When I hold her hand I don't feel anything...should I? How should it feel after 23 years? When I hug her something is missing. I don't feel the love anymore for my wife. I feel friendship, compassion, she is a really good person, but the love is missing and I am not really that happy in this relationship. She loves me dearly. We have two children in college. We were married right out of high school and am wondering how real our love was/is? Starting to wonder if there is someone else out there for me. Any thoughts?
2006-12-20 17:24:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Marriage is sacred! Before you married her you should have asked yourself if you were willing to be with her the rest of your life! Trading her in for a newer model will only bring you much pain! The newer model is more expensive, and will require much more to keep her happy. She will then tire of you and maybe trade YOU in for a newer model! How is that for justice? Only the newer model will make sure she takes all she can before she leaves! Maybe she will have a few kids to make sure you will have to pay for those fleeting few moments of pleasure? That sentence will be carried out for the next 18 years! So much for retirement! She might even get the house and car and whatever you are foolish enough to lavish on this "newer model"! If she stays with you long enough, she will get tired of seeing you soak your dentures on the nightstand and of your expanding waistline! The very thought of you will make her sick! Meanwhile, your loving ex wife will be changing her hairstyle and getting in shape to meet her new guy somewhere and you will see her looking smart and sleek with a new handsome guy by her side. You will see her lavish the love she had for you on another male.He will consider it wonderful that he has a faithful and sweet companion who wants him for who he is and not what he has. You also must consider your children who will think you are a real loser to have caused their mom such pain! Do you think they will accept your new "younger model" with open arms? Think this over and I do hope she lives in a state where she gets most of the assets if you decide to deal with a loving wife in such a wretched way! Men like you do make me ill! You will get what you deserve if you hurt your wife!
2006-12-20 18:13:08 · answer #1 · answered by Marie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not sure how you "should" feel. If you are not really that happy in this relationship, as you say, then either something is missing, or you have already begun to "look" towards someone else. There's also the midlife crisis thing, but I'd go with a or b. Perhaps you've met someone interesting and is starting to wonder if it's time to change the status quo. Forgive me if it's not the case- it's just a guess.
My advice would be to start with the man in the mirror - what is it that feels like it's missing? Is it the spark? Or are there real issues that you've been avoiding - a feeling of being a "brother" or "friend" but no more. Sometimes people fall out of love and into the roll of room mates if they are not careful. And it does sound like you have indeed fallen out of love.
If truly there is no-one who has caught your eye, then talk to your wife about what you feel is missing/wrong. If there is, then true love is worth the pain - whichever your true love is... don't misunderstand...
It's not too late to repair things, and it's never to late to start over - kids will grow up and move on in the end and the only one sitting with What If's will be you. IF that other woman is worth it, move those mountains; just just bear in mind the many people involved.
Again, I could be wrong. It could simply be the fire's gone out. You could either do what you both did at first to get the spark back, or you can choose to part ways as friends. Difficult, difficult choice. I wish you luck. Oh - and whatever comments anyone has about my advice - I'm not interested.
2006-12-20 18:54:47 · answer #2 · answered by Sugar 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You have been married long enough to know.That sometimes all you feel is friendship for the other person.All marriages have their lulls.Besides the best marriages are basically friendships.I understand what you mean about the hand holding thing.But I also know that in a long term relationship eventually you stop getting weak in the knees from the other persons touch.Or at least there are times that you don't feel much.You need to ask yourself if you are just in a rut or is it over.Think about it before you do anything.You need to ask you self if you could live without this person.And weather you can bare the thought of waking up every morning without them for the rest of your life.Because if you decide to end things you might not be able to ever go home again.If you later decide you have made a mistake.If you truly feel has though you really aren't in love with her anymore.Do something about it.It is cruel to keep leading her on and letting her think everything is o.k..You aren't doing her any favors by staying and wasting her time if you don't love her.Let her go so she can find someone who will love her the way she deserves to be.
2006-12-21 01:02:44 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Lots of good answers here. You've invested 23 years of your life. You've gotten quite a bit in return. But look at your friends and acquaintances. How many are on their 2d and 3d marriages? Are they married to really different women or pretty much the same type? Sure a new woman would bring you a spark but you know what happens as the years go by, you have to do other things than just make sparks. So where would you be 5 years from now with a newer model compared to where you'll be 5 years from now with your current spouse? Seriously consider couples therapy. Your situation is not unique. Just very personal.
2006-12-20 17:44:11 · answer #4 · answered by judgebill 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion is to find a way to rekindle the fire. If you really want to stay with her, find a way to love her again. Take her out on a real date. Ask her if you can take her out and then make sure the two of you get ready apart from each other. Get a hotel room and you get ready there. Let her know what time you are going to pick her up. Be on time and on your best behavior. You don't have to go anywhere fancy, just go out and have a good time. Go back to the hotel just to relax. Make sure to have some champagne on ice and a box of chocolates or something. If you are in the mood, the drink the champagne and have a nice time. If not, then don't pressure yourself. Just relax and have fun watching tv. It is having these fun, loving times together than can sometimes help you rekindle those old feelings.
Also, get out pictures from a time when you know you were in love. Relive those memories and remember why you fell in love with her.
If you leave her now and try to find someone else, I guarantee you are not going to end up happy in the long run. I don't think you are feeling a lack of love, I think you are feeling like you are in a rut. If you left her and she moved on with another man, just picture how that would make you feel. Picture another guy holding your wife and touching her. Doesn't it make you sick? If it does, then you are not out of love, you are just in the need of a "new" feeling, like when you first were infatuated with eachother. That can be found just by going out on dates and really just spending a lot of quality time alone. It will get better!
2006-12-20 17:32:20 · answer #5 · answered by bashnick 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure you still love her but that love changed to friendship which is not bad. It's great that you still hold hands and hug...
Wanting to hold her hand and hug her is what counts, even the feeling that you had before is not there anymore...but you care. The feeling just changed, but it's still there in a different way.
It's normal what you are feeling after 23 years.
You should ask yourself why you are not happy? what is missing? (my guess is the sex)
It's not that bad really, I think men who are 40-45 confuse sex and love. Women at the same age start menopause so their sexual cravings diminish, that's why men have midlife crisis.
But I think you are a caring and loving husband and I am sure you still love your wife. Spice up your sex life, take her out on romantic evenings, plan fun vacations.... your kids are all grown up so you have the house all to yourself, so go wild.
Good Luck, don't give up on her...she is the one for you
2006-12-20 17:44:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I went through a similar problem about 2 years ago. Being married for so long, you tend to get into a rut. Now that the children are in college, it's time to "date" again.
My husband and I agreed to see a marriage counselor, this really helped. She gave us tips on falling back "in love" with each other. I'll be honest, it takes work, and both parties have to work at it. But our relationship is better now than it was when we first started dating.
One problem in marriages, is we forget how to really communicate. Ask you wife how she feels. She may love you, but feel like she's not "in love" with you. Maybe you both are feeling something missing, but you are having trouble communicating this to each other.
I hope things work out for you whether you decide to try working it out with you wife or not. But I hope you don't just give up. That could be a mistake.
2006-12-20 17:37:19 · answer #7 · answered by Fireant 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What do you mean ??? Do you think after 25 years you are going to have that heated passion of yester- year??? We are grown ups here and I have been married for near 20 years--and yet I cant imagine life without my husband--and have had life without him and it sucked--I thought I couldnt stand another moment and then we said no more--guess what ??? I thought I was going to loose my mind--But that is now---let me take you back when I was 18 --I married my high school sweetheart--right out of school --we lasted 10 years--had two kids and I used to cringe when he would touch me---He too loved me but I just couldnt pretend anymore--Leaving was the best feeling in the world--and I have never regretted it sence---So why telling you about then and now??? (This is the Good part) the difference is that when you spend many many years with someone and the thought of not having them terrifies you ?? You know it its to be forever--But when you can think that you have missed the boat and it makes you smile to go in search of it?? You are going to need to rethink what you have already spent and try and figure out if you want to stay and settle or go for it--
2006-12-20 17:54:19 · answer #8 · answered by skizzle-d-wizzle 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Marriage is like that....at first its a steamy sexy bond of love and emotion. Then its friendship. You cant think that you will always have butterflies. You are prob having a midlife thing. I suggest you take your wife on a trip and buy her some hott underwear and feed her strawberries. Im just sayin get the spark back. Maybe she's a hott animal and she is waiting on you to bring it back out of her. Good luck!
2006-12-20 17:30:02 · answer #9 · answered by the_one 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think love is what you are feeling, and that the lust and spark have gone out of your marriage. You really need to set her down and explain to her what you feel. Maybe the 2 of you can bring back the spark you once had. This is not fair to her either, work on it now befoe you do something you regret and lose the woman you THOUGHT you felt no love for. She could easily find a man who knows he loves her............WORK ON IT WHILE YOU CAN BUD I HAVE SEEN THIS MANY TIMES AND YOU WILL FIND THE LOVE YOU ONCE HAD!
2006-12-20 17:38:44 · answer #10 · answered by april s 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋