Whenever my husband needs to provide me with an explaination about even the smallest situation, his first instinct is to lie. For instance, I know my husband smokes because I have found cigarettes, receipts, and lighters in his things. However, he adamantly denies that he smokes. He says the cigarettes are for his brother. I also can smell smoke on his breath, but he acts as though I am being paranoid. Also, the other day, he lied about using my cell phone (which is not a big deal). He even helped me search for it knowing that he had it. When I checked my account history on my phone, I saw that he had called his work and the doctor's office. Of course, he had an explaination for that as well. We have been together for ten years, and otherwise, we have a great relationship. Should I continue to put up with the lies? What should i do?
2006-12-20 18:10:41 · 20 answers · asked by Tiff 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hey Tiff,
I can tell you from my personal experience with my late husband that chances your husband will stop lying are slim to none. My late husband would lie about the stupidest stuff, stuff not worth lying about. This is a personality disorder that you will not change no matter what you try to do. I begged my husband to stop because first off, I was sick of the nonsense and I was worried my 4 son's (only my youngest son was my husbands') would be under the impression that lies were okay when in fact, they are not okay. Has your husband had a psychological exam? Is he using drug's or alcohol on a regular basis? My late husband was bipolar and an alcoholic.
We can't tell you what to do, you have to finally make that decision for yourself & your kid's (if you have any), do what is right for you. After 5 year's of marriage and my late husband proving he would not stop lying, I asked him to move out, which he did promptly and a few weeks later, he begged me to let him come home promising he'd stop lying and I did let him come home but I caught him in another lie 3 day's later and asked him to leave again. About 2 week's later, he comitted suicide. I was very saddned for my boy's on one hand but realized on the other hand that my boy's now had a chance for a normal life. Thankfully I had detatched from him year's ago, otherwise I may not have been able to stay as strong as I did for my boy's, though I have had my moments from time to time.
Good luck and remember, life is too short to be..........LIED TO by your spouse, the person that is suppose to be completly honest at all times, well unless it's a birthday gift or something like that.
Mary
2006-12-20 18:46:48 · answer #1 · answered by maryannmccarthy2003 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm the wrong person to answer this (or maybe the right person) because I had a very similar situation that ended badly. It was just like you describe. Always stupid lies that were seemingly unimportant. So hard to get overly mad or make much of a deal out of because they were for nothing. And you didn't say this, but kind of hinted at it, that even when caught in a lie they would vehemently lie more or deny the truth that you know.
And so it went for me for 10 years. Then one day the lies weren't small and insignificant anymore. She was cheating and living a double life (though that was denied even with the proof standing in front of me).
I hope you don't end like me. But I do think that Trust is crucial to a strong relationship and you need to explain that. And hold to it.
Good luck!
2006-12-20 18:20:25 · answer #2 · answered by ngfl44 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why would your husband have to lie to you about smoking or using your cell phone to call his job ? ,
He is a grown man, He should be able to do either of those thing's with out permission from anyone .. I would come right out and ask him why he is lying about small petty stuff . Tell him it is really beginning to make you wonder about your relationship. The best policy is honesty, so there must be a reason for such small lies.. You will be the one that has to ask him. I'm also wondering if you ever told him you knew he had lied on either issue that you listed .. It just sounds strange to me.. Wish I could have helped more..
2006-12-20 18:23:01 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you should be worried. Because if he lies to you about this, it makes you wonder what else has he lied about to you. Where is the trust and the respect in the relationship. And what about the vows you both said to each other. Does that mean anything to him. You should talk to him. Tell him you know for a fact that he is smoking. And you two need to talk about it. Because it is never good to lie in a marriage. It destroys the trust that you have built. And once the trust is destroyed it is hard to trust again
2006-12-20 20:13:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down with your husband and let him know why you don't want him to smoke although I feel you are going a bit over board with the cell phone account history issue ( which you stated is not a big deal). Discuss with him the big issues and leave the little ones alone. If you really look at it - it could be a whole lot worse................
2006-12-20 18:47:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Miss Tiff, mmmmmmmmmm you need to confront this stuff like right now. You know you don't like it, why deal with it? It after 10 years he just started, hell na he is up to some stuff and you can't trust him. If he has always been that way, then you know what you got yourself into. However I would guess this is new, which means he up to some stuff. Smoking? Cell phone use? Why lie, just keep it real. You need to have a real conversation with him, if he gives answers that sound like bull, it's probably bull. Good luck!
2006-12-20 18:37:51 · answer #6 · answered by SOLO KING 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes you should be worried. You may have a 'good' relationship because he lies about things you wouldn't be happy about. If he has no problem lying about every little stupid thing then he most definately knows to lie about big stuff. I've been in relationships with lyers and found out later that they were screwing another woman. They told me they loved me and still try to get back together with me. Love isn't everything. You need trust and security too! You need to confront him on this issue!
2006-12-20 18:17:54 · answer #7 · answered by Lexi Lexington 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
let me tell you something from personal experience.
little lies escalate to big lies.
sometimes, they can be compulsive meaning after a while they actually do it so much that they believe what they are saying is true. and little white lies dont seem like big problems until they start trying to get away with bigger lies.
confront this. you have to. it will bother you, wondering what else he might be lying about and whats worse, is the fact that he MIGHT be lying about other things.
2006-12-20 18:15:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like he might have a little problem with the truth.
But, in my case, I must admit that I tell little white lies to my wife all the time. She is a bossy and a nag. I would love to tell her the truth but I know that I'm going to get hassled for it and I don't want to be. So I tell lies. Nothing big. I don't have a girlfriend on the side or anything like that. But when I go out with friends, when I buy a toy, that kind of thing.
If she won't be a nag I won't be a liar.
2006-12-20 18:31:41 · answer #9 · answered by Alan 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
If he lies about the small stuff I definitely would be worried about the big stuff........Smoking would be on my big stuff list, accusing you of being paranoid, and he damn well knows he's lieing??Big stuff. You say you have been together ten years, is his lieing new? Or has this been going on all ten years? If so why is it a problem now?
2006-12-20 18:28:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋