How can I help my child?

Question

My daughter is 14 and lives with her Dad in another state. I chat with her on the Internet and she says things like "I wish that I was never born" or "I am a problem child."

My ex -husband is not home until late each night. So, she is home alone for a few hours and eats dinner independently most of the time.

He also does not help her with her school work or drive her to activities after school. She is always the one who has to look for rides and her friends get tired of giving them to her.

My ex is thinking of moving so I don't want to move back to the state where she lives immediately.

I feel sad because her friends make comments to her that she has no one to go shopping with except her grandmother and that's not fun.

I have asked my ex to give me custody, but he says that she does not want to move to the state where I live. She says that I don't know her. I left because my ex was abusive and controlling.

She indirectly blames me for messing up her life

Answer 1

I would talk to her as often as you can. Just let her know that you love her and that she is not a problem child. Let her know that she does have something to live for in life. If she is blaming you, don't take it seriously. She is probably only saying it out of anger.

Answer 2

First of all I don't understand why your daughter is with an abusive controlling person. Second talk your daughter in coming and staying with you for a while when she does get to know her better she make make the decision where she wants to live I know she doesn't want to leave her friends but if she is as miserable as she says she is then she would be more than happy to leave and come and try living with you for a while. I know it is easier said than done even children in happy homes at the age of 14 will blame their parents for everything that goes wrong in their life. Good luck

Answer 3

She's a teenager and is confused. You're the adult and her mother at that. Get your priorities right, lady. You don't need to ask for a formal custody to have a relationship with your daughter. Move closer to her, help her, be there for her do anything that makes her feel safe and secure. She may think she doesn't need a mother, but she sure needs a maternal figure in her life more than anything else right now. The question is: is it gonna be You or some stranger you don't even know?

Answer 4

Listen to her and be there when she needs you no matter how the communication is, help her as much as she can send letters and cards lots of emails. Save money all the time so you can visit when you can, call all the time when you know she is alone. I pay $25 more a month on my phone bill so I can talk to anyone at anytime, this could let you guys eat supper together at night at the same time. You can also put her to bed at night and talk about all her boy and girl friends. Some of these things may help her know you will always be there for her. You can also go to court and see what you can do about getting her every summer. Good luck.

Answer 5

Okay if he is abusive and controlling why did you leave her in the first place. If I were in your shoes I would move to where she is to be there for her and build a relationship with your daughter. No questions asked. Talk with your ex. Tell him honestly you both need to be there for her and you should both find a place in the same area so you can be with her after school and at night so she is not alone.

Answer 6

Why in the world would you allow her to stay with the controlling abusive dad anyway. I don't get it.

You can fight custody. If you feel her well being is at stake you can take it to the courts to be re-evaluated. You can even go to a family liason (usually a psychologist) for a custody evaluation. This person will evaluate you, our child and your ex as well as your relationships with the child and your living arrangements etc. They will then make a suggestion to you and the courts on how to handle the arrangements to help your child thrive.

It can get expensive, but who can put a price on the happiness of your children. We owe them everything.

Answer 7

Your ex is still abusive and controlling and I think that if you want a relationship with your daughter and think you can, you need to fight for custody of her. Of course she blames you, you aren't there so you're the easiest to target. It sounds to me like your daughter could use a bit of counseling but it's not likely that your ex will agree. Is there any way the grandma can step in to get her the help she needs? Please do something. Teen years are soo terribly hard to start with let alone to feel alone and unloved.

Answer 8

Okay if your ex was abusing and controlling towards you what makes you think he's not doing the same thing to your daughter? And how the hell did he get custody in the first place.

Answer 9

Not to sound mean here.But you are responsible you are her mother.If your ex was so bad why on earth did you desert her there with him.You are her mother you should have not left without her.You took the easy way out.And that isn't o.k..There isn't any excuse you can give for leaving a child with an abusive person.Even if he wasn't abusing her only you.When you left it left her next in line to take the abuse.You should have found a way to get her out of the situation.But you apparently are to selfish and only thought of what you were going trough and not what it would do to your child.I am ashamed for you and I am appalled that you have the nerve to call yourself a mother a mother would be there for her kid not leave them.

Answer 10

I'm most sorry to hear this. But it seems like the only thing you can do now is assure your daughter that you love her and tell her the reason you left your husband. I know she'll understand some day. Pray for her and maybe you can send her money to go shopping and get a taxi.