Did I do the right thing on divorcing my beautiful high school sweetheart of 15 years?

Question

My heart is shattered. She is 30 now and I am 33. Our marriage started to become routine after our two boys were born, ages 7 and 9 now. We moved to a very remote area of central Oregon 5 years ago to manage my fathers cattle ranch. After living here about two years she gambled about 40 thousand dollars on our credit cards while visiting here terminaly ill mother in California. I felt like she was doing this as an escape from dealing with her mothers illness. We had to file bankruptcy and my trust with her became low. She had to get a job after that driving the school bus and working in the school kitchen. She just told me 5 weeks ago that she has no feelings for me and does not want to work on our marriage.Then I found out that she is having a relationship with a single school teacher. I had to go to the ER for emotional shock and now I sit in a deep depression. My father said divorce her and I did, it was a very fast divorce. I still love her so very much, did I do the right thing?

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear about what all you're going through. that's a lot to deal with in a very short time.
your wife chose to make some really bad decisions. the gambling was enough, but telling you that she didn't want to work on your marriage, and that she has no feelings for you, that's just cold. and I'm sorry to have to say this, but you'll be better off without her in the long run. I know it is very hard for you right now, but you just put your trust in God, and He will get you through this. and that's a promise.
and love is something that doesn't just stop over night. so it's totally understandable that you still love her and miss her. but remember, you still have your boys, and they need you and love you. and that's something that will never change. they're going to need their dad now more than ever. there's a special bond between dads and their sons. I realilze that they're still very young, but those little boys can bring you a lot of comfort and support.
and I believe you did the right thing by going ahead with the divorce. when someone says what she said to you, and has already started an affair, it's time to let them go. and in time you will meet someone who will love you, and love your boys, and make you happy. I know it doesn't seem possible, but it will happen in time.
I'm going to keep you and your boys in my prayers. and I wish you only the very best.

Answer 2

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He still has another life or the vestiges of another life with someone else. In other words, he's not completely yours. You know it and if he's not completely dense, then he knows it. Coming out of a divorce is extremely difficult and for the above reasons that you stated not only emotionally but financially as well. However, receiving mail at her house, the insurance plan, the dogs - what is that all about?!?! Obviously something is going on and it's not right. I'm not trying to imply that he is cheating but he is not completely disconnected from this person. In my opinion, it would be no wonder that the ex would still have feelings for him when they still are sharing a life even if he's not sleeping under the same roof. He needs to change his mailing address. It's a pain but it has to be done. He has to change the primary beneficiary of his insurance plan to someone other than his ex, they need to work out some arrangements regarding the dogs (maybe he gets one and she gets another or set up some kind of visitation), change the name on the house, have seperate car insurances, etc. This "one foot in, one foot out" deal is really ridiculous! I also can't help but be a little disappointed that he's been living with you for the past three years and you've gotten your daughter involved in caring for him. Before you moved him in, all of these issues should have been resolved so that you two could create a life together and not have his ex so involved in the picture. You really took a chance on letting him become involved in your life and now it's causing more problems than it should have, had it been resolved the right way. Is he looking to make a long term commitment with you? If so, then you're going to have to let him know that you won't go any further in this relationship until those issues get resolved. However, from what I've read, it seems as though he won't be in a rush to get married already having gone through a divorce and still not having it be completely resolved. I'm afraid this will play out to an unhappy end, with you and your daughter being hurt the most from it.

Answer 3

Having been through a very similar experience with someone that I truly loved, my heart goes out to you. I know very well exactly the emotions you are going through - confusion, self doubt, longing for what you had, a horrible feeling of emptiness - and all without warning at any time of the day or night. In my case the experience was 8 years ago and while the pain of the process is behind me, the memories of the pain aren't. There isn't a magic pill that will change what happened or make you feel better. It sounds to me like you put your heart into a relationship as well as your trust and she broke both.

And did you do the right thing? I think so. I also live in rural Oregon and am raising my daughter (8) as a single parent. I have not found anyone to replace the friend I lost, but I have found that the relationship with my daughter is closer than it would have been. I've found that as much as I truly miss the friend I had, I don't miss the problems that surfaced during our marriage. I suspect after a bankruptsy you can agree you don't need that anymore! And if your relationship with your wife grew as cold as mine did, I doubt things would have gotten better over time.

I'm willing to talk with you more if you like - but not on so public a forum. You can e-mail me via answers.

Answer 4

You know a fast divorce is usually not the answer, When you married her it was for better or worse, richer or poorer, and so on, You should not have listened to your father, and hastily ran out to get a divorce, She was your wife and not his. Sure ,everything she did was wrong, but You should have had a lot of communication with her to see if the marriage was able to be saved. Divorce is a horrible thing to experience, the expert's rate it up there with death., as far as the most stressful and terrible things life have to offer ... I really feel terrible for you, wish I could help more.. Maybe if you looked at the situation from another angle, and tried to move on a bit , she will see what she lost, But if you are just going to lay around and be miserable, I don't think she will want to come back to that.. I not trying to be mean. But you have to act happy and see about yourself first. Once you get out of this rut, I think you will feel better about yourself , and realize that if she can't see you for the good person that you are then she lost a good thing. Honey this is life,, use the cards you were dealt, Try to make a Straight Flush out of them, in time you will ..Time heals most things.. Take Good Care of Your Sons.. The Best Of Luck To You

Answer 5

You did the right thing. There is no excuse for deliberately betraying the trust between you. She said she doesn't want to work on the marriage. Let her go. If she comes back, be cautious and wait and observe before making any commitments. This is what she apparently wanted. All you can do is let her go. Things will get better for you one way or another. Just hang in there. Your gut will tell you the truth.

Answer 6

As a recently married man, I can only give a little advice and it is this, "a person can only do so much in a relationship, it takes two to complete one." If she does not want to work on the relationship and she is cheating to boot, I would have divorced her too. I know that's not a great answer, but it's the best I've got.

Answer 7

yes...you did the right thing by divorcing her! Of course, you still love her...you have a lot of history and first times with this woman! however, she has moved on and left you behind! you may still love her but that does not mean that she is good for you...understand? You need to give yourself time to heal and to grieve! Maybe, seek some professional help like counciling! You deserve better and you need to move on with your life!! I wish you the best of luck!!!!

Answer 8

i believe so, if she feels as though she doesnt love you, then there is no point in staying with her. She is the one that is losing out. you have done nothing but support her from the sounds of it. i doubt a man with a teachers salary and who has low enough morals to be sleeping with a married woman could do more for her than you have. i understand you are unhappy, you have just had to leave the love of your life. but as cliched as it is, time heals all wounds, and you will find a woman who is much more deserving than you. as for right now your obligation should be to yourself and your children. do what you need to do to make the three of you happy. Good luck.

Answer 9

I am no one to judge... but divorce is a big percentage of what america is going thru right now more than 75% of marriages go bad, I feel sorry for you and if she was your highschool sweet heart im very sorry. I too right now I am engage to mine and we will soon marry in time. We do fight and we argue but i know and i realize that she is a part of me and me of her, maybe just maybe its not to late.. approach her with a caution and tell her the way you feel thats all u can do..... be honest and remember that you and her is not what is at stake, your children and their future. Parents when they are divorced, their children go thru more than u can imagine, the deppression and the sorrow and the ache of your heart is very minumm of what they will go thru.
either they will go up felling rejection, haterd, rebbelious,deppression,ADD, and i can go on; but most important your children need a father and a mother figure to develop in society with out both of u they are lost in a pit of hell and a pit of confusion and as i said rejection blame and fault......
For the way your marriage went and why it feels like like it was a routine, you and your spouse didnot keep the kendel of love growing. THis happens alot to people in marriages when they work to much, or not concentrate on what they have. I belive so you say you are thirty three, im saying but not one hundred percent sure that around that age men have not a menalpause but a type of hormon release into their brain were they think of their accomplishments on life and right away they want to start all over everyting in their life..... As I said im no one to judge she did do wrong and she did screw up, but forgivness will be a key in this problem to finding out if you lover her and your kids, I know it not easy to say or do... but at this time u will be tested to the most inner part of u and your soul and your strength and your mine..... as i said im not the one to judge.............

Answer 10

Sounds to me like you didn't have a choice. You may have filed the papers but SHE divorced YOU!