My fiance's decided he wants to go back to school, which will require moving. There's no way we can rent, pay for tuition, AND have enough left for a baby on one income.
The job market in the area we'll be moving to is not good. I'll probably be supporting both of us. Some of our savings will be spent on living however long it is before I find a job myself.
Now he says 5 years before we can start trying again. Two for school (but it will definitely take longer), one to move back and find a job, and two more to get started on the house. Although I don't know what money he's planning to build the house with, because we won't be able to save any more. But I can't deceive him into it or ask him to change his mind. He's already told me it's made up. I respect this, but I still want a child. Not in five years, SOON. How am I supposed to get over this? I won't even have my nephews to babysit anymore.
How can I stop thinking about wanting a child? I'm obsessing and depressed over it now.
2006-12-20 13:57:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Trying to Conceive
I've tried talking to him about it and he says this is something he really wants, even though he said before that he was done with school and wanted to have a family soon. It doesn't seem to matter that the house, kids, etc were all things I really wanted, too. He got my hopes up, and that really hurts now that he's changing his mind. I don't see how he could just up and tell me to get an IUD after almost a year of TTC and multiple promises that he wanted to have kids young.
Especially since this is coming only a week after we thought I was pregnant, he seemed excited, and then got back a negative blood test. I was already depressed ... but this is just too much.
2006-12-20 13:59:01 · update #1
Chris, yes, we were planning on being married before any baby was born. That is important to me. But since both our fathers work offshore and are only home about a week every couple months, April was going to be the first time it was possible. Now it'll be pushed back even further, to December, because that's the next time they'll both be home and we'll have time for a ceremony.
And Black Metal, yes, I agree he should find a job too. But the way he puts it, the only way he'll be able to finish in 2 years is by focusing everything on schoolwork. I think that's an exaggeration and he COULD get something part-time, but we lived in the area before when I was in college, and his first time around. The only part-time gigs are overnight shifts at McDonald's. And honestly, after gas to get him there and everything, what he would make would barely cover what it cost him to work.
2006-12-20 14:32:18 · update #2
Well It sounds like he may be having some feelings about what just happened. If you are still young there really is time. I know that it may seem unfair at the moment and you are most likely feeling sad also. Try to find something else to focus on like getting in the best shape that you can to have a child. Or a job and saving money for the baby. Enjoy each other and believe me things usually have a way of working out.
2006-12-20 14:35:40 · answer #1 · answered by wesleyann 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't really stop thinking about, if it's something you're sure you really want then you shouldn't have to forget about, maybe just put it on a hold for a little while. The most important thing when it comes to having children is that they need a good parent/parents to care for them and raise them. Being able to support them is important also, but there are parents out there who didn't plan on it-it happened-and they dealt with it. Maybe what you should really do is evaluate your relationship, you know make sure it's absolutely the right one for you. If the two of you really love eachother and want these same things(go with your gut on whether you believe that he does or not) then maybe waiting a few more years to get everything in order wouldn't be such a bad idea. I believe that being prepared whenever possible can make anything go a little smoother. So all in all you should definetly make sure your relationship is where you want it to be, that's important, that the two of you are on the same page. There might be another reason for why you feel so strongly about this, you might even consider talking to someone. Hang in there it will happen someday, jusy don't try and rush it.
2006-12-20 14:34:38 · answer #2 · answered by abbey_stella 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I am so sorry. Sounds like maybe you're both on different pages. Try telling him how YOU feel. If you both made promises and now he's backing out without considering your feelings maybe you should both re-evaluate the entire situation.
It's natural for a woman to want to be a mother. That's the way God designed us. Maybe he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear at the time.
Take it from me, there is NEVER going to be the "perfect" time to have children. If you wait for money or more time, etc. you'll be waiting forever.
My husband and I can't have children of our own, we plan to adopt. I know how hard the waiting game is! I've been trying, planning and waiting for years. Now it seems all I do is cry.....Don't do this to yourself. Depending on your ages, it may be the only chance you get....But before you bring a child into this world, you need to get things right with him. Get on the same page or the marriage and family life will never work!
Remember to trust in God and seek his answers in your life, always. That way, everything will truly be PERFECT!
God Bless!
2006-12-20 14:10:27 · answer #3 · answered by nugirl 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
You can't. You have your mind made up, you want a child and you want one right now. The only way to put this at ease is for you to have a baby.
Your fiance wants to go back to school. You state that only you will have a job not he, correct? Why can he not get a job as well? When I went to college I worked my way through and kept up good grades. So I don't understand why he cannot get a job himself. The area's job selection is very small, does he know this? Why not suggest to him online classes. He can sit in the leisure of his and your own home. He can keep a steady job, or find one (if thats the case) and you will soon be closer to mother hood.
2006-12-20 14:11:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
You sound like I did before I found out I was pregnant... Do you really think YOU determine how your life goes, or do you think God does?
I was still in college (just starting my last year) when I found out I was pregnant. Sure, I wanted nothing more to be financially prepared for a child (hence me going to college), but we made it work. Doesn't everyone? I'm not telling you to go out and have a baby because everything will work out, I'm telling you that whatever lemon is thrown your way, you have to make something out of it...
Good luck! :)
Also, people go through phases... Are you going through a phase, is he going through a phase, or are both of you?
The worst thing to do is rush someone (or yourself) out of a phase, it will only make them more upset. Just take it day by day, week by week. You'll be fine! Maybe he'll realize once again that school just isn't for him, but if not, hang in there!
2006-12-20 14:03:54 · answer #5 · answered by Tasha 2 · 7⤊ 1⤋
I would look into foster care here in Aus they pay the required amount to feed the child etc they just don't pay for you to look after the child , this way your focus will be on helping these poor children who may need you for only a couple of months .
Also if you respect your husbands decision and have gone with it don't be mopeing around if you weren't happy with it or changed your mind talk to you husband as there is 2 people in the relationship and compromise, hope this helps
2006-12-20 18:09:59 · answer #6 · answered by DJ 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are obviously very young. I remember feeling the same way. We argued over it and we waited. We never actually had any of our own, my sister is a dead beat and we have custody of her kids. They're great and we love them to death. However, babies grow up. They get suspended from school, learn to argue, never clean their room, tell you they hate you when they don't get their own way, feel sorry for themselves when priveledges are suspended instead of seeing they wrong they do and are never going to be grateful for anything you do for them untill they have their own kids. As for spending time with your nephews, I'm sure it's wonderful and you love them. Try volunteering at a teen outreach center and spend some time with kids who have minds of their own and that might help get you past the baby fascination. They don't stay babies.
2006-12-20 14:07:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anna O 2 · 3⤊ 6⤋
do you think he could have give up hope after a year and decided to focuss his attention on school instead of the ttc disappointment?
you never do i have lost 5 babies and even through all that and endless test i never stopped thinking about having a baby.
2006-12-20 14:04:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry, but he sounds selfish !!!! Thinking ONLY of HIS feelings and pushing yours aside !!!! Where do you fall in line ? Hes putting his WANTS above yours !!! What makes him so special ???!!!! Truth is, you will NEVER stop wanting a child ! It will only get worse NOT better...NO matter what ya do....... Ask him---------your priorities-------am I at the top of your priority list OR at the bottom????!!!! Does your wants come before my feelings ??!!! You said YOU SIR----you wanted a child---got my hopes up, then smashed me !!!!!! Say I'm not a toy with NO emotions you can play with !!! I'm not a robot !!!! ---~~ Sorry but he is selfish !!!!
2006-12-20 16:42:32 · answer #9 · answered by Missy 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you can stop thinking about having a baby by going to a spa or do somn u like doing or get som rosmary it helps alot smell it and relax
2006-12-20 14:01:18 · answer #10 · answered by rahimsmpsn 1 · 0⤊ 9⤋