have three small children and he took us under his wing and just loves us, so my dilema is that I think he is afraid of comittment, so I have told him that if he doesn't pop the question by our three year then I am gonna have to move on with my life is that a bad thing or what, I love him I just don't know if he will ever fully commit to me.
2006-12-20 13:39:18 · 16 answers · asked by Deberellah 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am a step parent to my husband's three kids and have been for the last 6 years. Deciding to get married was a very difficult decision because we both knew that it was more than just him and me. There were three other people involved and what they felt and thought meant more than anything else. If he truly feels committed to you and your children, a piece of paper and ceremony will only be icing on the cake to a happy life. If he's hesitant then maybe there are some issues the two of you need to resolve to take that step into matrimony. Either way, that kind of commitment is not to be taken lightly.
It is surprising that you are so ready to marry when you've been divorced before. You know first hand how hard a marriage is and how much work it involves. Any marriage that has ended has only done so because of lack of communication.
My advice to you is this; count your blessings and be thankful you have a wonderful man who loves you and has taken on the roles of lover, father, and friend. Your wants and needs will be fulfilled in time. If it isn't by him then it will be by the right man the next time. Talk to him and listen to his thoughts and feelings.
Good luck.
2006-12-20 15:02:31 · answer #1 · answered by C S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My fiance and I have raised my son since he was 3 (he's 6 now) & we have a 3 month old. Although we want to get married someday, we're not rushing anything. We're both secular (nonreligious), so we don't feel pressure to marry soon. We've been together 3 years without breaking up or cheating, just going home after work each day to raise our kids. You're making a mistake by rushing it, and you'll drag your kids through a lot of men being pushy. Think about how you're approaching him with this subject, cuz you might kinda come off as a bridezilla. Are you wanting a marriage, or just an expensive ring & a big wedding? I do have a nice ring, & he does too. Staying engaged for a while and having a simple union at the courthouse isn't such a bad idea.
2006-12-20 14:05:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you are the right track. I think that you might push him a little harder by telling him that your children really NEED A DAD not a friend. Then ask him if he is the one to fit the bill or if you must find somebody else. You and they deserve a truthful answer and he sounds like the type of person that will give such an answer. Do not let him hedge on you. Sit down face-to-face when you ask him. Begin reading and studying the BIBLE with him. This is a great time to begin such a study. You should be able to find a non-denominational church nearby with members that would study with you. Have a great Christmas!!
Eds
2006-12-20 13:47:47 · answer #3 · answered by Eds 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi Deberella, I hate to be the one who throws the spanner in the works, but, I was in a similar situation, where I had taken a woman and her children under my wing. I thought the world of her and the children, and I was thinking over the pros and cons of getting married, which is what she wanted. To me, taking on another mans children is a big thing, knowing that you will never be thier biological father, and I wouldn't expect them to call me daddy, especially as they had regular contact with their father. Also, it is a big financial committment to take on a ready made family, mortgage, utility bills, clothing etc etc etc. My worries were, would we have enough money to manage and live comfortably, I was not bothered about the materialistic things in life, just the everyday basics. Also, she had made it quite clear that she did not want any more children, so I felt that I would never be a "natural" father. I accepted this, because of my love for her and her children, but it was one of the nagging thoughts at the back of my mind. Anyway, she gave me the ultimatum, either we got married, or she would move on. I explained to her my thoughts and concerns, but all she seemed to want, was to get married. I began to feel pressurised into making a decision, which I wasn't about to do, so, as much as I loved her and the children, I told her it would be best if she moved on, and I walked away. I wish you all the best, and hope you sort things out amiably between yourselves.
2006-12-20 14:17:02 · answer #4 · answered by Mark S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
So you entered into this relationship expecting him to "pop the question"? Why didn't the two of you talk about this in the very beginning? That way you would have had a better idea of where it would be going than spending three years expecting it to happen. Sounds to me as if the two of you have extremly poor communication skills and communication is a key element in any relationship, especially long lasting committed ones.
2006-12-20 14:09:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should slow down. You are dragging three small children in and out of relationships with you. If this guy is good to you and just needs a little time to pop the question and he is worth waiting for then wait for him. If you don't think he is every going to commit then leave but don't jump right into another relationship. Your kids are going to feel the effect.
2006-12-20 13:52:00 · answer #6 · answered by cheoli 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have already been through a bad relationship, do not jump into another one give this relation some time. Enjoy your new found freedom and soak yourself in this glory. Give him sometime to know you. Wait for certain time cos u cannot compel him to commit as he might drift apart from you n then u will have an empty feeling as it is quite remarkable that this guy has restored your faith in love since you were in a bad relationship. Right now, jus enjoy gather these moments of togetherness and be there for your kids as most of the time kids bear the pain of seperation of parents
2006-12-20 14:39:12 · answer #7 · answered by Rachna S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Giving an ultimatum can be a dangerous proposition. Just be sure you're willing to follow through if he doesn't pop the question. If he's a "committmentophobe" he may very well call your bluff. You may have to eat those words if you decide to stay with him anyway, and crow tastes terrible. Believe me, I've eaten enough of it n my lifetime. If you feel you can't stay in the relationship without marriage, then by all means, cut the cord and find someone who can love you enough to give you what you need to feel secure. Tough decision, but you DO have kids involved and you are the example they will follow in THEIR future relationships, Make a decision and stick to it.
2006-12-20 13:52:08 · answer #8 · answered by nana 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some guys are scared with commitment thing.
Its just a guy thing.
If you really love him or think this way, you with 3 kids he took under his wing, how many man would do that...
So ask your self what else you need...!?!
2006-12-20 13:49:45 · answer #9 · answered by DON 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
DON'T put a rope around his neck! had he wanted to marry or something he'd've done that before...he's not ready! but if he makes you happy and your kids like him, don't give up!
In my personal opinion, it's easier to see him now and then than having a new man in your life...specially if you have little kids.
If you do need a greater level of commitment, you did the right thing.
2006-12-20 13:50:56 · answer #10 · answered by snglmom 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋