History Day Paper...civil rights movement?

Question

I have a history project i'm doing that requires a descriptive paper. My topic is triumphs and tragedies of the civil rights movement in the 60's....I just wanted to know what a good intro sentence would be. I have one that I really like but I don't know if it makes complete sense.....

The topic for my History Day project is : Triumphs and tragedies of the Civil Rights Movement and other events related to the progress of blacks receiving equal treatment from whites during the 1960's.

Answer 1

1. The sentence makes complete sense, but:
(a) it isn't very gripping ["The topic for my History Day project is" .... yes, we already know you are presenting a project],
(b) it is clumsily constructed ["and other events related to"... some miscellany tacked on the end, maybe?],
(c) it fails to use modern acceptable terminology [blacks? .... oh dear, any red indians also?], and
(d) it misrepresents the purpose of the civil rights struggle [it was definitely not about "receiving equal treatment from whites"].

2. Apart from all that, it is great! Well done.