Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We love each other deeply and are very happy. Except one thing has been taking a huge toll on both of us. He is in the Navy and his career is so demanding. I try and support him, I don't cheat, I work hard and do everything I can to make a better life for us.
For a while now we have been talking about marriage. I can see myself being with him, however, because of his job he has been very tired and cranky lately. I moved 6,000 miles away from my family to be with him, but I don't ever get to really see him. His workdays are from about 7 am to 5-6 and I get out of work around 5-6 as well and we are both tired. I'm really not sure what to do. Part of me feels like I am wasting time, yet, when I think of leaving him I can't imagine it. What should I do? Or are there any recommendations?
2006-12-20 19:01:54 · 18 answers · asked by PuNk 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has been in the Navy for 10 years and is making a career out of it. He does treat me VERY well and is faithful. He also takes extremely good care of me (paying bills, food, shelter, love, etc.)
2006-12-23 11:54:32 · update #1
Marriage will not change your present situation. You will still be away from your friends and family and you will still have that grueling schedule between you. If you love him, and you have to in order to be there in the first place, try to make your time you do have together more special--- forget the housework-- when you can cook, cook enough for a couple of meals and freeze them that way you aren't spending time cooking when you can be with him-- try to have a one night out a week-- even if you dont go out-- a special candle dinner, etc, keep it romantic--- YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE MENTAL STRESS AND EMOTIONAL STRESS HE IS UNDER BEING IN THE SERVICE. He is scared, and rightfully so-- it doesn't look too promising for our military over there and it doesnt look like they will be coming home anytime soon- so be supportive- and when the day comes that you wake up and tell yourself you cant do this anymore- than you know the stress has broken you and you should leave. Marriage will not change anything, it will only make a questionable relationship a permanent one....do you really need that now??? and get back to see your family as soon as possible-- you are homesick and that is probably making you tense also.... Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones..........
2006-12-20 19:09:44 · answer #1 · answered by mac 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
My husband in the Marines and works probably the same hours as your boyfriend does. He leaves for at least two weeks each month to go in the field and goes back to Iraq AGAIN in March. I moved 3000 miles away from all of my family and friends to be with him.It's hard and stressful but am I wasting my time?No chance in hell.I love him more then anything in this world and if I only get to see him for three hours a day before I go to bed or only two months next year, it's worth it. Marriage is about compromising and yes,some sacrificing but if you love someone and can't imagine your life without him, make it work. There are sooo many military wives out there that are making it work.Yeah,it's scary at times but there are support groups.Your boyfriend needs to know that your there supporting him every step of the way.
2006-12-21 05:13:21 · answer #2 · answered by Stephanie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I sort of have an insiders point of view. I'm not a military wife but I was a "military brat". My Dad was a career Marine and I was born and raised on military bases until I was 17 years old when he retired. I saw what my Mom went through. She was hundreds, sometimes thousands, of miles away from her family and friends... we moved CONSTANTLY (12 times by the time I was 14!) and my Dad was often overseas in Okinawa or Iwakuni Japan. They had their ups and downs because she often felt burdened taking care of three kids alone much of the time and not having a family support system around. But she managed to deal with it and kept the family together... despite sometimes wanting to "just go home".
Having said all of that... if you love him, “deeply”, as you say... then what choice do you have but to marry and support him? The times that you're together will make it all worthwhile (or should)... and, perhaps, you'll be able to see the world!! There are pros and cons. You're justified to feel apprehensive. You'd be a fool to go into it blindly. It's good you're considering how you’d be able to handle the military life BEFORE marrying him. It’s a huge commitment that takes dedication, courage and a great deal of strength.
Just to let you know... my parents are still together 30 years later... deeply in love... and my Mom has no regrets about leaving her small home town to "follow" the man she loved all over the world. They have many wonderful memories to talk about now. My Mom thinks of it as an accomplishment now... and it is!
I hope all works out for you!
2006-12-21 03:19:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You need to fully think this through before marring this guy. Being in the military is very demanding, and you will be moving around and he may have time when he is away for an extended period of time. If you cna't handle this, don't marry him. Part of the reason the divorce rate for people in the military is so high is because their spouses don't fully understand what they are getting into. Sometimes he might miss your birthday, your anniversary or even the birth of your child. I would suggest you try to make friends with some of the other military wives, it may be helpful for you. The most important thing you can do for him is give you unconditional support and love. I am in the military and so is my boyfriend and it is very hard, but if you really love him you can make it work.
2006-12-21 03:21:02 · answer #4 · answered by Cocoa 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Seems you have to make a fairly difficult choice here...
As difficult as it may seem however, remind yourself that life is full of risks, and if you are not willing to take the chance to go for what you really desire, you may regret it later.
With that said, there are many ways you can approach this. Seeing that you have already moved all this way just to spend the moments that you can with him, shows that you deeply care for, and love him. Missing him, after moving all that way, is only natural, seeing how his life is surrounding work.
The way that I have often decided in the past, to choose between two difficult choices is this...Which would i regret more? I have always promised myself that no matter what i choose to do in my life, i will never ever regret any choices, situations, experiences that i go through...since through each, i have learned, and grown into the person i am now, and also will be.
Basically, that is what i would recommend, to question what you would regret more.
Staying with him, and knowing full well that there will be many problems, since each relationship has its own trials and tribulations. If you stay with him, you have to be honest with yourself and become totally aware, he is committed to his job, and in many ways it calls for him to prioritize it over you.
However, if you do decide to leave him, will you regret not looking past the day-to-day, and instead having focused on spending even those precious moments with the man you love?
Only you know whether or not your feelings of "wasting your time", just stem from the desire to spend more time with your boyfriend, or they are realizations that this is really not the type of life you will be satisfied with, and you need, and want more, or you imagined something entirely different. There is nothing wrong with a little soul-searching to know what you need, and want in your life..
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Remember, if you do stay together, there are chances that things might not change, and you need to be prepared for it, and not stay miserable and scared, because that will only bring you back to this "fear", and feeling of having made a mistake. It will most probably take a lot of work, maybe you can even cook him meals, make date-nights for the two of you...
You live once, it seems like he loves you, and you love him, the worst that can happen is that it doesnt work out, but then atleast you gave it a fair shot. If it does work, before the two of you get married, tell him, after figuring it out for yourself as well, things that you know you need in order to not feel as though you are wasting your time. It might be the simplest solution, that the two of you go out for a walk with a bottle of wine,couple of nights a wekk, just have time to talk to each other about your day, the different things that went through your minds throughout the day...
You know what you can handle, and what you are willing to comprimise...sometimes it will seem impossible, but then again, everything takes time and effort.
2006-12-21 06:31:19 · answer #5 · answered by Patience 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am marrying a Marine, to which he is about to go for another tour in Iraq in a few months agian.
Luckly, I am marrying him a few months before he gets out in 2008. However, whether married or dating, lonelyness and not being together as the typical relationship would is still the same. My fiance is not re-enlisting as he wants to have civilian job that pays more and wants a family. He hates being away, but he is forced to as the military has control of it until he gets out in 2 years.
All depending on how long your boyfriend is in the Navy for, kinda does determine whether this is the life style you are willing to live with or temporarely deal with until his term is up (that is, if he doesn't re-enlist).
I would recommend discussing his career choice in the Navy. Getting married won't change any of this with being tired, cranky and don't get much time.
Great to support and I am happy you have stayed faithful as most people don't have that strength.
Yet, you also have to think of yourself too and as much as you love him, fighting, arguing and being unhappy is not worth getting into marriage just to get out of marriage when enough is enough a few years down the road, ya know?
2006-12-21 03:24:09 · answer #6 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You did not say if he was going to make the Navy his career. A military wife has to be many things. And she has to be patient and understanding. If you marry him you also marry the US Navy. I was an Army wife. I enjoyed the traveling and meeting many different people. When I was in things were very different for the wives, we had rules and regs right along with the men. One time I was told if the Army wanted the guys to have wives they would have issued them and I would not be the one. But do not think that long hours and heavy schedules only come with the military. Depending on his occupation he may very well have long hours and demanding schedules any time. If you really love him and work together you will make it . (Mrs Dave)
2006-12-21 03:18:03 · answer #7 · answered by david o 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I would think being a military wife would be very hard. Look at it like this. For a couple years you've had a happy life together, what's going to really change if you get married? Why should anything change? As for you both being cranky, things like that happen from time to time in any relationship. Could be it's just a passing thing. Talk with him and see if anything is on his mind. Best of luck to you both!
2006-12-21 03:11:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I hear ya. I'm in the Air Force and it's never easy for us either. We post out in the field 5 days at a time then have 5 off but the last 2 are training days so the divorce rate is huge!! But for you guys, its just like life on the outside if you think of it. Most jobs work the same hours thats why they say 9-5 in that song. But its understandable that you guys are just in need of a vacation. On the next day off talk about it and show he isnt the only one tired and cranky. Im sure it will work itself out and you two love birds will be just fine. Hope nothing but the best!
2006-12-21 03:14:10 · answer #9 · answered by Andrew B 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
its not as hard as you think. either you love and want to be with him or you don't. its that simple. marry someone in the military does require sacrifice. if you are not ready to make it than don't do it. there are times when you will not see you spouse and there are times where they come home cranky from work. its all apart of life and comes with the territory. i wish there was an easier way to say it but its not. i have been an ARMY wife for 5 years and a solder of 10. my husband has been in 5 years longer than me, so we both know how you feel. alli can say is do it if you love and want to support him. if not let him go.
2006-12-21 03:06:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋