Ok, I know I am probably going to sound very selfish and people are going to be mad but I need help with this one. My husband and I just got married about a month ago, we dated for a little over four years. Over the past four years I've only seen his son like 3 days a month at the most because thats all he basically had him. Two days after we get home from our honeymoon his ex calls and says shes moving to Florida and no longer wants their son. We go from kid 3 days a month for over four years to now kid 24/7 and I am having a really hard time with it. I just keep getting angry because I couldn't wait to get home to start our new life and now we never get to talk because his son needs constant attention and sex pretty much doesn't exist. I feel bad but this is the life style I was not looking for and now i feel trapped because my husband crys that I am going to leave him and I feel bad for his son but I feel like I won't be able to handle this.
Help...what to do?
2006-12-20 15:23:49 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
By the way his side of family thinks I should give up school and work to raise the son, so thats making it tough as well.
2006-12-20 15:52:12 · update #1
I had an experience much like you. My hubbies ex left for another state and I became a full time mom literally over night. I was also in college and not ready to be a mom or give up school. We had already been together for 3 years and he was the love of my life. We got custody of his daughter when she was 5. Mom never did take the child back again, btw.
I ended up suspending my education and remained with my husband though it was one hell of an upset to all the plans we hade made together. I took one semester off, we worked out child care and other things and we both finished school as planned, though just a bit later than we wanted to. We also had the problems of trying to help a girl who had grown up with an immature, neglectful mother which kept things interesting.
At some point, (and I am not sure when) God lead me in the direction we all needed to be. Today I have a beatiful step-daughter who loves me and thanks ME for being her mom and I celbrated 20 years of togetherness with my husband last April.
It was a tough adjustment and at many points I wanted to just run away. But I stuck with it and it did work out. Now I can see the love that we gave her being given to her son (our grandson). It's a wonderful thing to know you made a difference in the life of a child.
It can be done. It won't be easy. But, it can be done. Look inside yourself though before you decide to have children and see if you can make if for the long haul. Please don't subject your kids to the trials of divorce. This event will effect your life in many ways and you have to be honest with yourself about that from the get go. Go easy on yourself and don't blame yourself for reacting to a life changing situation that you couldn't have planned for. When the shock of the situation begins to fade, the panic will subside and you'll be able to think about the situation. Don't forget either that your hasband is going through much of what you are. He may have many doubts and fears. Talk to each other, often.
2006-12-20 17:18:04 · answer #1 · answered by scorpio1913 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's pretty tough and it won't get easier for awhile. It's a difficult and thankless role and responsibility, so I understand. At least you are aware of your feelings.. and actually it's pretty natural to be frustrated.
You just have to take things one day at at time. You and hubby will have to decide how you will work things out as far as parenting. That will help down the line.
Be patient and try to plan some time for you and your spouse - may be a date night where you can get a friend or neighbor to watch your stepson in exchange for something you can help her with.
When you can do it sincerely, assure your husband that you will not leave him because of his son. He needs to know this. But he also needs to avoid the common traps that divorced parents get in to - which is trying to overcompensate for the boy's situation. Don't let them feel sorry for the little guy because he mom didn't want him. This will be very tough because your stepson will (if he hasn't already) feel like he is not wanted and that he can't trust you either.
If I had to do it all over again, I would be more gentle but still be insistent about house rules and having structure.. The boy is not at fault for the situation. Try to remind yourself of this. Who will love this boy if you don't? You can handle it, no matter how tough it seems. Maybe this happened for a reason.
My stepson is 18 now and in the military. It's been a long journey and not without mistakes, but you do the best you can because you love your husband. You will have your time eventually.
Good luck. I really feel for you. But the work you for this boy in the end will be very rewarding and they will both thank you later for accepting him into your heart and home.
2006-12-20 23:42:20 · answer #2 · answered by pinniethewooh 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband and discuss together how you both will raise his son. Don't be to hasty to leave him...maybe some family counseling would help all of you..You have only been married a month, and the son may just be having a very difficult time adjusting remember if you only saw him 3 days a month, that is all he saw you also, and most of all from what you said his mother just up and abandoned him too..so give it some time, get some counseling, and most of all do not take it out on your husband or the child..You all have to adjust and it will take time. You never said how old the child is but if he is still young YOU have a chance to become his "mom" and that is something you Don't want to miss out on.
2006-12-20 23:29:30 · answer #3 · answered by HappyGoLucky 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are very selfish. Here you have the chance to show this little boy, the child of the man you picked to marry and possibly create more kids with later on, that even though his mother abandoned him, there are still adults out there that care. And yet you are more worried about how this screws up your life? Guess what, life rarely goes according to plan, and you've got to learn to roll with the punches. What if your husband had been in a car wreck and was now maimed for life, and instead of taking care of his kid all day, you would have to take care of him, would you walk out on him then, because it isn't what you planned? Surely you can find some compromises, maybe help this little child through the transition period, the kid will settle down and become less needy eventually, and if you were loving and caring, it might be sooner rather than later. Buck up,be strong, and take small moments to recharge when you need them. Be willing to say, I need a little space, but surely it doesn't have to be all or nothing?
2006-12-20 23:34:40 · answer #4 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Regardless if you only saw his son a few times a month, you knew that he had a son. When you agreed to marry this man, you also agreed to take on the responsibilites of a step mother. You dated him for four years, you had plenty of time to think about whether or not you wanted to take on this role. Even though this isn't quite the life you had planned, does not mean it cannot work. Perhaps it wasnt fair for his ex to do this but it is also not fair for you to make things so rough on the kid or his father. I'm sure it will take time to get used to. If you don't see things getting better on their own over time, perhaps try family counseling. Don't make him choose between his son and you because if he is any sort of a man he will choose his son hands down. Just remember that you invested 4 plus years into this relationship for a reason.
2006-12-20 23:37:54 · answer #5 · answered by d_magical_s_sweetness 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How is your relationship with the son? My BF has a 12 year old son that I simply do not like. I have given the kid every chance, and am close to ending my relationship so I dont have to have the kid around. He wants to move the kid in, I told him no, I own the house, I am scared for my safety and the boy has a history of violence and other problems, see my questions if you want detals.You are NOT selfish for feeling this way, you were not expecting this. It is a big change, but as long as there no violence of anything like that I would give it a try though.
2006-12-20 23:31:07 · answer #6 · answered by eastcoastdebra 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, congratulations on your wedding. I hope it was a magical day for you and you had the time of your life.
About his son: I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm sure finding out that your own mother doesn't want you is tough, and he's probably feeling pretty crummy right now. Depending on his age, he can be handleing this in so many different ways. I'm not sure if he's acting out, crying a lot, being super-needy. However he is handleing it, I know it's not easy for him. It's only been a month, this is a lot for him to deal with.
Your husband sounds like he's worried about his son's well being, as he should be. Without sounding like you think his kid is crazy, maybe you can bring up the subject of counseling. Feeling unwanted and unloved is tough for anyone, especially when you're a kid and it comes from the one person in the world you should feel safe and loved with; your mother.
With or without couseling, you'll get into the swing of things, and so will your step-son. Try being there for him, seeing if he wants to talk. Maybe the kid feels like he can't open up to his father because he doesn't want his dad to think he doesn't like being there. Maybe let him know that it's ok to miss his mom and it's ok to feel homesick for his old house. Things like that will help bond the two of you, and then it won't feel like such a chore having him around. As far as the sex, wait until the kid is in bed. Trust me, sex is possible with kids. Plus, the whole "don't let the kids hear" thing kind of adds to the exitement.
The first year of marriage is always the hardest. Wait it out a year and if you're just totally miserable, then think about divorce. I know this isn't what you signed up for, but things may work out. Sometimes things don't work out for us the way we imagine - they work out better! Just try to keep a good attitude about it, that makes a world of difference.
Congradulations on your marriage and welcome to motherhood! I hope all works out for you and you and your new family are in my prayers.
2006-12-20 23:37:03 · answer #7 · answered by Kallie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are being very honest about how you feel. Have you talked to your husband in such an honest way? Tell him you love him and that it will take some time for all of you to adjust to the situation. I know it is hard, but remember that the child did not choose this situation either. He is probably hurt and confused about his mother no longer wanting him and he also probably knows that he is causing problems with you and his father.
If you have a religious leader, go to him/her for guidance.
In the mean time, you and your husband need to have one night a week just for the two of you.
I also suggest that you need time alone for just you every week.
Please seek professional help for the whole family.
Good luck and GOD bless!
Happy holidays!
2006-12-20 23:34:53 · answer #8 · answered by moonlight_is_harmonious_1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your avatar looks sad!! ASAP PLEASE GET SOME help from family, friends on both sides, do not be afraid to ask. Call a lawyer about what that runaway did and everything else and stick close to your husband. Each of you need to support each other right now and for a long time. It will get better and you will find that you couldn't live without the little tyke. Have the witch sign her son off permantly so she don't come back a year from now and take him!!!
2006-12-20 23:32:16 · answer #9 · answered by rhonda_seiler 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry. These feeelings occur quite often. Just think of the poor child and the mental trauma he has to suffer. You three can make a plan. Tell your husband to give you some time also, like Satuday evenings or Sundays afternoons, when your kid is away to a friend's house. Tell him your problems openly. creating a shell around you won't help. You can also bond more your stepchild so the relationship isn't as strained as now.
Best of luck.
2006-12-20 23:31:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋