first 5 years of marriage are the most difficult. If you can make it to 5 you have a chance of making it last.

You are more then a mother and you need to remember that and you need to make HIM remember that. Yelling at someone about something is not going to entice them to change. Part of it is probably your frustration at being a stay at home mom.
You feel your existence is mediocore because you are at home. To that I say start working again if even just part time. or do volunteer work. do something that is going to make you feel like you are apart of society again.

Here's something else you can do. Take advantage of the fact that you are at home. Pamper yourself so you can destress. get a massage, get your hair done, buy something nice for you and maybe something sexy for you to sport in front of your husband to get him to remember who you two were before. because children change a dynamic.

And I say do all this and still see a counselor because both of you have some issues to resolve. 24 is the time of your life where you are young and should be out grabbing life by the balls and sharing those experiences with your grand kids when you are old.

you should not be collecting dust at home. get hobby, do something anything for you. I don't care if it's watching porn. just do something that validates that you are still a living breathing woman with needs.

Answer 4

I suggest you see a marriage councilor. I am a sahm too, with 3 kids ages 3-9. I agree, it's not an easy job taking care of kids all day and having no life besides them. Tell your husband you'd like to have 30 minutes a day for just you. Join a Mom's Club or go to your local library and find out when they have "story time," where you're bound to meet other sah moms. Sorry to hear your family is so far away. I had the same problem 7 years ago and I tried to bond with his sisters, but the chemistry was poor. Maybe you should go out all alone. Find an outlet for you to fill your inner self. I feel badly for you and I hope things work out. If you ever need to, email me. I can relate! Hope you have a Merry Christmas!

Answer 5

Your husband is in his comfort zone... he's happy with the way life is going along "for him"... He sees nothing wrong with the way things are going... and he has his total family support by having them so close and spending so much time with them...
You on the other hand, are a new mother with tons of work taking care of your new born all day, all week 24/7... and your support circle in not there for you... Your family is in another state... Your old friends are not there... and your life seems futile at times...
You have to sit down and put on paper what you want your life to be like... make a list of things that can bring you some happiness and a sense of family... Try and put to words how you would like a happy normal week to be spent and what you expect from your husband... along with how you will support his feelings and decisions... Then you need a quiet moment to talk it over with your husband... The both of you may need consuling... Try not to reflect to the way the relationship was prior to being married and having your own family... Things are different now and there is a certain acceptance of responsibilities that goes along with it... but it should not make you unhappy and uncertain of your future... If your husband really loves you he will make sacrifices to certain things to make you happy... The idea is to work together to make the entire family happy... After all that's what love is all about... Good luck...

Answer 6

I hate to say this as I know it's probably not your fault, but you have to try to see his side of it and understand him before he will stop and try to understand you. There is just no reason to fight. Whenever I get mad at my husband of 7 yrs I stop and decide if it's worth fighting over and usually it's not. Once he sees a change in the way you react toward him he may start to wonder why and then you can talk to him rationally. This does not happen in a day.
Just be patient. Marriages take work and commitment. It's not all lovey dovey all the time for even the happiest couples.

Answer 7

Step 1 - Go get help for yourself from a medical or mental health professional. Post-partum depression [even just a little bit] + your isolation from a supportive network of friends/family = depression.
Step 2 - You have got to get yourself out of that house and away from the baby for at least a few hours a week. Don't use that time to do anything for anyone but yourself.
Step 3 - Reach out to someone in need. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or help clean up a park. Make sure it is a group activity. If you can get your husband to join in, even better.
Step 4 - Get a part-time job or volunteer position or go back to school. You need to be interested in something outside of the home to BE interesting to your husband.
Step 5 - I could go on and on. But I'm stuck here in my house with my 2 little boys [both were 8 wks premature] and have to go obsess about them, my house, and my husband who really isn't interested in my obsessions.

Answer 8

Your not doing anything wrong you are NOT alone.
My husband and I have been married for four years and the first year we were married we had a baby to and it took a toll on our relationship. I was stuck home all the time and he traveled for business or was working late. We to, started to put our hands on each other and all we did was argue but I loved him to and wanted it to work.
So I made the decision to go back to work to get my sanity back and to interact with other people at least. I felt a lot better. Then my husband and I started marriage counseling and we are now happily married. The therapist taught us how to make it work. I think it's worth a shot in your relationship. After all you loved each other enough to get married in the first place you might want to start fighting for it.
Now with your boredom, you could go back to school or take a class in anything. I took a kickboxing class after the baby born and that helped me feel better about myself, they are fairly reasonable in price for a long course.
Or you could take a part-time job with hours that husband is home so you won't have to pay for a sitter.
But most importantly, consider the marriage counseling, most insurances pay for this.

Answer 9

I beg you. Get some help. See a counselor of some sort. You have some issues. It is not him. You need to learn to be happy in spite of your circumstances. It is this kind of thinking that leads people to divorce and children to feelings of abandonment. Join a mother's playgroup. Get out during the week and seek out adults. Go to the library, the mall, anywhere. Don't just sit there and watch the baby. When the baby is healthy, go back to work after finding a great babysitter. Get some help. Soon, please. It's not him.

Answer 10

Your situation will not get better on it's own.It sounds like you are a smart woman so use your head instead of your heart.Remember that you also have the safety a child to consider.Get help or get out.Good luck.I hope every thing works out for the best for you, and I wish you a very merry christmas.