my husband is an alcoholic and i dont need a lecture on that i know all about it i go to alanon and another group ect. i just get so sick of being by myself all the time. and when he is home he may as well not be here.. i miss having someone to talk to and share with. i miss feeling special and i miss having someone that i can spoil and do nice things for. i have thought about leaveing him but this is all i know i have been married for 20yrs thats more years then i lived without being married.. i have thought about having an affair if for nothing else just the touch of another human or the feeling of being wanted even if it is just for sex.. i am just so freakin lonley... anyone else ever feel this way? i do love my husband also with all my heart and when he is sober he is one of the best men you could ever ask for but thoes days are very far and few....so back to my q how can i love him with all my heart and still cant stand him ?is this normal?
2006-12-20 10:41:48 · 21 answers · asked by crazyme 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you by some manner, way, shape or form found someone to talk to, to share with, to make you feel special, someone you can spoil, who you can do nice things for, whose touch makes you feel wanted and would fill the lonely hours with his sweet favors...how could you not fall in love with this person? He would be giving everything that you as a woman need to validate the life you are living.
I mean no lack of compassion for your husband, but we are talking about your welfare, your needs, your life. I do not feel that you love your husband as much as you used to for obvious reasons. His disease (as it is referred to) is robbing both of you your the lives your needs and wants. I am no saint, but if I were, I would be able to without question tell you when "for better or for worse" no longer applies as your well being comes into question.
I had to make that decision in my life as I began to fall ill myself functioning as 24/7 caretaker. My decision was not very popular with a lot of people, but I did not die...nor did my spouse.
I hear your yearnings, your cries of loneliness and your craving for a human touch. Sadly, I can only offer these things vicariously.
2006-12-20 11:22:47 · answer #1 · answered by Monsieur Rick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes its normal and more common than you realize.
You love him but don't love what hes about anymore, thus giving you the feelings that are at opposite ends of the scale
You cant change what he has decided to become only he can do that.I am not so sure that you may have expressed with the kind of emotion and feelings how you feel to him like you should.
I am going to assume that you get upset at him sometimes and vent at him over it and then he does the same back and so most times you do not say anything about it even though inside it is killing you.Sound about right??
My best advise is you can love someone as much as you want but just loving them don't fix everything.
I would talk with him when he is sober and plead with him to understand how it feels for you to watch him do this to himself and your marriage.Let him know you cannot and will not continue to live with an alcoholic.Let him know that if he truly believes he needs help to quit that you will be there for him and do what you can as support.
But if he is thinking of continuing this drinking without seeking help, he might as well marry the bottle of booze cause your not going to stay and be a witness to it any longer and spend your nights living like a old widow.
if he listens, great.If he don't, hit the road and never look back cause all you will do is feel more pain without resolve. Good luck!
2006-12-20 18:51:45 · answer #2 · answered by vmaxer85 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a very good woman! May you be blessed this Christmas.
Everyone has goodness and badness. To love a person when the person is behaving the way we like is easy. But we truly love a person when we accept him/her as a whole package: good and bad.
However, if he lives just for himself and does not care about you at all, then what is the point to live with him? You suffer when he's drunk, you're lonely when he's sober. To live life you need enjoyment. You need to make a determination to go on with life in a right way. Don't cheat on him because that immoral act will soon create additional turmoil in your life. Consider having a serious talk with him when both of you are in good states of mind. Divorce him if he's cannot change quickly.
Good luck!
2006-12-20 18:55:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes i would say this is very normal, i am in a similar situation and although i have been with my man for almost 10 years and we are not married, its sort of the same thing and my guys seems a little distant as well...i think the best thing to do is to threaten him that you will leave him if he doesnt change and tell him what you want out of the relationship andi hope that it works for you and me cause im going to try it tonight when he comes home from work. Threatening him with out the thoughts of actually leaving... go to your mothers for a couple days or something and see if he changes, if he doesnt change for you then he doesn't seem to care enough and you can do better then a man who will treat you as second best...
~CHEERS!!~
2006-12-20 19:03:26 · answer #4 · answered by Romy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u have been married for 20 years as u said. and I'm sure during this time u had some serious problems but u guys worked out of it like a successfully couple. so my advice to u is to forget about gettin an affair or anythin of that sort. and be wise and a real women and fix ur marriage. u r husband needs help, and no one can help like u. be there for him. help him quit drinkin .fight alcohol to get ur husband back.
and keep in mind that all these years commit u to save ur marriage
all the best
2006-12-20 18:52:36 · answer #5 · answered by DB9 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As someone who has been there, I would say you have to think about your own peace of mind first and foremost. If you are thinking about having an affair, I think it's time to seriously consider ending the marriage. Having an affair would only complicate your life, add many problems and resolve nothing. You can love someone, but it doesn't mean you have to lose yourself in the process. You can love someone and not like their behaviour. Sounds like he needs a wake-up call to decide whether you or the alcohol is more important.
2006-12-20 18:55:49 · answer #6 · answered by rileysmile 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well we are on the same boat. Sometimes we cannot understand why we stand by our man no matter what. They become a habit for us. We have to make great sacrifices to be where we are. My husband has vices too. We fight for a while then we make up. It has been that way for 38 years. I always weigh the good times with the bad and it pays off. We broke up 4 times but we are still together after all these years.
2006-12-20 18:50:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW.. I know exactly what you are talking about! Except.. im not married to it..even though i might as well be! Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now and he too is a alcoholic. I do love him and care for him very much but I too cannot take it anymore! Its like alcohol is his 1st love and i come in 2nd! I have gotten to the point where i cant even stand him anymore.. just the sight of him puts me in a bad mood! I do believe everything you and i are feeling is normal.. theres only so much we can handle ya know, but i think its time we put our happiness first.. we just have to scrap up the guts to do it! Good luck to you.. and i hope everything gets better!
Take Care
2006-12-20 18:48:37 · answer #8 · answered by ?rukkaloca24? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems like you need to make a choice to me. All though you love him, your life is miserable. Is it worth it? I've seen many, many women just stay miserable because of the love of their man. My personal opinion is for you to leave him. He won't quick drinking until HE decides to do it. All these groups are just helps...but it all boils down to his decision. So as long as he's in that state of mind, you're going to be miserable as long as you're with him. An affair, to me would be just an excuse....if you're going to do that, you just as soon leave him...and keep your integrity intact. I've seen many women, and men, going through the same thing you're going through. I don't envy any of you. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck.
2006-12-20 18:48:22 · answer #9 · answered by cajunrescuemedic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your answer is: because you just do! you don't need to divorce him you can separate and let him really think about whats going on. If he still cant get his act together then leave him for good. You need for him to feel like he hit rock bottom so he can reanalyze his life and make those life changing decisions by himself.
2006-12-20 18:48:42 · answer #10 · answered by EsYoDaddy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋